'My ex's mum is dying. How can I help him?'
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Q: My ex's mum is dying. She's been dying for a long time of cancer, it must be over a year now. We only broke up about two months ago. I haven't seen him for a while because of my exams, but we're still quite close. He called me today to tell me that she was probably going to die next weekend, and I had no idea what to say to him. I said that he could come round here if he needed to, but I just realised that I'll have no idea what to say to him if he does show up. I know it's not really my problem, but I was wondering if you had any tips on what to say or do to try and make everything a bit better. Helen, 18 |
our online advisors reply:
Being there for a friend who has lost a loved one can be hard. It's never easy to know what to do for the best. It's worth remembering that you have probably already begun to help by offering him a place to go if he needs some space.
Giving him your time, and listening to him will be really important. You can also help by trying to gently encourage him to seek help, when he's ready. Bear in mind that bereavement can take a long time to work through – it probably won't help to push him. Don't try to take responsibility for his grief, it is a natural reaction to losing someone close.
How people cope with the pain of grief will vary greatly. The Mind website has an article about understanding bereavement, which may help you appreciate the grieving process and offers suggestions about how to support him.
Men can often react to emotional situations very differently to women. They are less likely to talk about how they feel, and less likely to seek help from a doctor or anyone else. This idea that 'men are supposed to cope' can result in some men feeling obliged to hold on to the tensions that they are experiencing. It can build up inside – a bit like a pressure cooker.
Have you read our article it helps to talk about death and dying? It talks about the process of dying and may help you understand what your ex is going through now, while he is expecting his mum to die soon.
People who are grieving can sometimes be so weighed down with their own problems that they have no energy to consider anyone else's feelings. Make sure that you have support for yourself, otherwise you may be hurt by things he says or does and so be less able to cope. It's important to realise that this behaviour is part of their distress – try not to take it personally. Are there other friends or relatives who could support you?
Sometimes it's easier to talk about painful things with someone we don't know. There is an organisation called Cruse Bereavement Care. The Cruse helpline offers advice and support to anyone who has been affected by a death, and to anyone supporting bereaved people. The number is 0870 167 1677, or freephone 0808 808 1677 for young people up to the age of 18.
I hope this helps you and your friend.
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