childhood grief
by Claire Laurent
Coping with the death of someone close to us is hard enough when we are adults but when it affects children too it can be hard for us to know what to say or how to support them.
© C4
Winston's Wish is a charity that supports bereaved children and young people. Founder and chief executive Julie Stokes, who is a consultant psychologist, says: 'The primary influence on the child's adaptation to the fact that someone significant has died is how secure they feel with whoever is left to look after them.'
The other important influence is what else in their life changes. Often the death of a parent may lead to further losses. 'For instance, it might be they move house as a result of a death. That means the child has to start a new school and they lose the familiarity of their bedroom and their peer group,' says Julie.
helping yourself
If you are a parent or carer who is grieving the death of someone close to you and your children, you are likely to feel a whole range of intense emotions. You may feel shocked, sad, angry, guilty, anxious, relieved and lonely. Coping with all of these feelings, which are often all jumbled up together, can be exhausting. On top of this you know that how you are affects your children and you want to do what's best for them at a time when you are finding it a great strain to look after yourself.
It is important that you make time for yourself, to think about what's happened and to recharge your energy or you will not have the strength to support children too. Enlist friends and relatives to support you and the children.
supporting young people
'Children's grief is fundamentally no different from adults,' says Julie. 'What is different is the way children can calibrate their emotions. When they have had enough they have had enough. They can be in floods of tears and just switch off. For adults grief is like wading through this enormous river whereas for children it's puddle jumping, but when they're in that puddle it's no different to the river.'
'How children cope is dependent on how the adults around them are behaving but it also depends on their age,' says Julie. It is perfectly all right to cry in front of children and with them, explaining why you feel angry or sad. Saying for example, 'I'm crying because Dad died and I miss him,' lets your child understand why you're sad and that it's all right to show you're upset.
'Grief in children is very bound up in self esteem and confidence,' says Julie. 'The death of someone in their lives shatters their sense that the world is safe. They are provided with evidence that things are no longer secure and certain.'
Children are more likely to act out their distress then speak about it, often because they don't have the vocabulary to explain how they feel. So you can expect children to be more irritable or aggressive. You can help by encouraging them talk about how they feel and giving them the language to describe their feelings. Drawing and painting are therapeutic activities in themselves but they can also help children describe how their feeling.
talking about death
Hard though it may be, it's better to use words such as 'died' and 'death' rather than 'lost' or 'passed away' as children may not understand that these might mean the same thing. Children may react with great distress but equally they may take it in their stride, so much so, that you'd be forgiven for thinking they hadn't heard what you said. For instance they may say, 'Can I go and play football now?' This is a normal reaction and they will come back for more information later.
when someone takes their own life
If the person who has died has taken their own life it can feel impossible to know how to explain this to children. According to Winston's Wish it can help to break the process down into five stages, which may happen in the space of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months or even years, depending on when questions are asked or the likelihood of your child finding out by other means. These stages are:
1. Explaining that the person has died
2. Giving simple details about how they died
3. Saying that the person chose to take their own life
4. Providing a more detailed description of how the person died
5. Exploring possible reasons why the person chose to kill themselves.
For more information contact Winston's Wish (see help and info).
childhood stages
To understand children's experience of grief it can help to relate it to their developmental age.
four and under
'Children this age are very connected to the person who is left to look after them. If they see that person upset there's a very strong need in the child for the surviving parent to be OK. Parents do need a lot of support with young ones,' says Julie. You may find it helpful to enlist the support of friends, relatives or your child's nursery to help your child and take some of the pressure off you.
They do not really understand that death is permanent so although you can talk to them about Mum having died and gone to heaven they are still likely to say: 'I know Mummy's dead and gone to heaven but she will come back for my birthday won't she?' Or they may say, 'I know Mummy's dead and can't come back from heaven so I want to die too to be with her.'
They are not expressing a real wish to die but simply to be with and see the other parent. Julie advocates introducing memory boxes at an early stage with young children. 'We only develop strategies for being able to remember, after the age of seven,' she says. 'So a five-year-old who is given no memory prompts, such as stories repeated over and over or photographs to look at, will have virtually forgotten the person who has died by the time they are six.'
For this reason she says it's important to help your child gather together things that will help them remember. Photographs, letters, cards, a small item of clothing or an ornament that belonged to the parent who has died, will all help.
'We sometimes think that out of sight is out of mind but what they need is control over being able to access the person that's died. Giving them a memory box they can keep in their bedroom which they can get out when they want is a good idea,' says Julie.
the middle years
School age children begin to understand about death and realise that the person is not coming back. However, this is an age group who find it particularly hard to deal with change so it is particularly important to maintain their home and school routine as much as possible.
'It's the loss of confidence that really affects children. They are very susceptible to being taunted in the playground.' This is where you are able to do something practical. Talk to your child's teacher and the head before she returns to school. With your child's permission it can help if the teacher sits down with the child and their classmates and tells them what has happened and encourages friends to be supportive. Your child will feel less isolated and embarrassed at being 'different'.
teenage years
Teenagers experience grief in a similar way to adults. They will be more aware of how others feel and also more likely to bottle up their feelings. As a result they may become withdrawn or their schoolwork may suffer. Don't let them take on an adult role, caring for you. Do give them permission to be children – to express how they feel without thinking it's childish.
grief and everyday life
It can help to think of grieving, whether you are an adult or a child, as rather like a pendulum. Your emotions seem to swing backwards and forwards in an exhausting way. There is no neat working through of different stages: we may swing from denial to anger to numbness all in the course of a day.
'On one extreme you have the sense of loss and sadness and on the other you have restoration – the things you have to do to get on with your life,' explains Julie. So you may find your child is competing to get into the school netball team but on the other is sad that Mum won't be there to cheer her on.
Children who have suffered a bereavement may be particularly vulnerable to a subsequent loss – one that is often on the surface less distressing. So a child who seems to have coped well with the death of a parent may be completely distraught when a pet dies at a later date. 'They may not buffer that as well but equally if they have had very good support around them at the time of the parent's death they may have the emotional intelligence to deal with the subsequent loss,' says Julie.
help and info
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organisations
Winston's Wish
The Clara Burgess Centre
Bayshill Road
Cheltenham GL50 3AW
Family Line: 0845 20 30 40 5 (Mon-Fri 9.30am-5pm)
Tel: 01242 515157 (general enquiries)
E-mail: info@winstonswish.org.uk
Website: www.winstonswish.org.uk
A charity which supports bereaved children and young people. Also offers guidance and information to their families and to anyone concerned about a child after a bereavement. The website explains more about the services available which can help after the death of someone close, and offers resources, activities and ideas to try.
Childhood Bereavement Network
8 Wakely Street
London EC1V 7QE
Tel: 020 7843 6309 (Mon-Fri 10am-5pm)
E-mail: cbn@ncb.org.uk
Website: www.childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk
National network of organisations working with bereaved children and their families. The website has a directory of local and national childhood bereavement services offering information, guidance and support to bereaved children and their families, and suggestions about offering help after a death.
The Child Bereavement Trust (CBT)
Aston House
West Wycombe
High Wycombe HP14 3AG
Tel: 01494 446 648
Information and Support Line: 0845 357 1000
E-mail: enquiries@childbereavement.org.uk
Website: www.childbereavement.org.uk
A national UK charity aimed at professionals whose work brings them into contact with bereaved families. Produces resources and information for bereaved children and families and the doctors, nurses, midwives, teachers and those in the voluntary sector who help them.
The Rainbow Centre
27 Lilymead Avenue
Bristol BS4 2BY
Tel: 0117 985 3354 (Mon-Fri 10am-2pm)
E-mail: contact@rainbowcentre.fsnet.co.uk
Website: www.rainbowcentre.org.uk
Provides support and therapy to children affected by cancer, life threatening illness and bereavement.
ChildLine
45 Folgate Street
London E1 6GL
Helpline: 0800 11 11 (Freephone 24 hours)
Textphone: 0800 400 222
The Line: a special helpline for any young person living away from home. This is the helpline for you if you live in a foster home or a children's home, if you're at boarding school or you've been in hospital for a long time. You can call The Line on 0800 88 44 44 from 3.30pm-9.30pm on weekdays and 2pm-8pm at weekends.
Website: www.childline.org.uk
UK's free, 24-hour helpline for children and young people. Trained volunteer counsellors provide comfort, advice and protection. Lines can be busy so please try again if you don't get through the first time. Young people can also write to the following freepost address: ChildLine, Freepost 1111, London N1 0BR.
Cruse Bereavement Care
PO Box 800
Richmond
Surrey TW9 1RG
Helpline: 0844 477 9400 (Mon-Fri 9.30am to 5pm)
Email: helpline@cruse.org.uk
Website: www.cruse.org.uk
Cruse Bereavement Care exists to promote the well-being of bereaved people and to enable anyone bereaved by death to understand their grief and cope with their loss. The organisation provides counselling and support. It offers information, advice, education and training services.
Samaritans
c/o Chris
PO Box 90 90
Stirling FK8 2SA
Helpline: 08457 90 90 90 (24 hours)
E-mail: jo@samaritans.org
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk
The Samaritans exists to provide confidential emotional support to any person, irrespective of race, creed, age or status who is in emotional distress or at risk of suicide; 24 hours a day. Can be contacted by e-mail, telephone, writing, or by visiting one of over 200 local branches (details are on the website).
St Christopher's Hospice
51-59 Lawrie Park Road
Sydenham
London SE26 6DZ
Enquiries: 020 8768 4500
E-mail: info@stchristophers.org.uk
Website: www.stchristophers.org.uk
Cares for people with cancer and some other serious illnesses, helping them and their families to cope at this difficult time. Offers bereavement counselling and advice. Runs the St Christopher's Candle Project, which provides bereavement counselling for children, young people and their families in the south east London area.
Youth Access
1-2 Taylors Yard
67 Alderbrook Road
London SW12 8AD
Helpline: 020 8772 9900 (Mon-Fri 9am-1pm, 2-5pm)
E-mail: admin@youthaccess.org.uk
Website: www.youthaccess.org.uk
A national membership organisation for youth information, advice and counselling agencies. Provide details of and referrals to local youth agencies and counselling services for young people aged between 14 and 25, but do not offer direct advice.
websites
Bereavement
www.rcpsych.ac.uk/.../bereavement.aspx
Online leaflet produced by the Royal College of Psychiatrists on the grieving process, and how to seek help and advice. Considers the grief of children and adolescents, and their need for mourning.
Child Bereavement Trust
www.childbereavement.org.uk/resources/articles.php
A range of articles to help people experiencing bereavement and grief and those close to them. Includes Understanding Bereaved Children and Young People and further resources.
The Compassionate Friends Sibling Support
www.tcfsiblingsupport.org.uk
Offers support to all siblings whether they have lost their brother or sister, half-brother or sister, step-brother or sister, or an adopted or foster brother or sister.
Cruse Bereavement Care
www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk/wsd_children.htm
A section devoted to helping children come to terms with the loss of a loved one.
RD4U
www.rd4u.org.uk
RD4U is a website designed for young people by young people. It is part of Cruse Bereavement Care's Youth Involvement Project and is here to support people after the death of someone close. RD4U means the 'road for you' – finding the right road for you to deal with your loss.
Helpline: Young Person's freephone helpline: 0808 808 1677 (Mon-Fri 9.30am to 5pm)
Email: info@rd4u.org.uk
Understanding Bereavement
www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/
Understanding/Understanding+bereavement.htm
This downloadable MIND booklet helps those who are facing the loss of someone close to them to know better what to expect from themselves and from others. It provides information for them, their families and friends about how to cope, and what support is available.
reading
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Waterbugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children by Doris Stickney (Continuum International, 2002) |
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Children and Grief: When a parent dies by J William Worden (Guildford Press, 2002) |
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Helping Children Cope with Grief by Rosemary Wells (Sheldon Press, 1988) |
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When Someone Very Special Dies by Marge Heegaard (Fairview Press, 1991) |
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Grief and Bereavement by Ann Couldrick (Sobell Publications, 1989) |
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Grief in Children: A handbook for adults by Atle Dyregrov (Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 1991) |
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Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss by Claudia Jewett Jarratt (Harvard Common Press, 1994) |
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(July 2002, resources updated February 2005)
