'I feel responsible for my friend's suicide. What can I do?'
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Q: A couple of months ago my friend committed suicide whilst on a school trip. We found her in the toilet in the morning, she had slit her wrists with one of her razors. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I have suffered from depression for years and have tried to commit suicide myself – nearly succeeding on one occasion! I now feel responsible for her death as I was too wrapped up in my own illness to notice that she had a problem. I couldn't even go to her funeral and she was my best friend. What am I going to do? I don't think that I will ever get over this. Shelley, 16 |
our online advisors reply:
I can only imagine some of what you must be feeling right now, Shelley. You have had one of the worst experiences that anyone could ever go through. To lose your best friend through suicide is horrific enough, but to find her yourself whilst on a school trip is very traumatic. I can understand why, at the moment, you don't feel that you will ever get over this.
One thing that I can tell you for sure, is that it was not your fault. Guilt is an emotion that is often part of the grieving process, but when someone makes the decision to take their own life, it is usually very personal to them. It's commonly a decision that is made without thinking about others. If you think back to the times that you have attempted the same, was it because of anything that your friend did or didn't do? Did you ask for her help? Would you have blamed her?
Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide (SoBS) is a self-help, voluntary organisation that aims to support people in your situation. If you think you'd like to talk to someone about what's happening, you could call the SoBS helpline on 0870 241 3337 (9am-9pm, every day). You can find out more about SoBS on their website, including whether there is a local group near you: www.uk-sobs.org.uk.
I am wondering what help you have been offered. In situations such as this, the school will often provide counselling for you and anyone else affected by your friend's death. What help have you received for your own depression? You do not say whether or not you are taking any medication for this, but a visit to your doctor could help you to decide if this would be an option for you, especially whilst you have so much else to cope with at the moment.
Talking to a qualified counsellor can help you make sense of what you're going through and think about possible ways of moving forward. Some doctors' surgeries offer counselling and your GP may be able to set up an appointment for you.
Our feature on depression has more information about this illness and the treatments available. The website of the Child Bereavement Trust has a section for teenagers who have the experienced the death of someone important to them (click on the 'For Young People' link). You may find some other ideas there to help you cope.
I do hope that you find the help that you deserve, Shelley. Take care.
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