when love hurts: refuge from domestic violence
by Tina Jackson
It is estimated that one in four women are likely to experience domestic violence at some point in their lives. This accounts for one quarter of all violent crime and can include rape, punching or hitting, pulling hair out, threatening with a gun or knife, or even threatening to kill her. In England and Wales, between one and two women are killed by a violent partner or ex-partner every week. One in three men who are violent to their female partners are also violent to their children.
Domestic violence can happen to any woman, regardless of her age, profession or class – or that of the man who beats her.
it can happen to anyone
© stockbyte
'Kyle works in IT,' says primary school teacher Marina, 24, who finally left her boyfriend 18 months ago. 'One of the things which drew me to him was how well-mannered and polite he was. It made it even more of a shock the first time he hit me. He was so sorry afterwards that I thought it was a one-off, and he'd go back to being his normal, quiet self. But after it happened the first time, it became what he did, whenever we had an argument. It was like he had one personality for the rest of the world, and one which he kept for when he got home – that was the one who beat me and kicked me in the stomach.'
Many woman who experience domestic violence are afraid to speak out about what they're suffering because they think it's their fault, or are too ashamed of what's happened to them to admit it. 'I was so frightened of my boyfriend,' says Amy, 20. 'If we had the slightest disagreement, he'd turn on me, out of the blue, and attack me, really punching and slapping, and then say, look what you've made me do to you. I'd go round my friend's house and sit in her kitchen and cry because I was so frightened of him, but I never dared tell her what he'd done. I just used to say I was depressed about our relationship. I couldn't tell anyone what was happening. I was terrified that if he found out I'd said anything behind his back, he'd attack me again, but I was also worried that she'd think – like I did – that it was somehow my fault.'
afraid to speak out
Amy is not alone; two out of three women who suffer domestic violence don't tell family, friends or the authorities about it. Research has shown that side-effects of domestic violence include feelings of low self-esteem, hopelessness about ending the violence and, at their most intense, severe depression and suicidal tendencies.
There are safe spaces for women who want to leave a situation where domestic violence is involved. There are over 250 refuges in the UK, and a woman who chooses to go to one can move as far away as she wants from the man who is abusing her. The first step towards escaping violence is to call a helpline that will immediately put the wheels in motion.
'A woman who is being abused should ring a domestic violence helpline,' says a spokeswoman for Refuge, an organisation which provides refuge accommodation for women in the UK. 'Someone will listen to her, and talk her through the options. In our refuges, people can stay as long as they need, and bring their children if they have any. Addresses are kept secret, and we don't allow any men to come to our refuges. The place has to feel safe.'
But what if a young man were to be fleeing violence? 'He should call the helpline, who would be able to help and advise him,' says the spokeswoman.
In a refuge, the women have their own rooms, and share kitchens and bathrooms with other women who have been in the same boat. 'We get women as young as 17,' the spokeswoman for Refuge continues. 'Some young women come because of family violence, either from brothers or parents, or because they've been abused by their boyfriend. And we get women from a wide range of backgrounds.'
hard habit to break
Often, women go back to the man who treats them violently. 'A woman will leave several times – up to seven – before she leaves for good. Young women especially may have very mixed feelings – they may still love the person who has battered them.'
The first thing a woman who is suffering violence at home should do, advises the spokeswoman, is talk to somebody. 'If they keep what's happening to themselves, it stops them getting the help they need. It's important that women know that they can go to the police for advice – they don't have to press charges. They'll be put in touch with a refuge helpline or group, and that's where the real support and information will come from. They'll get help – and they'll realise it's not just them. One in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. They're not alone.'
help and info
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organisations
Refuge
4th Floor, International House
1 St Katharine's Way
London E1W 1UN
Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (24 hours, every day)
E-mail: info@refuge.org.uk
Website: www.refuge.org.uk
Provides counselling, support and welfare rights for women and children escaping domestic violence as well as accommodation and refuge.
Women's Aid
PO Box 391
Bristol BS99 7WS
Domestic Violence Helpline: 0808 2000 247 (24 hours)
E-mail: helpline@womensaid.org.uk
Website: www.womensaid.org.uk
The National Domestic Violence Helpline provides confidential support,
help and information to anyone experiencing (or who has experienced) physical,
emotional or sexual violence in the home. Helpline staff can explain support
options available to you and, where necessary, refer you to a refuge,
a local Women's Aid group or other sources of help and information. You
do not need to be in an emergency situation to contact Women's Aid.
Men As Survivors Helpline (MASH)
Box 58
82 Colston Street
Bristol BS1 5BB
Helpline: 0117 90 77 100 (Thurs 7-9pm)
Website: www.mash-online.co.uk
MASH provides a free telephone counselling service for men who have experienced
any form of sexual abuse or sexual violence at any time in their lives.
The helpline is staffed by trained male and female counsellors skilled
in supporting men who are coming to terms with their experiences.
Missing People
Missing Persons Helpline: 0500 700 700 (Free and confidential and open 24 hours a day, every day)
Irish Republic Helpline: 00 800 7000 7001
Runaway Helpline: 0808 800 70 70 (for those under 18 who have run away)
Message Home Helpline: 0800 700 740 (for those wanting to send a message home)
E-mail: messagehome@missingpeople.org.uk
Website: http://www.missingpeople.org.uk
Confidential freephone helplines for anyone who has left home or run away, to let someone know they are safe and to get confidential help and advice. Also for people seeking someone who they fear has runaway. Women escaping domestic violence can use this service without having to give details of where they are.
Rape Crisis England and Wales
Helplines: individual helpline numbers listed by region on the website
E-mail: info@rapecrisis.org.uk (please check the website for the information you need before e-mailing)
Website: www.rapecrisis.org.uk
This website aims to provide the basic information that survivors of sexual violence, friends and family need to access the services they need. For details of rape crisis groups check the 'Centres' page.
For information on the Scottish office go to: www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk.
Respect
1st Floor Downstream Building
1 London Bridge
London SE1 9BG
Tel: 020 7022 1801
Respect Phoneline: 0845 122 8609 (open Mon, Tues, Wed and Fri 10am-1pm and 2pm-5pm)
Textphone: 07624 818 326 (for text messages only)
E-mail: info@respect.uk.net
Website: www.respect.uk.net
Respect is a registered charity and national membership organisation promoting best practice for domestic violence perpetrator programmes and associated support services in the UK.
Rights of Women
52-54 Featherstone Street
London, EC1Y 8RT
Advice Line: 020 7251 6577 (Tues-Thurs 2-4pm and 7-9pm; Fri 12-2pm)
Sexual Violence Legal Advice Line: 020 7251 8887
Text phone: 020 7490 2562
E-mail: info@row.org.uk
Website: www.rightsofwomen.org.uk
A women's voluntary organisation committed to informing, educating and empowering women about their legal rights. Offers free, confidential legal advice on divorce and relationship breakdown, children and contact issues, domestic violence, sexual violence, discrimination and lesbian parenting. Information sheets can also be downloaded free from the website.
Shelter
88 Old Street
London EC1V 9HU
Shelterline: 0808 800 4444 (8am-8pm every day)
E-mail: info@shelter.org.uk
Website: www.shelternet.org.uk
A national organisation working to improve the lives of homeless and badly housed people. Shelter offers free, professional and independent advice to anyone with a housing problem. Shelterline advisors will discuss your rights, explain your options and help you take action. The Shelter website provides information and advice on housing issues such as renting, rights and homelessness.
Samaritans
c/o Chris
PO Box 90 90
Stirling FK8 2SA
Helpline: 08457 90 90 90 (24 hours)
E-mail: jo@samaritans.org
Website: www.samaritans.org.uk
The Samaritans exists to provide confidential emotional support to any person, irrespective of race, creed, age or status who is in emotional distress or at risk of suicide; 24 hours a day. Can be contacted by e-mail, telephone, writing, or by visiting one of over 200 local branches (details are on the website).
SOLA (Survivors of Lesbian Abuse)
Tel: 020 7328 7389 ask for SOLA (Mon-Fri 10.30am-1pm, 2.30-4.30pm)
E-mail: solalondon@hotmail.com
Support for any woman who has experienced abuse (past or present) from a female partner. E-mail support is available, and evening phone appointments are available by arrangement. Also have a weekly support group for survivors of rape (women only). Broken Rainbow Forum, www.broken-rainbow.org.uk; tel: 08452 604460, is a hotline for lesbians, gay men, bisexual and transgendered people who have experienced violence from partners, family or friends. Line is open Mon 2pm-8pm; Wed 10am-1pm; Thurs 2pm-8pm.
Victim Support
Victim Supportline: 0845 30 30 900 (Mon-Fri 9am-9pm; Sat-Sun 9am-7pm, Bank Holidays 9am-5pm)
E-mail: supportline@victimsupport.org.uk
Website: www.victimsupport.org
Confidential support and advice to anyone affected by a crime, no matter how long ago it happened. The informative website features facts and guidance on the help available for victims of crime, and you can find details of your local branch. The minicom is currently unavailable (since May 2008) but a new number will be up soon so keep checking the website for details.
Wales Domestic Abuse Helpline
PO Box 82
Caernarfon LL54 6ZH
24 Hour Free Helpline: 0808 80 10 800
E-mail: info@wdah.org
Website: www.wdah.org
The national free support and information service for women, children and men in Wales who are experiencing or who have experienced abuse at the hands of someone close to them. The website is in Welsh as well as English.
Change
4-6 South Lumley Street
Grangemouth
Stirlingshire
Scotland FK3 8BT
Tel: 01324 485595
E-mail: susan@changeweb.org.uk
Website: www.changeweb.org.uk
Change offers a programme of re-education for violent men which aims to take full account of the interests of women and children.
The Everyman Project
1A Waterloo Road
Archway
London N19 5NJ
Helpline: 020 7263 8884 (Mon 10am-2pm, Tues 10am-3pm, Wed and Thurs 10am-5pm)
E-mail: everymanproject@btopenworld.com
Website: www.everymanproject.co.uk
A voluntary organisation based in London which offers a range of support services for men who want to stop behaving violently or abusively. These include a focused brief counselling programme and telephone helpline that offers information, advice and counselling to men who are concerned about their violence or abuse and to people affected by a man's violence or abuse.
websites
Campaign Against Domestic Violence
www.cadv.org.uk
Aims to increase awareness of domestic violence, campaign for legal change, and improve facilities and services for women who are experiencing or have experienced domestic violence.
Domestic violence ... are you a victim?
www.family2000.org.uk/domestic_violence.htm
Written by a British psychotherapist, this site offers support for parents and grandparents on issues that affect families, including an article on domestic violence.
Department for Constitutional Affairs (DCA)
www.dca.gov.uk/family/famfr7.htm
Information on the Government's work on proposals for tougher legislation to protect the victims of domestic violence and increase support for victims.
The Hideout
www.thehideout.org.uk
Provides help, information and support for children and young people currently living with or who used to live with violence. It's also a place to go if you know someone else going through it and you want to get some information.
MenWeb
www.menweb.org
Facts and myths about domestic violence.
Plans to Reform Murder Laws
www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2008/jul/29/justice.ukcrime
New laws will mean that men, previously able to justify murdering their spouse for reasons such as 'infidelity' will no longer be able to use this defence. These reforms will have ramifications for victims of domestic violence, as long-term sufferers will no longer be sentenced as harshly if they retaliate.
Two Women Killed Each Week
www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2008/jul/02/ukcrime.women
Article highlighting the significant number of violent men murdering and abusing large numbers of women in the UK and elsewhere.
Zero Tolerance Charitable Trust
www.zerotolerance.org.uk
An independent charity that campaigns for the prevention of male violence against women and children. Also works with a range of agencies to promote innovative policy and best practice that target the root causes of male violence.
reading
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Breaking Free from Partner Abuse: Voices of Battered Women Caught in the Cycle of Domestic Violence by Mary Marecek (Independent Publishers Group, 1999) |
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Preventing Violence in Relationships: A Programme for Men Who Feel They Have a Problem with Their Use of Controlling and Violent Behaviour by Gerry Heery (Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2000) |
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Getting Out: Life stories of women who left abusive men by Ann Goetting and Caroline Jory (Vision Paperbacks, 2000) |
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Power and Control by Sandra Horley (Vermilion, 2002) |
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(updated March 2003, resources updated August 2008)
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