Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience Review

Hot on the huge red heels of Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus: Best Of Both Worlds Concert, another joylessly choreographed gig from Disney's stable of pop stars; so squeaky-clean they probably leave their internal organs soaking in buckets of Persil overnight. Nick, Kevin and Joe Jonas are the kind of all-American, all-processed poppets comedian Bill Hicks would have torn into like a school of piranha were he still alive. That job fell to Russell Brand, who mocked their no-sex-before-marriage 'Purity Rings' at 2008's MTV Video Music Awards. Yet instead of being forced to apologise, Brand should have been paid off by Disney for raising the band's profile.

For squillions of kids, however, the Little Christians That Could are already Olympus-sized. This becomes immediately apparent the moment we and our 3D glasses float, as if borne on angels' backs, into New York City's Madison Square Garden. Here, 20,000 screaming tweens waggle their glowsticks like pregnancy testers at the preening boy-men who emerge to bombastic strings and spurting sheets of flame. It's like Triumph Of The Will for under-12s. And everywhere you look, hydraulics. Hydraulic platforms to elevate the brothers to the vertiginous level of ascetic monks, literally looking down on their fans; hydraulics to pucker their cyborg lips, offering the promise of a chaste, metallic-tasting kiss.

At various junctures, songs occur; as substantial as farts in a wind tunnel. At one point a baby gazelle with perfect hair called Demi Lovato nearly blows them off stage with her superior number, before being chased away again. Jonas songs are accompanied by a fey, second-hand gesture from lead vocalist Joe in which he clenches his thighs together and raises one knee, as if frantic for a pee. Stage-moves as old as pop, courting reactions older than pop, from hormonal girls expertly shaken up like soda bottles, until diverted at the pass to explode their passions into waiting cash registers.