Sarah's diary
Last October, Sarah, aged 27, went into a mother-and-child rehab unit with her two sons for help with coming off heroin. In the following extracts from her diary, she talks about the traumatic events in her past and reveals what life in rehab is really like.
October
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When I was asked, I was really into the idea of doing this diary because if I can stop even just one person from going through a habit, I'll be happy. And if a person can read what heroin has done to my children's and my own life and still go ahead and use it, then they're really stupid or belong in a nut-house.
I'm not going to try and tell you that drugs are shite, because I'd be lying. I love the way drugs make me feel. If they had absolutely no effect on my life and health then I'd probably never even have tried to get clean. And some people, because its effects on your body are so slow (but it will get you in the end!), think that if they don't use needles they'll be OK. It's bollocks. I smoked drugs for years before I ever banged up (injected). I have been really underweight (five and a half to six stone being the worst), to the extent of having no energy for anything. And my lungs have been so screwed up that I couldn't walk up to the phone box without stopping for breath. Each morning I had to spend 30 minutes or so before I could breathe well enough to take my gear. About four years ago I started banging up, which made my habit bigger, and my life harder...
I'm not sure how to go about doing this. I thought maybe I'd do it by telling you my experiences. I'm not going to start at childhood – people are too quick to blame their upbringing (although I'm not saying that experience doesn't have an effect on a person getting a habit, because experience makes you who you are). Next time I will start at the beginning of my habit. I'll also write a kind of diary to let you know what it's like going through rehab, where we should be in four weeks. But for now I'm just going to let you know where my life is now.
I'm 27 years old and have two children – both boys, both beautiful, happy children. One is seven years old, one 18 months. They are my life and what makes this world bearable.
On 9 May this year my husband (and close friend of 15 years) was killed in a car crash. Even though it was indirectly, I know that drugs took him from me. We were in love – everyone always noticed how close we were. We never argued, and he made me the happiest I have ever felt (apart from the children's birth). The pain I feel since he's been gone is unbearable, and the children are the only thing that kept me in this world when he left. I even felt that loving the boys was trapping me here, but now I want to live as best I can for them.
So I am depressed when I'm on my own at night, when the children are sleeping, and all is quiet. I can't sleep or eat. But things are getting easier and I just keep reminding myself that in four weeks we will be in rehab and can get on with the rest of our lives...
Sarah
November
Well here I am in rehab and it's lifted an unbelievable weight off my shoulders. All the stress and anxiety has gone.
Well, as I said I would, here is my first experience with Lady Heroin... I was about 16 when this happened.
A very close friend of mine was nine months pregnant when contractions started. I went up to the hospital with her. She wasn't using, which made what happened that much harder to understand. It was a happy occasion as all was well. Then for an unknown reason the contractions stopped. A little while after that the baby's heartbeat also stopped. My friend knew the baby had died inside her so she had no wish or incentive to push. Although they induced the labour and gave her painkillers, it took her over 26 hours to get him out. I stayed with her throughout the night and only left her side for two fags while she was sleeping. When he did come out he looked so beautiful and peaceful. I could see the pain in her heart and I've never been able to get the look in her eyes out of my mind. It was something that stayed with me throughout both my boys' births.
I was fine when I was in there. I suppose I had to be strong for my friend. But as soon as she was asleep and I left the room, I started to shake and couldn't stop. The father of the baby gave me some Valium to calm me down. I had taken pills and drugs before but only socially. I loved the way I felt that night, even through the stress and pain. The next day I went out looking for a bag of gear. This was the first time that I'd gone out of my way to look for and take gear. And I was at the top of my downhill struggle…
The children and I moved into rehab this week and things have been busy. I hadn't realised just how much chaos I create. It's been excellent to get rid of all the anxiety and stress. But I must admit that it is difficult sometimes. I'm trying really hard to do things before being told to as I know it will drive me mad otherwise!
I was wondering if people could tell the difference between what I'd written here and what I wrote last month when I was still using. After only three weeks I'm already noticing the way I act (the way I've had to be to survive out there). The guilt I feel over the children!
I can't sit still for a second. When I'm doing something I'm already thinking of the next thing to do, to avoid thinking about anything.
The pain I feel over my husband's death feels real now. The whole subject felt like a dream before, and although I hurt, it wasn't nearly as bad as the pain I'm feeling now.
The women in here are so strong. It amazes me – you can see the difference in the new ones and the ones about to leave. It shows me that this place really works and I know I can do it. Each day I can see the changes in me and the boys. It's been hard work with my eldest, as he's seen a lot. But I think he knows he's got his mum back.
Sarah
January
I've not written about the rehab I'm in up till now, as the first few weeks are very difficult and it would be easy to hold resentment. It's not easy, at first, to take what's given to you without seeing it as criticism. You're not used to the honesty after being surrounded by liars. So until you accept that the person you think you are isn't necessarily the person who other people see, other people's honesty can hurt or anger you.
But it doesn't take long (with some longer than others!) before you know that people are saying how it is for your own benefit, and honesty is the way people really care. There's nothing easy about rehab. Unless you're honest with yourself and others then you'll get nowhere. But as difficult as it can get, even after the short time I've been here, I've changed so much. Imagine what six months will do.
As I promised, I'm going to tell you a little more of my life. Well, a little but a lot, because it was three years. I was with a man who wanted a mother more than a lover. He used to steal from me, no matter that I kept him. I think the worst thing about that three years was that I was dealing. Although I really enjoyed the people (with all the fake confidence drugs give you), the downside was never having a minute's space. Also the constant not knowing where I stood with people. That's one of the good things with being here in rehab – you know that when someone says or does something, it's because they want to, not because they want something from you.
I think the worst thing that happened (which still affects my eldest son today, five years later, in that he's scared of masks and crash helmets) was when six men, all with balaclavas, broke through my door one day. They had several weapons: guns (which I presume were replicas – could be wrong though); a harpoon gun, loaded; and a knife. It was obvious they were on the crack as they were hyped up and panicky. This made me even more scared, as they didn't seem to have any control. I'm not going to go into depth over it, only to say that the man who was to become my husband risked his life to protect my son and me. And that having a gun put to my son's head was one of the scariest experiences I've ever had. And trust me there's been a few!
I've put my elder son through so much that it's hard not to let my guilt affect the way I bring him up now. It's been given to me today that I avoid caring for myself by caring too much for others. I'm not sure why I hate myself so much, as I'm liked by others (even if I find it so hard to believe some days!) Still, I'm working on it, so watch this space.
Sarah
February
A day here can be quite draining as it is very structured after all the chaos most of us have come from. As mostly a drug addict's life is very chaotic, when I first got here I was all over the place, and the routine grounded me.
We do a job every morning on a rota – maybe one week I'll be vacuuming the lounge and the next cleaning the laundry.
We have 'med times' when we have the medication we are on, if any, which is gradually reduced each week. Generally this is methadone or Subutex [buprenorphine, a powerful analgesic used for treating opiate and cocaine dependence], but it varies with the individual. I am on methadone but I'm talking to my doctor about Subutex as I've used Subutex before and it worked well for me and was a lot quicker. And really, although I don't want to be ill, I do want to be clean so I can get on with life with no medication. I take mine morning and night, but it is left to what suits you within the four set med times.
On a Monday we have a morning meeting, where the women discuss how the weekend went and order any food we need, also order anything we need from the pharmacy or any stationery we need. Then we do our 'practicalities' for the evenings throughout the week, for example, what we'll do with our children (maybe take them out to the park or library or to play a game indoors) or what time our tea slot will be and what we'll have. Then we have a stress parenting group, which is to discuss the problems we are having and the things we have changed for the better.
Lunchtimes are a chance to catch up on any personal work set by my key-worker in our one-to-ones or in the groups during the week.
On Monday afternoon we have community living group, which is to bring up how we feel in the house and any issues we have with each other. We have an evaluation sheet after each group in which we say what we learned, how we felt with it and what was valuable to help us move forward. Then we pick up our children and get on with our practicalities and tea. At 7pm I put my youngest to bed. My eldest and I have an hour to do homework, have a story and/or play a game.
After the children are in bed at 8pm we come down and do our 'sigs' – talk about the significant events of the day. Then relax!
On Tuesdays we have a parenting group, where a subject to do with children is brought in for us to discuss. After lunch we have one of six groups which rotate – Attitudes, Fear and Anxiety, Johari's Window (which is about you as you see yourself, you as others see you, and the hidden you), Relapse (to help us recognise relapse signs in ourselves), Assertion, and Decisions.
On Wednesdays we do badminton or netball, or, if you're at the move-on stage, aftercare, and then in the afternoon another of the above groups.
Thursdays are a bit more relaxed: in the morning we do any personal work we have, and shiatsu every other week. After lunch it's Creativity and one-to-ones with our key-workers.
On Fridays we have gym – which I love! – where we do body balance, among other things. Then we do a parenting group and weekend practicalities. In the afternoon we have Friday group, which is to say how we've been during the week and what we're going to take into the weekend to help us move forward. Then it's pick-up-children time again, my best bit of the day!
At the weekend we can take the children out, always with another woman from the house. Quite often I take my boys swimming.
We don't have much time to be alone, but I can understand that as often boredom or too much thinking time can cause relapse in the beginning, and this is probably something I'll always have to be careful of as I don't do well with boredom. Although I do like to have time to myself, I tell myself that this is such a short time in my life.
It's a long day, but for me it's about letting go and giving someone else's ideas a try, seeing that my way obviously hasn't worked.
It's nice to be finding out who I am as well – not the junkie me or even me the mum, but the me that I've not been able to be for so many years.
Sarah
April
Two big things have happened in my life this week. One is that I'm off my methadone. I've done three days totally clean. I've felt heavy and had no energy, and had a bit of cramps, but I kept thinking that soon I'll never have to wake up feeling shit again. Then this morning I woke up feeling nearly normal. So day one: no drugs, no medication, no alcohol, just me. And a long time getting here.
The second thing is that for the first time in my life I've faced myself instead of running away.
I had to do a piece of work last week on the reality of me leaving rehab before I'm ready, as I've tried to stop using and relapsed many times in my drug history. I am including the bit of work I did here, although I have been in two minds about a lot of what I've written for this diary because of what people might think of me – after all, the old me and the person I am becoming are one and the same. But after a lot of thought I decided that the reality of being an addict is important for people to see. It's easy to glamorise using drugs, but the reality is very different.
avoiding excuses
I almost used a situation I created as an excuse to give up and leave, which would have resulted in me relapsing again. Even if I managed to stay clean for a few months, which is probably longer than I could expect before I let my self-pity and excuses surface, I would use again. I would probably start to drink first, then I would want a smoke with it. Then one day when I'm pissed up I would let it into my head that one bag of gear is OK.
Once using again I would begin to deal again and put myself and my boys in danger. Being in a big city there would be plenty of crack for me to use. Also plenty of stress for me to use to keep my excuses strong.
By this time my house (if I'd got that much together) would be in a state and full of other users to help me with my children. My head would be working on its high-speed notch, and I also get very scatty with crack. And with all the chaos I create when my head is in that place, both my boys would be totally confused, insecure and would have lost any trust they had left for me.
And then my dad would step in to rescue them. He would most likely keep my eldest, but wouldn't be able to look after both. So I would either let my youngest suffer more with me until I realised in my heart that if I love him I will not keep him in the same situation I've let my eldest boy suffer for so many years. So he would go into care and eventually be adopted. Once I had let go of my boys I would have no need for excuses any more. No matter how long it would take, most likely a matter of weeks the way I use when I let go, I would end up dead. So not only would my boys have lost their father, they would lose each other and their mum.
None of this is going to happen again. Not this time. This time I'm going to put my boys first.
Sarah
One year on
Well here I am sitting in our new kitchen. It's just sinking in how far I've come.
I feel as though I've come home for the first time, not just because of the home I'm building but because I feel at home in myself.
I've been thinking about the consequences of using. When I was on the gear I believed that if I had loads of cash I could get clean or that I could use without it affecting my life – a buzz without consequences. Of course, that is bollocks. All drug use has consequences – on me as an addict and on my children, family, friends and anyone else whose lives I touched. I am where I am in my recovery because of people's belief in me – people who gave me a chance – and because of my own hard work. I will always be full of gratitude for that chance. I could not have achieved this alone. It is possible to detox alone [see diy detox and problems and services], but I don't believe I would ever have been free until I looked deeply at myself, and without the honesty I've been given.
hard work
This year has been hard work. Every moment of it has helped me move forward and I wouldn't miss a minute of it – even my lowest points, where I have struggled like fk, because there's been learning for me in all of them.
Recovery is a process, one I'm still living and which will always be a part of my life. But I am more liberated than I've ever been. For every difficult feeling I let myself experience, there is a good feeling that no drug could achieve. I can see the changes I've made by reading these website diaries. In each one I can see a difference in me by the way I am writing and what I say.
I've found this last diary difficult to write because I want so much for this to help other people who are dependent on drugs. But I also know in my heart that, whatever anyone says or does, the addict has to truly want recovery for themselves. Each of us has our own personal hell on earth. I had to reach mine before I found the strength to get out. Not that I'm advising that a person waits until they reach that point before they get out! Everyone has their own timing with things. I wouldn't wish the pain I had to live in before I got out on anyone. Getting clean and living free of drugs and alcohol was scary for me – more so for me than some of the situations I put myself in when using. Sometimes emotional pain is more frightening than physical pain. It wasn't until I let go of that fear that I landed on earth, wondering what I had been so scared of. Once I let go, I realised all that I'd been missing.
Drugs blinded me to everything, so in hiding from reality I could no longer see the good in this world. I missed the changes as my children grew. I experienced nothing when they laughed. Now it makes my heart smile. I'm angry at what I let drugs steal from me for so long.
new beginnings
I was given a piece of work when I was first in treatment. I had to list my strengths and weaknesses. I struggled to find strengths, whereas my weaknesses list was long. I was asked to do the same piece of work just before I left. I struggled to find weaknesses, whereas writing my strengths came easily.
A lot of my using was because of my lack of confidence and low self-esteem. Admittedly drugs gave me confidence, but it was a fake confidence that left me when the gear wore off. Treatment gave me the chance to build my confidence and self-esteem. I was very lucky in that the rehab I went to has a very wise ethos: they focus on people taking responsibility and on honesty as well as supporting you through the process.
There are very few rehabs for mums with their children. I don't believe there are any for single fathers. The funding for people to go into treatment is in short supply, and often families are split up. My children went through my using lifestyle with me, and I cannot stress enough the importance of them experiencing the recovery process for themselves as well as seeing the changes. I have gained a lot over this year – a good relationship with my children, friendship, forgiveness and a different relationship with the rest of my family. Health and energy for life. I see the rewards in my children's eyes and in my own life every day. A new beginning and
FREEDOM TO BE ME!
Sarah
help and info
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organisations
FRANK
Helpline: 0800 77 66 00 (Every day 24 hours)
Textphone: 0800 917 8765
E-mail: frank@talktofrank.com
Website: www.talktofrank.com
Provides free confidential drugs information and advice 24 hours a day. All calls are confidential. Use the website's search facility to get the contact details of organisations offering practical help and support in your area.
HIT
Hanover House
Hanover Street
Liverpool L1 3DZ
Tel: 0870 990 9702 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm)
Website: www.hit.org.uk
Works in partnership with individuals, community groups and health, social care and criminal justice agencies at a local, national and international level to reduce drug harm. Produces a range of information on all aspects of drug use
Narcotics Anonymous
Helpline: 020 7730 0009 (Every day, 10am-10pm)
E-mail: helpline@ukna.org
Website: www.ukna.org
A non-profit fellowship of men and women for whom drugs had become a major problem, who meet regularly to help each other stay clean. Recovery in NA focuses on the problem of addiction, rather than on any particular drug. The website has information for those who think they may have a drug problem, for professionals working with addicts seeking recovery and for recovering addicts.
websites
The National Treatment Agency for Substance Misuse
www.nta.nhs.uk
Links to drug rehabilitation services and drug-related counselling throughout the UK. Includes a young person's directory for people under 18.
recovery.org.uk
www.recovery.org.uk/druginfo/index.html
Information on heroin and its effects.
urban75 E-zine
www.urban75.com/Drugs/drugsmak.html
Information on the realities of heroin use.
(October 2001, resources updated February 2005)
