families and friends
Kate Roach looks at the problems faced by the family and friends of drug users – and at what they can do to help
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Drugs don't only affect the people that use them. Those who are close to drug users may feel anxious, lonely, depressed, angry or even ashamed.
But it's important not to overreact if you find out – or only suspect – that someone is using drugs. Large numbers of young people try drugs and the vast majority come to no harm. 'Try not to panic,' says Hywel Sims, chief executive of Adfam, a national charity for the friends and family of drug users. 'Remember that just because someone is experimenting with drugs it doesn't mean that they are, or ever will be, a drug "addict". Most won't. But, if you're at all worried about someone else using drugs, it's important that you get good information and advice for your sake and theirs.'
getting the facts and getting help
If you feel you don't know very much about drugs, or you've only heard the horror stories, it's extremely important to get the facts. The abc of drugs in this website has straightforward information about the short- and long-term risks of different drugs In addition, the main organisations offering support for the families and friend of drug users are listed in help and info at the end of this feature. Finally, the feature problems and services reviews the help that's available for drug users and gives some practical advice on finding an appropriate service.
seeing the signs
But how can you tell if someone is taking drugs in the first place? Drug users can be secretive, even with their friends.
The following may be tell-tale signs:
- sudden and regular changes in mood
- secretive behaviour
- unusual aggression
- sleepiness or drowsiness
- steady weight loss
- evidence of drug use, such as scorched pieces of tin foil, burnt spoons, needles and so on
- money spent with no sign of what has been bought
- missing work or school.
However, remember that some of these 'signs' may be related to other problems – or to no problem at all.
talking
If someone you know is taking drugs or has a drink problem, it's important to keep lines of communication open if you can, so be prepared to talk calmly and discuss all the facts. And you will probably need to reassure the person that it's OK for them to talk to you openly about what they are doing. Try and find out why the drugs they are using are so attractive to them. If you can understand why they are taking drugs, you may be able to help them consider other ways of feeling good.
Of course, you don't have to wait until you discover someone is using drugs to discuss the subject. According to the British Crime Survey, 49% of people in the 1629 age group have tried drugs, so it may be that making sure the subject isn't taboo and passing on sensible information about risk reduction (see safer using) is the best way of avoiding problems in the first place.
blame
Many of those who share some part of their lives with someone who has a problem with drugs develop a nagging belief that they are somehow at fault. Parents may think they have been too strict or not strict enough, or that they haven't been sufficiently supportive; partners may think they're not attractive enough or not enough fun. These thoughts are very common, but try not to blame yourself: you can't be responsible for someone else's behaviour.
persuasion and support
Your first priority might be that someone stops using drugs or drinking too much – but is it their first priority? The Adfam National Helpline gets a lot of calls from people whose loved ones continue using drugs despite all efforts to dissuade them. Sadly, no matter how much you want someone to give up drugs or alcohol, they themselves must want to change before anyone can help them. No amount of persuasion, nagging or threats will make any difference.
Remember that support is about helping someone to sort themselves out, not doing it for them. You may well be able to offer help in the form of a shoulder to cry on or someone they can confide in. This kind of emotional support can be very important to people who are struggling with an addiction.
However, not all forms of help are constructive. It's easy to get sucked into supporting someone else's drug-using behaviour. If you offer too much in the way of practical assistance, in the form of money, clothes, food or a home, for example, you may be enabling someone to keep on using. And by not making any demands of a user you may unwittingly be supporting their habit.
Finally, what about support for you? Many people find it useful to talk to others who have had similar experiences. See help and info at the end of this feature for organisations that can put you in touch.
Jenny's story
One evening Jenny received a call from her son's school. She was told that 15-year-old Mark had been caught with the drug ecstasy and was to be expelled immediately. It was a bolt out of the blue. Jenny felt horrified, lost and panicky.
'I knew Mark had been unhappy at school,' she says, 'so I was quite lenient with him and I directed my anger at the school. He swore to me that he'd only taken ecstasy once before; he said lots of kids were doing it and it wasn't a problem. Anyway, we got through that and Mark went on to a new school and then college. I thought everything was fine.'
Mark didn't complete his first year at college but he did find a job that he liked in London, making furniture. All seemed well till Jenny got a call from a friend of Mark's who'd lent him money. Could Jenny pay him back? Then came another call, this time from a concerned friend. Next, a letter from Mark's bank arrived – he owed them money too.
'When I confronted Mark he just gave me a load of cock-and-bull stories about business being bad. I believed him – well, I wanted to. I was confused and concerned. So I paid the bank and sent Mark money to pay his friends.' For the next couple of years, Mark kept calling on Jenny to bail him out and Jenny kept obliging. Eventually Mark built up debts that lost him his flat and his job. With everything gone, he went home to Jenny and came clean. He told her he was a heroin addict.
It was another terrible shock. But once again Jenny tried to sort things out. Her local GP put them in touch with the detox unit at the nearest big hospital, and Mark began a methadone programme, reducing the dose to zero over a couple of weeks. After two months all seemed well and Mark returned to London to look for work. Jenny thought that was the end of it. But then she started to receive more calls from Mark's friends. He was using again.
'Mark blamed me'
'I felt so alone,' says Jenny. 'Mark's father was not in the picture any more and I only had one sister, but I was so ashamed I couldn't bring myself to ask her for help. By now, I was exhausted, confused and constantly miserable. Mark blamed me – he said it was my fault that he'd been so unhappy at school, and I just took it all.'
Jenny felt so guilty that she had to do something and she persuaded Mark to give treatment another go. She borrowed money and even sold some of her possessions to raise enough to pay for a place at a private clinic. It was at this time that Jenny heard about Families Anonymous (see help and info below) – self-help groups for anyone affected by another person's drug problem. She decided to join one.
'It was such a relief to speak to people who felt like I did. And I began to see how I'd been making the situation worse – I'd always been there to give him money, a home and a refuge. In a way, I was enabling him to keep using drugs. Slowly, I started to claw my life back – I started to think of myself again.' As soon as Mark was out of the treatment centre he went back to heroin. From time to time he would turn up at Jenny's house and in the months that followed he stole from her and lied to her again and again. And he overdosed in her house several times.
But Jenny was beginning to learn that she had to say 'no'. Mark was an adult: he should be able to look after himself and it was his choice to keep on taking drugs.
'I felt like I hated my own son'
The next time Mark asked for help, instead of providing money, Jenny found him a state-funded treatment centre. But yet again Mark went back to his old life.
Finally, Mark fell foul of the law. To make ends meet, Jenny had taken in lodgers – and Mark stole money from one of them. The police were called and Mark was taken into custody.
'It was the worst day of my life. I felt so ashamed and guilty,' Jenny says. 'My lodger was furious with me for letting Mark into the house. By now, I felt like I hated my own son. I told him that he was on his own.'
Mark was in prison for two months on remand. When the case came to court he was sentenced to three months in prison but released immediately because, allowing for parole, he'd already completed his sentence.
He then began another regime of treatment. But this time there was a difference – he was doing it for himself – and it worked. Mark has been drug-free for more than 10 years.
'It took a long time for us to rebuild our trust in each other,' says Jenny, 'but I think we've done well. I do wish I'd known more about drugs at the beginning. I think it would have made things easier.'
help and info
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organisations
Addaction
67-69 Cowcross Street
London EC1M 6PU
Tel: 020 7251 5860 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm)
E-mail: info@addaction.org.uk
Website: www.addaction.org.uk
Working solely in the field of drug and alcohol treatment, Addaction runs community-based and prison-based projects, plus specialist services for young people.
Adfam
Waterbridge House
32-36 Loman Street
London SE1 0EH
Tel: 020 7928 8898 (Mon-Fri 9am-5pm)
E-mail: admin@adfam.org.uk
Website: www.adfam.org.uk
Adfam is a national charity working with families affected by drugs and alcohol and is a leading agency in substance related family work. It provides a range of publications and resources for families about substances and criminal justice and operates an online message board and database of local support groups that helps families hear about and talk to people who understand their situation. Adfam also runs direct support services at London prisons for families of inmates affected by drugs. A list of publications and resources is available on the website.
Al-Anon Family Groups UK and Eire
61 Great Dover Street
London SE1 4YF
Tel: 020 7403 0888 (Mon-Fri 10am-4pm, answerphone available)
Website: www.al-anonuk.org.uk
Offers understanding and support for families and friends of problem drinkers. Alateen is for young people aged 12-20 who have been affected by someone else's drinking. See the website for details of branches in Scotland, Northern Ireland and Eire.
Drinkline
PO Box 4000
Glasgow G3 8XX
Helpline: 0800 917 8282 (24 hours, every day)
A free national helpline offering advice and information for people with alcohol problems
or anyone concerned about alcohol misuse. Provide advice on sensible drinking and
information on local support services to help people cut down on their drinking.
Drugscope
40 Bermondsey Street
London SE1 3UD
Tel: Office 020 7940 7500
Tel: Information Line 0870 774 3682 (Mon-Fri 10am-1pm)
E-mail: infor@drugscope.org.uk
Website: www.drugscope.org.uk
National drugs information agency with services that include a library, a wide range of publications, policy research and consultancy.
Families Anonymous
Doddington and Rollo Community Association
Charlotte Despard Avenue
London SW11 5HD
Helpline: 0845 1200 660 (Mon-Fri 1pm-5pm, otherwise telephone numbers of volunteer contacts are given by recorded message)
E-mail: office@famanon.org.uk
Website: www.famanon.org.uk
Runs groups throughout the UK for relatives and friends of people using drugs or with related behavioural problems.
FRANK
Helpline: 0800 77 66 00 (Every day 24 hours)
Textphone: 0800 917 8765
E-mail: frank@talktofrank.com
Website: www.talktofrank.com
Provides free confidential drugs information and advice 24 hours a day. All calls are confidential. Use the website's search facility to get the contact details of organisations offering practical help and support in your area.
Lifeline
101-103 Oldham Street
Manchester M4 1LW
Helpline: 0161 839 2054 (Mon-Fri 9.30-5pm)
E-mail: acs@lifeline.org.uk
Website: www.lifeline.org.uk
Confidential advice, information and support for drug users, their family and friends. Lifeline have offices in Manchester, East Lancashire, West Yorkshire and Calderdale providing a range of services.
websites
Alcohol and Drugs – What parents need to know
www.rcpsych.ac.uk/...
One of the 'Mental Health and Growing Up' factsheets produced by The Royal College of Psychiatrists.
DIY Ecstasy Information
www.sorted.org/diy/Druginfo/Ecstasy.htm
A realisitic site that offers tips for safe use of ecstasy and outlines those who are most likely to be damaged by the drug.
Home Office – Information for Family Members Who Are Supporting Drug Users
www.drugs.gov.uk/ReportsandPublications/Communications/1064398796
This report sets out the findings from a qualitative research project undertaken on behalf of the Home Office and Adfam, to establish the information and resource needs of 'family' supporters of drug users.
reading
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Intervention: How to Help Someone Who Doesn't Want Help by Vernon Johnson (Beacon Press, 1986) |
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When a Family Is in Trouble by Marge Heegaard (Fairview Press, 1993) |
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A Parent's Guide to Street Drugs by James Lang (Insomniac Press, 2001) |
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(June 2001, resources updated February 2005)
