Obsessed Review

If this movie were a perfume, its advertising tagline would read: "When The Hand That Rocks The Cradle belongs to The Temp who's locked in a Fatal Attraction while Playing Misty For Me... that's Obsessed." Actually, if Obsessed were a perfume, it would ming like happy hour at a squids' brothel. This atrocious, and atrociously derivative affair is not only an early contender for worst film of 2009, it effectively lowers the bar for every subsequent motion picture. Way to go Beyoncé, and executive producer, Beyoncé's dad. Charlie, how your Angels get down like that.

The former Destiny's Child siren plays Sharon Charles, perfect mother to perfect toddler Kyle (Nathan and Nicolas Myers) and perfect wife to perfect executive husband Derek ('The Wire's' Idris Elba). They all live in a perfectly big house with an imperfect attic, whose floor is as paper-thin as the plot. It is vital that this fact is brutally signposted from the get-go, along with every other 'development', so that we won't be surprised if anybody happens to plunge through the ceiling later. Obsessed doesn't want to surprise you, disturb you with logic or make you think about stuff. It's a 12A, after all. There might be lawsuits.

Into Knowles' House Party comes Lisa Sheridan (Ali Larter), a temp ("I think you mean 'temp-tress!'" swoons Derek's office colleague) who moves like an out-of-control slinky, possesses a set of manicured gnashers that enter the room before she does, and who trails a distinct whiff of fricasseed rabbit in her wake. Before the first five minutes are up, she's zeroed-in on Del Boy like a sap-seeking warhead ("I think you'll find I'm not your typical temp!").

Forging an alliance with the offensively-stereotyped gay receptionist ("Let's grab a bit of girl-talk over a 'Cosmo'!"), she soon wheedles enough info out of him to enable her to properly stalk her prey; ordering Derek 'dirty martinis' ("Make them filthy!" she orders the barman), emailing him sexy photos of herself, drugging and raping him in his hotel room (in a bizarre episode that recalls the impregnation scene from Rosemary's Baby), abducting his little boy, and trying to do away with his wife. In the attic with the dodgy floor. Clearly, asking your mate to inform someone you fancy them at the disco was so 1983.