The Script

Chase: Private Parts?
Green: Sir, yes, sir!

Chase: Oh, there you are. Ow! Jesus.
Green: Sorry, General Nuisance, sir!

Chase: It is not General Nuisance,
it is General Nuis-sance!

Green: Sir, yes, sir!

Chase: What's the matter with you?

Chase: What have we got lined up for today?

Green: Sir, the Chowdrays are here, sir.
Chase: The what? The Chow... What?

Green: They arrived from England yesterday.
Chase: The Chowdrays?

Green: Sir, they arrived from the airport
Green: in a hire car.

Chase: A hire car?
Green: Sir, yes, sir. They insisted.

Green: They said, "It was all part of the package
deal from Thomas Cook's," sir!
Chase: Is that the way they said it?
Green: Precisely, sir!

Chase: Hoorah! Well, bring 'em in.

Green: Sir, yes, sir!

Gunair: Just point it away, please.
Gulati: Point it down.

Green: Move, move, move! Move, move, move,
move, move, move, move! Move!

Gulati: Are you the manager?
Chase: Manager?

Chase: No, I am General Nuis-sance.

Gulati: We wish to make a big complaint.
Chase: Complaint?

Gulati: When we booked our chalet,
we asked for a room with a sea view,

Gulati: a king-sized bed
and an en-suite bathroom.

Gulati: But what do we get given?

Gulati: A room with no windows...
Chase: Ahh.

Gulati: ..a plank of wood to sleep on...
Chase: Hmm.

Gulati: ..and a bucket to pee in!
Chase: They got a bucket?

Gunair: This is not what we were led to expect
in the brochure.

Chase: Do we have a brochure?
Green: We did.

Gulati: But this one flushed it down the toilet.
Green: Discarded it in the latrine, sir!
Chase: I know what a toilet is, Private Parts.

Chase: Hoorah!
Green: Hoorah!

Gulati: And secondly,

Gulati: where is the entertainment
we were promised?

Gulati: There's no knobbly-knees competition.
Chase: Hmm.

Gulati: And no karaoke.

Gunair: You know, I had my gonads strapped
to an electric toaster.
Chase: My pleasure.

Gulati: Where is the Shane Richie concert
we were promised?

Chase: There are some parts of the Geneva
Convention that we will not break.

Gulati: Darling, tell him.
Ms Chowdry: Huh?

Gulati: Tell him! Tell him about the flight!
Gunair: Oh, yes, the flight, the flight!

Gunair: We were strapped to the chair,
chained to the chair

Gunair: with...with gag in the mouth

Gunair: and then we had no food or water for nine hours!

Gulati: That is the last time we fly easyJet.
Chase: Ahh.

Chase: Listen...
Gulati: No, you listen!

Gulati: This is not what we expect
from a holiday resort!

Chase: This is not a holiday resort.
Gunair: You're telling me, buddy!

Gunair: I mean, this morning we had to share
a shower with 50 men!

Gulati: Actually, I didn't mind that so much.

Chase: Hoorah.
Green: Hoorah.

Chase: Ah, Guantanamo Bay
is not a vacation resort,

Chase: although that's not a bad idea.

Chase: Make a note of that, will you, Private?
Green: Note taken, sir!

Gunair: Guantanamono Bay?

Chase: Huh?
Gunair: Guantanamono Bay?

Chase: It's not Guantanamono Bay, it's...

Gulati: Guantanamono Bay?!
Chase: Guantanamo Bay!

Gunair: Guantanamono...
I told you this wasn't Disneyland!

Gulati: Ari, I saw Mickey Mouse.

Green: No mice on the premises, ma'am, only rats!

Chase: Guantanamo Bay is not a holiday resort.

Chase: It is a detention centre
run by the United States.

Gunair: You can't just bring people here
on trumped-up charges

Gunair: with no evidence and no recourse to the law!

Chase: Yes, we can.
Green: It's kind of our thing, sir!

Chase: Yes, it's part of our thing. Hoorah!
Green: Part of our thing! Hoorah!

Chase: Hoorah!
Green: Hoorah!

Gulati: All right!

Gulati: You can, but you really, really,
really, really shouldn't.

Chase: Seems to have been quite a mix-up.
I'm very sorry to have ruined your holiday.

Chase: How about if Uncle Sam were to pay
for first-class tickets back home?

Chase: And we were to give you oh...a motel room
for the night while you're waiting.

Chase: And we could take a few snapshots.
Kind of a memento of your stay here.

Chase: With you and Private Parts.
Mrs & Gunair: (Both) Ahhh!

Chase: All right, let's do that.
Green: Standard holiday photo pose, sir?

Chase & Green: (Both) Hoorah!
Mrs & Gunair: Hi-de-hi!

Chase: OK.

Gulati: Right, OK.
Chase: There we go.

Gunair: This is nice!

Gunair: OK.

Chase: All right, smiles all around.

Chase: Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
Don't wanna forget the Mickey Mouse ears.

Green: Your Mickey Mouse ears, ma'am!
Gulati: Oh, delightful.

Chase: Your Mickey Mouse ears, sir!
Gunair: Thank you very much.

Green: Get you into the festive spirit.
Chase: Smile.

Chase: How do you say "cheese" in terrorist?

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