what happened to me?

by Jenny Bryan

© iStockphoto / Sharon Dominick

Beating eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia can be an uphill struggle, and different people respond to different forms of treatment. Several of you have written in to tell us about your experiences with eating disorders – how they started, the things that helped and those that didn't. Read these personal stories by following the links below.

Telling other people about your experiences with food may help you with your recovery. But it will almost certainly help someone else. Perhaps they will recognise their symptoms and realise they can get help too. Maybe your story will enable a relative or friend of someone with anorexia, bulimia or a serious weight problem to understand more about what they are going through. Your experiences of eating disorder services, clinics and groups could well assist those who are trying to improve them.

You can send your story to us by e-mail to food@channel4.com. Or, if you would be prepared to help our writers with new articles for this site, you can e-mail us at the same address. You can tell us as much or as little about yourself as you like. You don't need to tell us your name or where you live.

Stella's story

Stella's route to recovery from anorexia was unorthodox. But nearly 10 years after anorexia loosened its grip on her life, she can recognise her own value and uniqueness in the world. For Stella, the route out of anorexia lay in exploring her own dreams.

'As a child I was one of a family of six and later, at boarding school, one of 267. So I never felt valued enough for myself. I was the invisible bookworm,' she remembers.

Anorexia crept briefly into her life when she was doing her 'A' levels, but it wasn't until she was 25 that it started to dominate Stella's life.

'I was in a relationship with a woman who had both bulimia and an alcohol problem and I thought that, if I loved her enough, I could make it better.'

When love failed to change everything, Stella turned away from food – eating less, spending hours adapting recipes to reduce their fat and calorie content and suffering panic attacks in supermarkets. A visit to her GP elicited only advice not to worry or go below eight stone.

'Next, I went to an anorexia workshop. I thought that if I owned up to having a problem, it would get better and that would be the end of it.'

The workshop led to three sessions a week of psychoanalytic therapy, lasting for 15 months.

analytic therapy

'We went back into my childhood and discovered some forgotten memories. There were no big scandals, just suppressed feelings about a little girl growing up in a big family, with an absent father and a mother trying to take his place.'

Stella saw that the relationship with her bulimic partner was destructive for both of them and they separated.

'We were so much a part of each other's pathology. We were always going to be watching each other eating. I realised that if I really wanted to get well, we would have to split up.'

cold in body and spirit

Stella's therapy stopped rather abruptly when her therapist left and Stella found herself working through the winter of 1991/92, interviewing people in London's Kings Cross about their housing needs and hiding cold and empty under the bedclothes at night.

'I realised I was cold because I was thin and bony and I read a book at the time which said that if you starve the body, you starve the spirit. I heard about this dream workshop on the other side of the country and I decided to go. There, I realised that my life was dominated by an inner, bossy, masculine self that was constantly belittling me, and I knew that I needed to get through to my feminine side.'

dream exploration

Further dream work followed. Stella found it warmer and more interactive than the analytic therapy and, for her, it was more helpful. After a brief spell teaching abroad, she moved to the country and developed latent creative interests in writing and poetry. With her anorexia well behind her, Stella now supports herself by life modelling at art classes around the county and working for a professional artist.

'I am good at it because I can keep still and because people like the way I look. It has changed my idea of beauty because I see the body more the way that artists do, rather than the way it is portrayed in Hello. I know that beauty is to do with who you are and how you present yourself. I've found my spirit and it's unique.'

May's story

Bulimia has become May's best friend. It started the summer she was 20 and has been going on for three years. Unhappy in an emotionally abusive relationship, May felt that the only thing she could control in her life was food.

'I was never anorexic but I became obsessed. I had to eat at a certain time each day and had very small portions. Then, after about six months, the pendulum swung the other way. I could not stop eating and was bingeing constantly. All the weight went back on and more. Soon I started trying to make myself sick to compensate for the amount I was eating.'

it's hard to get help

Realising she needed help, May went to her doctor and was prescribed Prozac. But it made her feel worse, so she stopped taking it. An outpatient at her local mental health unit, May hasn't seen her consultant for a year because of staff shortages.

'I hope to see my consultant soon, but I don't think I will ever be cured. Sometimes I wonder whether I want to get better. I have a successful job, wonderful boyfriend, good mates and a good social life. I have told everyone that I am better but I have built the bulimia into my life. I am sometimes sick four times a day, often in the toilets at work. It's just part of me.'

May feels sad that so much of her energy goes into bulimia and at the wasted money spent on food that she throws up:

'It's like an addiction. I don't binge every day and I'm usually OK at weekends. It's just a way of coping with everyday life and working in a job that I don't really enjoy. There is always an excuse.'

a way of coping

She knows it sounds odd, but May doesn't feel depressed any more. Her life is happy and she doesn't know why she hangs on to her bulimia. She feels it's just her way of coping.

'I will always be bulimic – even if I stop bingeing and purging because, like an alcoholic, it's always with you and could rear its ugly head again. As fucked up as this is, I know I can eat everything I want without putting on weight. I could die prematurely and do lots of damage to my body, but it doesn't bother me.

'Why do I do it? That's the million dollar question.'

Kate's story

Nearly 20 years after the rape that triggered her eating disorder, Kate has finally put her anorexia behind her. A mother of three and in the third year of an Open University degree, Kate hopes to become a counsellor for teenagers when she completes her course.

'That's when young people need someone to listen to them. I think if I'd had someone to talk to at that age I would never have got into the mess that I did,' she says.

Having never communicated very well with her parents, Kate felt she had no one to turn to when she was raped at the age of 15. She felt guilty, that it was her fault. Her self esteem plummeted and, with it, her weight.

'By the time I was 18, I weighed about six stone. But I had glandular fever and whooping cough around that time and my low weight was blamed on that when, in fact, it was probably the other way around.'

When her parents moved away, Kate quickly married and had three children in three years.

'The doctor didn't think I would get pregnant because of my weight, but I was happiest when I was pregnant and I did put on quite a bit of weight, though I lost it very quickly afterwards.'

exploring feelings

Subsequent depression was diagnosed as post-natal, but was probably due to the anorexia. A suicide attempt finally took Kate into therapy where she started to explore the feelings she had been bottling up for over a decade. Then her husband left her.

'My therapist thought I would just disappear, but it kick started me. I woke up and realised that I had always been with people who made me feel small. When my husband went, I discovered I was a person in my own right. I started the OU course and had very encouraging reports. As I proved to myself that I was a worthwhile person, I put on weight and gained confidence.'

resisting relapse

Kate's weight ballooned for a while and then settled at just under nine stone. A knee operation that went wrong left her in a wheelchair for some months, and her body still isn't as toned as she would like. But she hasn't relapsed into depression or anorexia and she gets by financially.

'My ex-husband still tries to control me financially but I've always been very good with money and we cope very well. My therapist finally signed me off 12 months ago, we reduced my sessions until we felt I no longer needed her. But I know she's there if I have a problem.

'I was never in an eating disorders programme and nobody really admitted I had anorexia. The rape was the catalyst for my anorexia but, looking back, I was a very needy teenager and, if there hadn't been the rape, something else would probably have triggered my anorexia. I think it's the same for young girls today who are affected by media images about being thin. Those who become anorexic are already vulnerable, they have high expectations for themselves and, when they don't meet them, they turn to anorexia.

'Putting a label on my anorexia would have helped because I would have realised that I wasn't that unusual, that there were other people like me and that I could be treated and get better.'

Linda's story

Linda didn't develop anorexia until she was in her mid-20s, but she can trace her problems with food back to her teenage years.

'It was a battle of wills between my father and me. He wanted me to have school dinners and I wanted to take packed lunches like my friends, so I ended up not eating anything at school and bingeing when I got home and there was no one around. I once worked out that, at my worst, I probably ate 5,000 or 6,000 calories at a time.'

Aged 25, 5ft 3in and about 11 stone, Linda was advised to lose some weight because she was on the pill and her blood pressure was raised. In just over a year, she more than halved her weight.

the diet that never stopped

'I went on a diet and never stopped. My anorexia just took over and became my life. I wouldn't admit there was a problem and had all sorts of hormone tests and checks for diabetes before I was finally admitted for anorexia.'

Linda's first experience of anorexia treatment was a reward and privilege regime at a hospital that had only treated one previous patient with an eating disorder. Linda had to earn her privileges by putting on weight.

'At first, there was nothing in my room, I wasn't allowed visitors, the staff wouldn't even talk to me. I put on 2 stone in 10 days, just to get out. But as soon as I was home. I started losing it again. The problem for me of putting weight on quickly is that it all goes on around my middle and my face and I look gross. They say it takes about six months to redistribute, but my anorexia won't let me wait that long.'

There have been several hospital stays in the 17 years since Linda was first treated, and she currently maintains her weight at around 5 stone.

lack of support

'I can't get specialist treatment where I live now and there's no funding to be referred to a private clinic. You can't just walk into a centre of excellence and get expert care, you have to wait months for an NHS referral. Even when you've had treatment there's no follow-up care in the community when you get home. You come home with a plan, but there's no one to help when it all goes wrong and you come off the rails.'

The hospital treatment which Linda found most helpful was one in which she felt she was treated as an individual and negotiated directly with the dietitian about what she ate each day.

'The dietitian understood that I had a problem with high fat foods and she didn't try to get me to eat any until near the end of my stay.'

There was psychological therapy too, aimed at helping Linda develop more positive thoughts and feeling. But, without continuing support when she got home, it was hard to keep the anorexia under control.

'Some people talk about hearing a voice in their head. It's not a voice like in schizophrenia. But it frightens the life out of you. It's always there, in the background.'

Anne's story

When Anne goes out for a meal or on holiday, people are always surprised how much she eats. It's when she gets home that the calorie counting starts.

'I need to be in control. My biggest fear is that if I put my calories up, I will overeat and not be able to stop. Because I am so thin, I can put on half a stone in a few days when I'm on holiday and then I'm afraid I will lose control and go on getting fatter and fatter,' she explains.

At less than five stone, Anne's some way from her seven stone target, but she is planning another big effort to put on weight.

'I long to get well, so that I can do more. My husband's a great adventurer and we've had to turn down so many lovely things because of my anorexia. He feels that the most important thing for someone with anorexia is to get help very early on, to persist and to take it seriously. If one treatment doesn't work, try something else. Time matters. It's an addictive type of behaviour and you get to the point that you only feel safe with your anorexia.

Unfortunately, Anne has started experiencing the health problems associated with long term anorexia. Her bones are so thin that her doctors are amazed she hasn't broken anything. She now takes drugs to treat her osteoporosis. She is also awaiting surgery to repair her prolapsed rectum – a painful and embarrassing problem related to her lack of muscle strength.

'My muscles are so weak, they just aren't supporting my internal organs. I'm constantly leaking and bleeding, it's so uncomfortable. The thought of an operation is terrible and it's suddenly hit me that, even if my anorexia was cured tomorrow, I would be left with permanent health problems.'

Anne has had anorexia for nearly 40 years. It started at college where she was doing a PE course. For the first time in her life, she was buying and cooking her own food. She started dieting in earnest when she took her first teaching job.

'I was a perfectionist and I wanted to do it properly. I always wanted to lose a bit more weight, in case I put it on. My future husband always seemed to be surrounded by slim girls with long hair and I wanted to look the same.'

Anne married and, despite her low weight, had three healthy children thanks, in part, to fertility treatment. But she feels that bad experiences with various doctors and therapists haven't helped her to maintain her weight at a healthy level.

'Thirty-five years ago, there wasn't the understanding that there is now. I'm not really blaming them, but they just frightened me and treated me like a number. I did see a behavioural therapist who helped but I just got more enslaved by goals and regimes.'

Anne always had a strong Christian faith and, about 10 years ago, came across a health visitor who took a more spiritual approach to her counselling.

'She treated me as a whole being and I felt she was interested in me as a person. For the first time, I began to understand why I behaved the way I did and she didn't make me feel stupid. I trusted her and without her I don't think I would have survived.

'Now, I'm not seeing any therapists but I get on well with my GP and she's keeping an eye on me. I'm going to have another go at increasing my calories. I know I've got to take a risk, get my weight up to at least seven stone and then see if I can maintain it. Being positive keeps me going and I'm not giving up hope. It is possible to recover because other people have. You need to listen to the good things that people say about you, not just the bad prognosis.'

Janet's story

Janet's experiences of anorexia treatment over 20 years have left her wary of doctors and therapists. She doesn't want to be treated like a naughty child in programmes based on punishment and reward, but she does need help for the depression which often goes with her anorexia.

'The only times that I have harmed myself or been sick have been when I've felt under terrific pressure and been controlled in hospital, usually when I'm on bed rest and on a diet with which I am unable to cope,' she explains.

All too often, she has followed treatment programmes and put on weight out of fear of being sectioned or because of strict ward staff or dietitians. She hasn't engaged psychologically with them so, once out of hospital, she relapses.

'I originally went into treatment because it was "the right thing to do" but I had little idea of what I wanted and I didn't know myself. I felt people blamed and judged me and therefore I had no right or expectation that I could speak up about the misgivings I had of my treatment. I also felt terribly guilty about my anorexia and I felt it was my fault. We were a very avoiding family and didn't talk about things.'

It's only in the last few years that Janet has convinced herself that, like diabetes or allergies, anorexia is an illness. She can now talk about it and doesn't feel she has to get better, but can work around it. This has 'de-stressed' life for her and she has gained a lot more confidence.

Janet was recently reluctantly referred back to a psychiatrist to help with her depression.

'I get on with him better than previous doctors. He believes what I say, treats me like a normal human being and I don't feel I'm being taken over. I am seeing him once a month while we work out the best thing to do next. At the moment I'm under six stone but I'm trying to be sensible and move forward.'

Sarah's story

At school in the swinging 60s, Sarah felt uncomfortable with her rather hippy classmates and she wasn't happy with her changing teenage shape.

'I started cutting down on food and taking more exercise. I grew apart from my friends and I spent a lot of my time doing schoolwork. I kept saying I'd be alright when my "O" levels were done, but I wasn't,' she says.

At 16, Sarah saw a hormone specialist about her lack of periods and she was told to put on weight which she did out of fear. She managed to reach the required seven stone and was given tablets to start her periods. She struggled on through her 'A' levels, but became more withdrawn.

She saw a psychiatrist and psychologist and eventually settled with a psychotherapist whom she saw twice a week for seven years. During this time, her weight went down from seven to five stone and she embarked on various self-help ways of putting on weight, including a health farm and later a clinic in Switzerland, to avoid going to hospital.

After a few years of this, she lost weight again, having given up hope of getting better properly, and finally went to an anorexia unit in hospital. She was admitted five times before stabilising her weight by attending day care for two to three years and having psychotherapy over many years.

Despite the difficulties, Sarah completed her education and worked full time until her late 20s when she took sick leave and didn't return. Now in her late 40s, Sarah continues to struggle with her anorexia and does part-time voluntary work. After a break in therapy, she now sees a therapist once a fortnight and she is trying to get her weight up from just over six stone to seven stone.

'I know that I can be better than I am now though but even when I'm the best I've been, I'm not really well. I have friends I've met through the hospital and they have eating disorders or other problems. I also spend a lot of time with my sister and her family.

'I know I've had help, but I don't think I had the right help, early enough. My mother kept me away from hospital when I was first ill which in those days was probably a good thing. I'm the sort of person who worries about things and my anorexia is a sort of statement that I don't feel equal to other people. I couldn't join in with things because I didn't feel good enough.

'It's easy to justify being slim and all that goes with it, but I think it's important that people with eating disorders try to get help and don't just accept they have a problem. If one type of treatment doesn't work, you need to try something else.'

(revised February 2004)