'How can I talk to my ex about his drug taking?'
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Q: I broke up with my ex-boyfriend for various reasons, one of which was his drug habits as he had started to going to clubs and doing pills (he's 22). He also smoked a lot of hash – the first thing he would do when he got up would be roll a joint. Right after I ended our four-year relationship he spent over £2,000 on drink and drugs in two months. Now he goes out clubbing on a regular basis and when I last saw him he was chain smoking joints by himself. He seemed withdrawn and moody as well as being thin. He seems to have lost all direction in life and has no real friends, just people he does drugs with. I'm really worried about him but I know that if I try to approach the subject of drugs we will just fight and he will tell me there's no problem. I must admit that I also feel very guilty about this situation as I feel it is partly my fault. I really don't know what to do. People have said that I should just leave him to it, but I know I can't do this. Please help. Jess, 21 |
our online advisors reply:
Hi Jess. Thanks for contacting us.
It is really difficult to watch someone you care about struggling with their life. If your ex-boyfriend's way of coping with the end of your relationship was to go on a binge of drink and drugs, then that is his responsibility. Break ups can be really painful experiences and people have different ways of coping with them. I'm sure it was painful for you also, as it can't have been an easy decision for you to make, but remember the drugs were an issue before you split up and were part of the reason you left.
It is natural that you are worried about him, especially as you feel partly responsible for what is happening to him and so want to try and help him – this is a natural reaction. It is important for you that your guilt doesn't drive you to try and rescue him in a way that hurts you. It has to be his decision to change, you cannot do it for him. This can feel quite powerless when you want to help somebody and it can sometimes feel a bit like banging your head against a brick wall. If your ex is not yet ready to admit his addiction and recognise what is happening to him, he is going to be very resistant to attempts to help. If you are not ready for help, any efforts to help, no matter how well intentioned, can often be seen as judgements.
I'm wondering how easy it is going to be for both of you to accept the break up and move on if you are still wanting to take responsibility for this aspect of his life. It can be a very stressful experience trying to support someone who doesn't want to be supported and can also become quite destructive for the person trying to help.
I realise this is a really upsetting situation for you and maybe it would be useful for you to talk with somebody in confidence about how you are coping.
Talk to Frank offers support to drug users, their family and friends. They are available on 0800 77 66 00 (24 hours a day) and also have a website at www.talktofrank.com.
You may also find the feature on this site dealing with family and friends useful; this also has some further support links: Families and friends.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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