fat fantasy or domestic abuse?

When Gina advertised for a boyfriend at the age of 24, she already weighed over 28 stone. But such was the desire of the man she met and married for a 'fat girl' that she ultimately reached nearly 60 stone in weight and qualified for the Guinness Book of Records as the heaviest ever woman model.

© C4

'I think that fulfilling Mark's fantasy was tremendously kind of myself. I did it not without some sacrifice. Would I do it again? Probably not,' she says now, five years after lifesaving surgery enabled her to shed half her maximum weight.

Mark and men like him are fat admirers – FAs. They like their women very very large and some will go to any lengths to get them like that. As their women reach dangerously high weights, they become increasingly reliant on their FA partners – to the point where they cannot walk, stand, clean or help themselves in any way.

admiration or abuse?

Now down to 30 stone, Gina remains severely disabled by her weight and she will never fully recover. She enjoyed the admiration she received – from Mark and other FAs – when they first went public, on the Internet, about her extraordinary size. Ostracised as an overweight child growing up in Beverly Hills, being loved and admired for her size initially worked wonders for her low self-esteem.

'I was fairly happy for the most part, but there were times of profound sadness and some regret. But, by the time you get to this size, there isn't a whole heck of a lot you can do,' she says.

To mental health specialists, it is this female helplessness – encouraged and engineered by male partners – that pushes fantasy over the border into abuse.

'You can hold somebody prisoner in a house or in a cellar, or you can hold them prisoner in their own body,' comments Baltimore writer on sexuality and body image, Hanne Blank.

consent or compulsion?

Of great concern is the issue of consent. Even if a woman initially consents to put on weight to make herself attractive to her partner, she may, like Gina, be in no position to withdraw that consent when the relationship is becoming abusive. As Hanne Blank points out:

'There are cases where feeders claim that they are in a feeder-feedee relationship with full consensuality, but that can be very hard to determine. It's a very slippery slope to be on because of the damage that so many fat women experience, because of the emotional manipulation that's often involved, because of the extremes to which people will go if they're in fear of losing their partner.'

A woman whose self-esteem is so low that she is afraid of losing her partner if she does not comply with his demands for her to gain weight may not realise that it is he who has underlying psychological problems. Seeking help from a relationship counsellor may help her to see the reality of her situation.

body image issues

Many of the women who get involved in FA relationships start off overweight. Like Gina, they describe feeling unwanted and unloved as a result of their size. They do not fit current ideals of extreme thinness in young women, and some have the body image problems typical of people with eating disorders.

They may have been through the cycle of dieting and bingeing often seen by eating disorder specialists, and may initially see the huge weight gain demanded of FA men as empowering. But there is a world of difference between being overweight by current medical definitions and gaining the life-threatening and life-limiting amounts of weight required of those in FA relationships.

Talking about body image problems with a specialist in eating disorders is a far healthier option for those who are uncomfortable with their size than making relationships with FAs who have a pathological need to dominate and control through food.

breaking out

Breaking out of an abusive relationship is rarely easy. Physical dependence on the abuser makes it even harder. Maintaining or restoring contact with friends and family outside the relationship can open up escape routes. And medical, social and other support will provide refuge from the abuser and respond to immediate health needs. There is a full range of emergency and other services listed in help and info below.

help and info

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organisations

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy
35-37 Albert Street
Rugby CV31 2SG
Tel: 0870 443 5252 (Mon-Fri 8.45am-5pm)
E-mail: bacp@bacp.co.uk
Website: www.bacp.co.uk
BACP can provide you with a list of private counsellors in your area, plus information on counselling and choosing a counsellor.

Eating Disorders Association
103 Prince of Wales Road
Norwich NR1 1DW
Adult Helpline: 0845 634 1414 (Mon-Fri 8.30am-8.30pm and Sat 1-4.30pm)
Youthline: 0845 634 7650 (Mon-Fri 4-6.30pm and Sat 1-4.30pm)
E-mail: info@edauk.com
Website: www.edauk.com
Provides information, advice and publications on all aspects of eating disorders including anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, binge eating and related eating disorders. Operates a UK-wide telephone helpline for people with an eating disorder, their family, friends, and professionals, along with a youthline that offers information, help and support for young people aged 18 years and under.

Mental Health Foundation
20 Upper Ground
London SE1 9QB
Tel: 020 7803 1100 (Mon-Fri 8.30am-5.30pm)
E-mail: mhf@mhf.org.uk
Website: www.mentalhealth.org.uk
Working to improve the support available for people with mental health problems and people with learning disabilities. Offers information and literature on all aspects of mental health, including where to get help, information about specific mental health problems, treatments and rights.

Overeaters Anonymous
PO Box 19
Stretford
Manchester M32 9EB
Tel: 07000 784985
Website: www.oagb.org.uk
Fellowship aimed at men and women whose lives have been affected by compulsive behaviour around food such as overeating, anorexia and bulimia. Offers encouragement and advice to anyone affected by an eating disorder. For details of support groups, please write or contact the 24-hour answerphone.

Refuge
2-8 Maltravers Street
London WC2R 3EE
Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (24 hours)
E-mail: info@refuge.org.uk
Website: www.refuge.org.uk
Provide counselling, support and welfare rights for women and children escaping domestic violence as well as accommodation and refuge.

Relate
Herbert Gray College
Little Church Street
Rugby CV21 3AP
Relateline: 0845 130 4010 (Mon-Fri, 9.30am-4.30pm)
Relate Direct booking line: 0845 130 4016 (Mon-Fri 8.30am-4.30pm)
E-mail: enquiries@relate.org.uk
Website: www.relate.org.uk
The largest relationship counselling organisation in the UK. Offers counselling, psychosexual therapy, and other services to help those experiencing difficulties in any adult couple relationship. Some branches of Relate offer individual counselling to young people. Relateline is for couples experiencing emotional crisis who wish to talk things through with an experienced Relate counsellor. Relate Direct is a telephone counselling service (see website for more details, including costs).

Rights of Women
Advice Line: 020 7251 6577 (Tues-Thurs 2-4pm and 7-9pm; Fri 12-2pm)
Text phone: 020 7490 2562
Website: www.rightsofwomen.org.uk
Offers free, confidential legal advice on divorce and relationship breakdown, children and contact issues, domestic violence, sexual violence, discrimination and lesbian parenting. Information sheets can also be downloaded free from the website.

Victim Support
39 Brixton Road
London SW9 6DZ
Victim Supportline: 0845 30 30 900 (Mon-Fri 9am-9pm, Sat-Sun 9am-7pm)
Minicom: 020 7896 3776
E-mail: supportline@victimsupport.org.uk
Website: www.victimsupport.org
Victim Support offers confidential support and advice to anyone affected by a crime, no matter how long ago it happened. The informative website features facts and guidance on the help available for victims of crime, and you can find out details of your local branch.

Women's Aid
PO Box 391
Bristol BS99 7WS
Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (24 hours)
E-mail: helpline@womensaid.org.uk
Website: www.womensaid.org.uk
The National Domestic Violence Helpline provides confidential support, help and information to anyone experiencing (or who has experienced) physical, emotional or sexual violence in the home. Helpline staff can explain support options available to you and, where necessary, refer you to a refuge, a local Women's Aid group or other sources of help and information. You do not need to be in an emergency situation to contact Women's Aid.

websites

Body Image Betrayal & Related Issues
www.bibri.com
This comprehensive US website contains resources on eating disorders, plus details of chat rooms, a range of links and suggested reading. Also has a section that suggests client/patient guidelines for evaluating therapy/counselling experience.

The International Size Acceptance Association (ISAA)
www.size-acceptance.org
Aims to promote an acceptance of self and others without regard to weight or body size. They believe that feederism is the exact opposite of size acceptance, and do not support or encourage it in any way. To see the ISAA's official position on feederism visit:
www.size-acceptance.org/no_feederism.html.

National Centre for Eating Disorders
www.eating-disorders.org.uk
An independent organisation set up to provide solutions for all eating problems, compulsive or binge eating, failed or 'yo-yo' dieting, bulimia and anorexia. Offers information, counselling, and professional training.

TOAST (The Obesity Awareness & Solutions Trust)
www.toast-uk.org.uk
Dedicated to encouraging a better understanding of obesity, its causes and practical solutions, and to highlighting the social stigma directed towards the obese. Encourages informed debate and research into obesity, and seeks to stimulate action for its prevention and treatment.

Weight Concern
www.weightconcern.com
Aims to address the rising problem of obesity and both the physical and psychological health needs of people who are overweight.

Women's Therapy Centre
www.womenstherapycentre.co.uk
Provides individual and group psychotherapy for women of all ages. Themes explored include compulsive eating and bulimia. Website contains information about the services and therapy available.

reading

	Between Therapist and Client: The New Relationship by Michael Kahn (Owl Books NY, 1997) This book is about creating a good counselling relationship between customer and client and thereby letting true counselling occur. Get this book
	Controlling People: How to recognize, understand, and deal with people who try to control you by Patricia Evans (Adams Media Corporation, 2002) Insight into the mindset of controlling types, and advice for those who suffer from their manipulation. Get this book
	Helping People with Eating Disorders by Bob Palmer (John Wiley and Sons, 2000) Resource for those interested in eating disorders and their treatment. Get this book
	It's My Life Now: Starting over after an abusive relationship by Meg Dugan and Roger Hock (Routledge, 2000) Aimed at women who have recently left an abusive relationship who are faced with rebuilding their self-esteem and self-worth, and learning how to establish healthy relationships in the future. Get this book
	The Positive Woman by Gael Lindenfield (HarperCollins, 2000) Shows women how it is possible to transform their lives with a new and positive approach. Includes user-friendly exercises to help break negative thinking patterns. Get this book
	Power and Control by Sandra Horley (Vermilion, 2002) With a foreword by Cherie Booth, this book aims to show abused women that they are not alone, and to help them walk away from the dangerous situations they are in. Get this book

(March 2003, resources updated March 2005)