bereavement
by Sally Burningham
The death of someone close usually comes as a shock, and is particularly devastating when it has not been expected. Moreover we are often quite unprepared for some of the strange kinds of feelings we may experience in the weeks and months following a bereavement.
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Of course everyone is different and each person will react in their own individual way. But it may help to know that many of these feelings that we find puzzling or distressing are quite normal in the circumstances.
Grieving takes time and is often an up and down process. It is not one that can be hurried. Make sure you have support for yourself when you need it. This could be from family or friends, from a health professional or from a helpline, for example. You might like to check out the help and info section to find out more about the support that is available.
reactions to a bereavement
You may experience a number of different reactions at different times when grieving the death of someone who has played an important part in your life. Sometimes these feelings will overlap or they may disappear and recur. Although many of these reactions are common, they do not necessarily occur in the same order for everyone, nor does everyone experience all the reactions.
Grieving is both emotionally distressing and physically draining. You may experience almost unbearably painful feelings over the loss, as well as sadness and loneliness. At times you may feel agitated and unable to concentrate or relax, at other times lethargic and exhausted or shaky, sick or unwell. Difficulties in sleeping are also quite common after a bereavement. You may feel anxious about how you will manage without the person who has died and the world may suddenly seem a very unsafe place. Some people feel very weepy and cry a lot after a bereavement while others experience sudden, intense, uncontrollable bursts of grief. Some people find it hard to cry or feel that they are beyond crying.
In addition there are a number of other common reactions that you may find more puzzling. These include:
- numbness. Many people feel emotionally numbed or frozen during the first few hours or days immediately following a death. If you feel detached from what has occurred or find you are unable to cry it doesn't mean you are unfeeling. This numbness can also sometimes be a way of helping people to cope with what has happened and with essential practical matters such as funeral arrangements.
- disbelief. There may be a period, soon after the death, in which you are unable to completely accept what has happened. Although you logically know the person has died you keep hoping and half believing that they will reappear. You may even sometimes think you see or hear them although this usually only last a few moments.
- anger. Anger is a common emotion. For example, you may feel angry with the health service for not doing more to prevent the death, with relatives or friends who you feel let the dead person down or with the dead person for leaving you to manage on your own. Some people feel angry with God or with the way life has treated them.
- guilt. Guilty feelings frequently occur. You may feel guilty about some trivial oversight in the past or about things in the relationship that could have been said or done differently that might have improved matters. Sometimes people feel guilty that they were unable to prevent the death or even that they are still alive themselves.
- relief. You may feel relieved, particularly if the person experienced a long or distressing illness or if you were a carer for any length of time. This is a perfectly normal reaction and doesn't mean that you cannot grieve as well.
- going over and over. Just sitting and thinking about the dead person and going over and over certain events or conversations in your mind is part of coming to terms with the loss.
sensible measures
- Don't expect too much from yourself too soon. Grieving takes time and is often quite exhausting. Accept any help that is offered and avoid stressful situations as much as you can.
- Try not to take any big decisions in the early months after the death such as moving or changing your job, if you can help it. You may feel very differently later on as you begin to come to terms with your loss.
- Expect to feel up and down and for there to be bad patches just when you thought you were coming through.
- Do make sure your GP knows about your situation. Many people are more vulnerable to physical illness as well as emotional distress after a bereavement. Always see your GP if you feel unwell or if you are unable to cope.
- Tell those close to you how you are feeling and the kind of support you need, whether it is something practical like doing the shopping or a regular, reassuring phone call.
how long should we grieve?
There is no set time for grieving. How long you grieve may depend on many things including your relationship with the person who has died, your own personality and circumstances and the kind of support you have. The death of a young person or the sudden death of a person through violence or an accident can be particularly hard to come to terms with.
If you have been bereaved by suicide your feelings may be particularly painful and hard to deal with. You may find it helpful to look at our feature on suicidal feelings which includes details of help and support available to those bereaved by suicide.
Most people probably recover from a major bereavement within two years. Signs of recovery are when feelings of sadness lift for much of the time, energy returns and you are once again able to take an interest in other people and activities and think about the future. You will, of course still miss the person who has died and you may still experience low points, particularly at times such as celebrations and anniversaries.
Sometimes people become stuck in the grieving process and seem unable to move on and come to terms with the death, even after a considerable time. Other people may find that normal sadness they experience after the death spirals down into a depression and they can no longer cope. In either case it is important to get help from the GP. The GP may recommend counselling to help them come to terms with the bereavement, antidepressants to help with the depression or other forms of support. For more information on depression you might like to look at the feature on depression.
bottling things up
It is important that people are encouraged to grieve and express their feelings, rather than putting on a brave front all the time. Those who push their feelings aside or bury themselves in activities often find they become depressed or anxious in later life and have to go through the grieving process then.
You may be unwilling to express your grief for a number of reasons. For example:
- you may feel that no one close to you will understand
- you do not want to upset other members of the family who are also grieving
- there are so many practical things to be done that you must keep a hold on your feelings.
However it is important that you give yourself some space and time for your emotions.
- Have a good cry if you feel like it. Crying is nothing to be ashamed of and can help release pent-up emotions.
- Try to put some time aside to think about the person and your relationship. You might find you can do this best going for a walk or just sitting somewhere quietly on your own.
- Talking about the person can often help you sort out your feelings. If you do not want to talk to a friend or relative you might try talking to a health professional, or someone from your community or a voluntary organisation, for example. See help and info for details.
supporting young people
It is important to remember that young people need time to grieve after the death of someone close, whether the person was a relative or friend. They may also need support to work through their feelings and come to terms with their loss. It is easy to assume that a young person has not been seriously distressed by a death because they do not seem to be grieving in an easily recognisable way.
Very young children may miss the person who has died but they do not really understand that death is permanent. However they will be very sensitive to the reactions of those around them. They may become very anxious and unsettled and will need even more love and attention. Try to get them back into a calm routine as soon as possible.
School-age children begin to understand more about death and become aware that the person is not coming back. They may feel angry and worried as well as sad that the safety of their world has been upset in this way. Younger children may also worry that they caused the death by something naughty they said or did.
Children tend to express their feelings through behaviour rather than words. Rather than looking distressed or crying you may find they are more irritable or boisterous, for example. They may wake at night or have nightmares and they may show their anxiety by regressing to more babyish talk and demanding behaviour. Children will need explanations and reassurances about their worries and opportunities to express their feelings through talking with understanding friends and relatives or through play. Encouraging happy memories through looking at photographs or other mementoes can be a comfort.
Teenagers are more likely to understand death as an adult does and more likely to be aware of the feelings of others. However they are also likely to find it difficult to express their feelings in words, particularly to other adults and they may bottle up their emotions because they think everyone in the family is already upset enough. As a result their distress may affect their lives in other ways. For example they may become withdrawn or schoolwork may suffer or they may seem more difficult and less cooperative, for example. Make it clear that you understand they are going through a distressing time and that you are there to listen if they want to talk about the person who has died or their own feelings.
If you are so distressed by the death yourself that you cannot offer a child or young person the support they need, try to ensure that another relative or family friend is there for them. It is vital that they know that there is someone who understands their feelings and that they do not have to cope alone.
tips for friends and relatives
People often worry about what to say and do when someone has died. But the most important thing for a bereaved person is to know that you care and that you are there for them if they need you. Just being with the person and sharing their grief, and perhaps later their happy memories can be a great comfort.
- Don't be deceived into thinking the person is coping because they are managing well just after the death. They are probably in shock. They will still need your support for quite some time to come.
- Let the person cry if they want to. It can bring a feeling of release. Just show you are with them by putting an arm round them, if appropriate, or by reassuring them that it is quite alright to cry.
- Let the person talk, even if they go over and over the same subjects. It is a way of coming to terms. There is no need to think you have to provide answers for questions such as 'why did it happen?' Just comfort the person as best you can.
- Some people may want help with tasks that the person who has died has always done. This might involve cutting the grass, for example, until other arrangements can be made, or assistance in filling in a tax form.
- Contact regularly. Don't be put off if there is a brusque response. They may be depressed and need you even more. If it is difficult to visit, a card or phone call can be very supportive.
- Birthdays, anniversaries, particularly the anniversary of the death, holidays and celebrations, can be very difficult times for a bereaved person, especially if they are living on their own. Try to visit or include them in invitations if you can.
- If the person becomes discouraged reassure them that it takes time to grieve. However, if you feel that their reactions are more extreme or longlasting than you would have expected, try to persuade them to see their GP. They may need treatment for depression, for example.
help and info
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organisations
The Child Bereavement Trust (CBT)
Aston House
West Wycombe
High Wycombe HP14 3AG
Tel: 01494 446 648
Information and Support Line: 0845 357 1000
E-mail: enquiries@childbereavement.org.uk
Website: www.childbereavement.org.uk
A national UK charity aimed at professionals whose work brings them into contact with bereaved families. Produces resources and information for bereaved children and families and the doctors, nurses, midwives, teachers and those in the voluntary sector who help them.
The Compassionate Friends
53 North Street
Bristol BS3 1EN
Helpline: 08451 23 23 04 (every day 10am-4pm, 6.30-10pm)
E-mail: info@tcf.org.uk
Website: www.tcf.org.uk
Offers understanding, support and friendship to bereaved parents, and their families, who have lost a child of any age and from any circumstance. Support is offered through the helpline, local group meetings, one-to-one visits, letter contact, weekend retreats and gatherings. Produces a quarterly newsletter for parents, grandparents and siblings, and a range of other publications for the family and for professionals. Also runs a postal library service. The related website www.tcfsiblingsupport.org.uk was set up to offer support to bereaved siblings.
Cruse Bereavement Care
Helpline: 0870 167 1677 (Mon-Fri 9.30am-5pm)
E-mail (helpline): helpline@crusebereavementcare.org.uk
E-mail (general): info@crusebereavementcare.org.uk
Website: www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk
Runs a helpline and offers counselling, advice and support to anyone who has been bereaved.
Lesbian and Gay Bereavement Project
c/o Healthy Gay Living Centre
40 Borough High Street
London SE1 1XW
Office tel: 020 7407 3550
Helpline: 020 7403 5969 (Mon-Fri 7-10.30pm)
Provides telephone counselling, support and advice to people bereaved by the loss of a same-sex partner.
The National Association of Widows
Tel: 0845 838 2261.
E-mail: info@nawidows.org.uk
Website: www.nawidows.org.uk
National charity offering support and friendship to widows and women, of all ages, who have lost their partners through bereavement. Operates largely through a system of local self-help branches that run social events for members.
Samaritans
c/o Chris
PO Box 90 90
Stirling FK8 2SA
Helpline: 08457 90 90 90 (24 hours)
Helpline (Republic of Ireland): 1850 60 90 90
E-mail: jo@samaritans.org
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk
The Samaritans exists to provide confidential emotional support to any person, irrespective of race, creed, age or status who is in emotional distress or at risk of suicide; 24 hours a day. Can be contacted by e-mail, telephone, writing, or by visiting one of over 200 local branches (details are on the website).
The WAY Foundation
Tel: 0870 011 3450
E-mail: info@wayfoundation.org.uk
Website: www.wayfoundation.org.uk
Membership organisation providing a self-help social and support network for men and women widowed up to the age of 50, and their children. The main aim is to help those widowed young to rebuild their lives by helping one another.
websites
Bereavement
www.rcpsych.ac.uk/.../bereavement.aspx
Online leaflet produced by the Royal College of Psychiatrists on the grieving process, and how to seek help and advice.
Bereavement
http://hcd2.bupa.co.uk/fact_sheets/mosby_factsheets/Bereavement.html
BUPA factsheet, available in PDF format, discussing the grieving process, how to cope with grief and how to help others who are grieving.
Beyond Indigo
www.death-dying.com
American-based online community supporting those affected by grief and loss, featuring articles, message boards, question and answers, and more.
The Bruderhof Grief Companion
www.griefcompanion.org
This US site features writings from a variety of classic and contemporary writers that other grieving people have found helpful and comforting.
Grief, Bereavement and Depression
www.netdoctor.co.uk/special_reports/depression/grief.htm
This article discusses different types of grief, and depression associated with bereavement.
Relatives Remembered
www.relativesremembered.com
Website where you can create an online memorial to a loved one and celebrate their life. There is also a section for people to record their own life story, a forum and a resources page.
reading
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A Time to Grieve by Carol Staudacher (Souvenir Press, 1995) |
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Facing Grief: Bereavement and the young adult 18-28 by Susan Wallbank (Lutterworth Press, 1991) |
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Healing Grief: Reclaiming Life After Any Loss (Piatkus Books, 2000) |
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Living with Grief by Dr Tony Lake (Sheldon Press, 1984) |
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The Healing Journey Through Grief: Your Journal of Hope and Recovery (John Wiley and Sons, 1999) |
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The New Natural Death Handbook by N Albery (Rider, 2000) |
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The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Rinpoche (Rider, 2002) |
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Supporting Bereaved Students in Primary and Secondary Schools by Dr Karen Lowton (NCPC, 2004) |
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(June 2002, resources updated December 2004)
