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5. House Of Wax
Hotel chain heiress turned acting wannabe Paris Hilton has become the over-privileged Barbie babe every celeb-watcher loves to hate. So it's apt that Warner Bros chose to promote this remake of 1953's House Of Wax with T-shirts bearing the slogan "See Paris Die".
Hilton portrays the token slut in a stereotyped group of six foolish young adults who embark on a weekend road trip and, thanks to indulging in pre-marital sex, breaking and entering and accepting lifts from weirdos, wind up slaughtered. Yawn.
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Hotel chain heiress turned acting wannabe Paris Hilton has become the over-privileged Barbie babe every celeb-watcher loves to hate. So it's apt that Warner Bros chose to promote this remake of 1953's House Of Wax with T-shirts bearing the slogan "See Paris Die".
Hilton portrays the token slut in a stereotyped group of six foolish young adults who embark on a weekend road trip and, thanks to indulging in pre-marital sex, breaking and entering and accepting lifts from weirdos, wind up slaughtered. Yawn.
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4. Ocean's Twelve
Three words sum up Ocean's Twelve: smug, smug, smug. While Steven Soderbergh's 2001 remake of Ocean's Eleven was a a fine, classy caper, one of the best of its genre - an engaging, snappy update of the 1960s vanity project of Frank Sinatra and pals - this follow-up isn't in the same league.
There's a story buried in there somewhere, about Andy Garcia's crooked casino boss demanding payback, but at points this is little more than the video of George, Brad, Julia, Catherine et al's summer holiday in Europe. What a waste.
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Three words sum up Ocean's Twelve: smug, smug, smug. While Steven Soderbergh's 2001 remake of Ocean's Eleven was a a fine, classy caper, one of the best of its genre - an engaging, snappy update of the 1960s vanity project of Frank Sinatra and pals - this follow-up isn't in the same league.
There's a story buried in there somewhere, about Andy Garcia's crooked casino boss demanding payback, but at points this is little more than the video of George, Brad, Julia, Catherine et al's summer holiday in Europe. What a waste.
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3. XXX2: The Next Level
xXx2 is a film so bad, those involved seem incapable of hiding their embarrassment. As such, the sequel should manage what the first movie inexplicably failed to do - namely kill the franchise stone dead.
Ice Cube is abysmal as the man selected to save the day, and Samuel L Jackson sports the expression of a man who can't wait to get off the set and talk at length about contractual obligation with his lawyer. A piss-poor joke of a motion picture.
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xXx2 is a film so bad, those involved seem incapable of hiding their embarrassment. As such, the sequel should manage what the first movie inexplicably failed to do - namely kill the franchise stone dead.
Ice Cube is abysmal as the man selected to save the day, and Samuel L Jackson sports the expression of a man who can't wait to get off the set and talk at length about contractual obligation with his lawyer. A piss-poor joke of a motion picture.
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2. The Dukes Of Hazzard
From one crap remake to another. This one features the 'talents' of Seann William Scott, Johnny Knoxville and Jessica Simpson's pneumatic charms.
The script is as shoddily constructed as a matchstick outhouse, but then again, the cursory plot is just a ramshackle engine to get the boys' real motor running in a series of admittedly well-edited car chases. Frankly, even if you are an American afficionado of the original, there's little here to get to you revved up.
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From one crap remake to another. This one features the 'talents' of Seann William Scott, Johnny Knoxville and Jessica Simpson's pneumatic charms.
The script is as shoddily constructed as a matchstick outhouse, but then again, the cursory plot is just a ramshackle engine to get the boys' real motor running in a series of admittedly well-edited car chases. Frankly, even if you are an American afficionado of the original, there's little here to get to you revved up.
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1. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge Of The Sith
Star Wars Revenge Of The Sith represents crucial closure for a particular wing of the thirtysomething generation, but after the pain and misery of the first two instalments, did Lucas manage to harness the Force? Well, no. Revenge Of The Sith is not just a bad movie. It is a video game you cannot play. It is a self-indulgent waddle through its own mythology.
Strip away the over-elaborate battle scenes and fiddly special effects and you are left with amateur dramatics, a script made of lead and all plot eventualities pre-ordained by the fact that these are prequels - we already know how this film turns out and no one at Lucasfilm had the wit to make the journey interesting.
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Star Wars Revenge Of The Sith represents crucial closure for a particular wing of the thirtysomething generation, but after the pain and misery of the first two instalments, did Lucas manage to harness the Force? Well, no. Revenge Of The Sith is not just a bad movie. It is a video game you cannot play. It is a self-indulgent waddle through its own mythology.
Strip away the over-elaborate battle scenes and fiddly special effects and you are left with amateur dramatics, a script made of lead and all plot eventualities pre-ordained by the fact that these are prequels - we already know how this film turns out and no one at Lucasfilm had the wit to make the journey interesting.
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