Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen Review

You can say what you like about Michael Bay's original Transformers. You can say it was dreadfully written. You can say it was horribly acted. You can say it was bogged down by bog-standard CGI. You can say it was little more than a series of explosions, each with less impact than the one before. And you'd be right. But you could never say it was quiet. Heck, it was so loud, you could stick the famously deaf Ludwig Van Beethoven in a concrete bunker a mile away from the nearest cinema and he'd still be gassing about the impressive use of Dolby Surround.

Now, with Transformers: The Revenge Of The Fallen, Michael Bay unleashes an even louder film. Just wait until the little lad's fly hits the water during the Dreamworks ident - if you don't have your ears covered and your mouth open, your ear drums'll burst.

Revenge Of The Fallen isn't only louder than Transformers, however. It's longer, it's more explosive, it's more directionless, it's all the proof you'll ever need that more really isn't always more. That it's slightly - only slightly - better than part one is solely due to the fact that the money's clearly up on screen. But by the time the umpteenth building is demolished by a stray Decepticon boot, you'll find yourself amazed at how little (an estimated) $200 million buys you these days.

Not that it's of any great interest, but the Revenge Of The Fallen plot involves resurgent Decepticons trying to destroy the Sun. This sounds like the most unimaginably terrible of catastrophes, but after 147 minutes in the company Megan Fox (who seems to straddle everything that enters her personal space) and Shia LaBeouf (apparently programmed to get under your skin), you'll be more than a little interested to see what shape such a disaster might assume. Oh and did we mention that the weapon capable of causing a permanent eclipse is buried beneath the Great Pyramid of Cheops? Oh well, it's not that important - at least not compared to shifting as many toys and computer games as possible before the next big thing hits the theatres.

From the nausea provoked by the 'in association with Hasbro' credit to the ending that all but ensures future Transformers adventures, Revenge Of The Fallen provokes cynicism because it's so clearly a cynical exercise. By their very nature, modern blockbusters have to tick certain boxes, but they don't have to be as bland and witless as this. Moronic dialogue ("We got a whole bunch of fight coming our way!"), vile Stepin Fetchit-style skits - it'd be unforgiveable if it weren't for Bay set-pieces such as his imaginative destruction of an aircraft carrier.

There is, however, one scene that says a lot about the movie, the filmmaker and the film's intended audience. During a kick-up on a university campus, a Decepticon storms a library and incinerates the classics of literature. No doubt some might say it's silly to seize on a moment like this, but Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen is a picture whose achievements are so limited, you have to wheel-out a microscope to uncover them. And, my, if the details don't reveal a devilish degree of contempt for anyone who'd rather read a book than hang out with their console or devour a Whopper.