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Tim Moore
Travel writer, Donkey-tamer and scourge of Eurovision's worst entrants, Tim Moore is one of the funniest travel writers around.
Not for him boutique hotels and sun-dappled beaches. He's cycled the route of the Tour De France, travelled around Europe in a knackered Roller, traced the Monopoly board around the streets of London, and is seemingly the tightest man in Europe. His most recent book tracked down those Eurovision entries who garnered the fabled score of Nul Points, and he took time out from being bullied by quadrapeds to explain how searching for porn in his dad's drawers has led him to becoming the funniest travel writer since... well, forever.So Tim, surely your job is just an excuse to swan off on holiday, and then write about it?
Yes. Yes it is. All I can say in my defence is that because luxurious hotels and so on don't make entertaining copy, I tend to get sent on really awful holidays. The most recent involved going to Sweden for a week with my 10-year-old daughter, in order to build a log raft and sail it down a river. It rained as if God had forgotten how to make it stop, and we lived off cold Dolmio straight from the jar. Book early!
Yes. Yes it is. All I can say in my defence is that because luxurious hotels and so on don't make entertaining copy, I tend to get sent on really awful holidays. The most recent involved going to Sweden for a week with my 10-year-old daughter, in order to build a log raft and sail it down a river. It rained as if God had forgotten how to make it stop, and we lived off cold Dolmio straight from the jar. Book early!
How do you go from sitting on the sofa to sailing a log raft in Sweden?
I was cat-sitting for my parents, wondering how I'd just acquired a degree in Business Studies, and what I could do to avoid any career that might seek to exploit it. One afternoon, rooting around for porn in my dad's desk, I found a drawer full of stamps and a directory with the address of every consumer publication in Britain. So I sat down and wrote some insufferably pompous Punch-style 'humorous think piece', and posted it off to everyone from Angling Times onwards. I only had one reply, from a long defunct music magazine called Record Mirror. A couple of months later they published a column headed 'Don't Answer That Door - It's T.S.P Moore.' I'd like to pretend the initials were their idea. I think my debut largely involved taking the piss out of that bloke in the Gold Blend ads, who went on to make his millions in Buffy. The very hardest of hard targets. The bloke who commissioned me later threw himself off Beachy Head...
I was cat-sitting for my parents, wondering how I'd just acquired a degree in Business Studies, and what I could do to avoid any career that might seek to exploit it. One afternoon, rooting around for porn in my dad's desk, I found a drawer full of stamps and a directory with the address of every consumer publication in Britain. So I sat down and wrote some insufferably pompous Punch-style 'humorous think piece', and posted it off to everyone from Angling Times onwards. I only had one reply, from a long defunct music magazine called Record Mirror. A couple of months later they published a column headed 'Don't Answer That Door - It's T.S.P Moore.' I'd like to pretend the initials were their idea. I think my debut largely involved taking the piss out of that bloke in the Gold Blend ads, who went on to make his millions in Buffy. The very hardest of hard targets. The bloke who commissioned me later threw himself off Beachy Head...
Did you really start [cult Teletext page]Digitiser?
A daily games mag on Teletext was Paul Rose's idea - he was doing their graphics when I started as some sort of journalist. The two of us organised everything and worked together for three years. Though when I say 'organised', I mean moved a big telly into our corner of the office and plugged a MegaDrive in it. And when I say 'worked', I mean played MicroMachines, made crank phone calls, and threw bits of our lunch at the sub editors. Every Friday the boss used to give us 20 quid out of petty cash to take up to town for 'arcade research'. The most eloquent encapsulation of that era is that I always found myself accidentally referring to work as 'school'.
A daily games mag on Teletext was Paul Rose's idea - he was doing their graphics when I started as some sort of journalist. The two of us organised everything and worked together for three years. Though when I say 'organised', I mean moved a big telly into our corner of the office and plugged a MegaDrive in it. And when I say 'worked', I mean played MicroMachines, made crank phone calls, and threw bits of our lunch at the sub editors. Every Friday the boss used to give us 20 quid out of petty cash to take up to town for 'arcade research'. The most eloquent encapsulation of that era is that I always found myself accidentally referring to work as 'school'.
Have the expenses got better since then?
Regrettably, publishers don't pay expenses. You're given an advance to write a book, and everything that's spent researching it has to come out of that. It's therefore in my interests to spend as little as possible on a trip. Buying a Rolls-Royce to drive to Venice and back was a bit of a choker, though I did get my money's worth by sleeping in it a lot, and selling it on for a profit (if we ignore that £2,000 service).
Regrettably, publishers don't pay expenses. You're given an advance to write a book, and everything that's spent researching it has to come out of that. It's therefore in my interests to spend as little as possible on a trip. Buying a Rolls-Royce to drive to Venice and back was a bit of a choker, though I did get my money's worth by sleeping in it a lot, and selling it on for a profit (if we ignore that £2,000 service).
How do you come up with the ideas for the trips?
Naked, and in tears. Oh, I dunno. When I'm off on a trip, I'll scribble things down during the day, and write notes up in the evening. The bulk of a book or article is more or less written up in advance.
Naked, and in tears. Oh, I dunno. When I'm off on a trip, I'll scribble things down during the day, and write notes up in the evening. The bulk of a book or article is more or less written up in advance.
Which has been your favourite to write so far?
With the careless enthusiasm of a first-timer, I dashed off Frost on my Moustache in a couple of months. The Tour de France book flowed easily enough, and the donkey one. The common denominator is that all were accounts of a single, stupid quest. I think the most fun I've had journalis-wise was one of my first commissions: endeavouring to enjoy a week in Malta on a budget of £100. After flights and hotel I was left with £11, yet I came home two quid to the good. It was great. I even got drunk once. No wonder people really hate going on holiday with me.
And which has been the hardest?
Nul Points, a book I normally refer to with a popular expletive inserted in the middle. With the Wogan-fuelled arrogance of the British Eurovision watcher, I somehow failed to anticipate that being utterly humiliated in front of 500 million viewers might not have a funny side. One Norwegian performer I went to visit in Thailand almost attacked me.
Next: Nul Points
With the careless enthusiasm of a first-timer, I dashed off Frost on my Moustache in a couple of months. The Tour de France book flowed easily enough, and the donkey one. The common denominator is that all were accounts of a single, stupid quest. I think the most fun I've had journalis-wise was one of my first commissions: endeavouring to enjoy a week in Malta on a budget of £100. After flights and hotel I was left with £11, yet I came home two quid to the good. It was great. I even got drunk once. No wonder people really hate going on holiday with me.
And which has been the hardest?
Nul Points, a book I normally refer to with a popular expletive inserted in the middle. With the Wogan-fuelled arrogance of the British Eurovision watcher, I somehow failed to anticipate that being utterly humiliated in front of 500 million viewers might not have a funny side. One Norwegian performer I went to visit in Thailand almost attacked me.
Next: Nul Points
