'Can I get help even if I'm not being beaten regularly?'
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Q: My partner has hit me four times, the last time was about six months ago. I'm trying to leave but he is psychologically very manipulative and he just ties me in knots. Can I still get help from an organisation if I'm not being beaten regularly? He is destroying me in other ways though and I'm scared that I'll go back to him once I've left, or that I'll get into another destructive relationship because I don't know who I am or what I want any more. Angelface, 37. |
our online advisors reply:
I'm glad you felt able to contact us. So often, women who experience this sort of treatment are afraid to tell anyone what's happening. It must have taken a lot of courage to post your question.
No one has the right to treat you in this way. It doesn't matter that you are not being beaten regularly – you are still suffering domestic violence, as the domestic abuse/violence entry in our abc of family. Emotional scars can often stay with you a lot longer than any physical scars or wounds.
The feelings and fears you are having are perfectly natural. When you leave a relationship like this it's not unusual to worry that you may go back. It can be so hard to find a way of getting out of an abusive relationship but there is help and support available.
You don't have to be in an emergency situation to contact the Women's Aid National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0845 7023 468. As well as offering support, information and advice for women experiencing physical, emotional or sexual violence in the home, the service can refer women to local support networks. There is also a website at www.womensaid.org.uk.
Our article when love hurts mainly discusses physical violence, but it does have a list of other organisations and websites towards the bottom of the page.
You say that you don't know who you are or what you want. Being on the receiving end of this sort of abuse can really affect your confidence and self-worth. I'm wondering whether you have thought about seeing a counsellor. Talking to a qualified counsellor can help someone get back their sense of who they are and explore options for moving forwards.
Your doctor may be able to arrange counselling for you. There is sometimes a long wait but the counselling sessions will be free. Another option is to see a private counsellor. This can be expensive, but some counsellors charge less if their client is on a low income. To find a counsellor near you, check the website of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. There are a few organisations in the BACP database that don't charge fees at all.
You could also consider seeing a specialist relationship counsellor at Relate. You can phone 0845 130 40 10 (weekdays 9.30am-4.30pm) to have a chat with a Relate counsellor, which can help you decide what to do next.
I should remind you that if you are using the internet at home it may be possible for your partner to see which sites you have visited. If you think this might be a problem for you, check the warning page on the Women's Aid site for information on erasing your internet history file. Clearing the history is not 100% certain to cover your tracks though and anyone who is worried about their safety is best advised to use a computer away from the home.
If you have further questions, why not search the extensive bank of answers provided by our trained advisors? Check out just ask.
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