Latest features Drinks to make your nan blush

Cocktails - The classics

Date Published:

13/06/2008

The early 1980s was a boom period for the British cocktail industry with droves of city slickers flocking to the bar as eager for a Brain Haemorrhage as they were a Screaming Orgasm

From the shaken not stirred Martinis poured out to wannabe Bonds to the fluorescent Pina Coladas in the backstreet boozers of Peckham, everyone dreamt of drinks that matched their eye shadow – even the men. Now as the new millennium trundles on in all its understated glory, you're more likely to find a subtly scented vanilla pod adorning the side of your glass than the half a kiwi fruit of old.

The likes of Sex and the City's Carrie and Samantha can't help but quaff a bellyful of Bellinis every time they hit the bars, but they're unlikely to ask for an Elbow in the Boobs - and I, for one, think that's a shame.

In celebration of the overlooked genius that once went into naming the nation's cocktails here's 4Food's pick of the best named beverages you should never order in front of your nan.

Screaming Orgasm

Not one to order when buying a big round as you'll sound greedy and unrealistic, expecting more than a couple in one night. The creamy mix of Kahlua, vodka and Irish cream has a high risk of curdling - an effect that's sure to put a dampener on any erotic liaison.

Long slow comfortable screw up against the wall

As a rule any drink that's made up of more than 12 syllables is just plain silly, especially one with such a conflicting title. After drinking a heady concoction of sloe gin, vodka, Southern Comfort and Galliano you're unlikely to find slumping against a wall particularly comfortable - particularly if someone's attempting to be amorous with you and taking their time about it.

Sex on the Beach

The 18-30 holidaymakers' drink of choice is made up of peach schnapps, vodka and a variety of fruit juices and often doled out free to tourists in the less salubrious parts of the Spanish coast. Like its title suggests, it's an exotic idea that'll probably end messy and should only be sampled when on holiday. The police in Great Yarmouth don't look kindly on that sort of thing.

Brain Haemorrhage

To be honest, the lure of this one escapes me: Baileys with strawberry schnapps and grenadine, presumably titled because it resembles the assumed aesthetic of a scrambled brain. Sounds delicious. Also, there's something a little macabre about requesting a life-threatening illness on a jaunt out with your mates.

Knicker Dropper Glory

Somehow today's less sheltered modern age makes this tipple sound less cute and cuddly than it did before, but the ambitious blend of vodka, orange juice, triple sec, crème de banana and tequila used to be a drink of choice among the nation's party goers.

Hairy Navel

It's a puzzle where this one got its name as there's nothing that hairy about peach schnapps, vodka and orange juice - presuming you don't drink too many of them. But watching bikini clad lovelies, waxed, creamed and plucked, willingly requesting a bellyful of fluff always raises a smile.

Elbow in the Boobs

My favourite by miles. A mixture of rum, Cointreau, Martini extra dry, Martini Rosso and lemon juice all finished off with a cherry on top. It certainly tastes delicious and carries less sexual innuendo than some of the others, sparing your blushes at the bar. Just make sure the person standing next to you doesn't think you're talking to them when you make your request.