Body Talk

Sex

Body language is everything where sex is concerned. Getting it right is the difference between getting it on and not getting any. From the first crucial impression, through the courting ritual and well into marriage, the secrets of sex are all in the tells. If you make the right moves and read the right signs the course of true love should run rather more smoothly.

We are inclined to think that being sexually attractive is all to do with appearances. In the first instance it almost certainly is, but this is not necessarily down to whether you are wearing the right colour nail varnish or the latest Ben Sherman shirt.

Me and you

Men across all cultures are programmed to seek healthy young females with whom to breed. They like shapely figures, clear skin and youthfulness. In response to men's predilections women therefore tend to emphasise the secondary sexual characteristics that define them as feminine and ready to reproduce. This includes emphasising their long legs (echoing the growth-spurt thing that turns girls into Bambi during puberty), firm breasts, full lips, and soft, shiny hair (the privilege of the young and healthy). So stiletto heels, push-up bras, lipstick and hairspray are an intuitively successful formula in nightclubs up and down the country.

You and me

Women also want a healthy partner with whom to breed but they're looking for a little something extra. Aside from high testosterone indicators like a broad chest and a deep voice, women like signs of stability that promise a safe environment for their children. Boys' toys (iPods, bachelor pads, private jets) do just the job, signifying the security of wealth to pragmatic mothers-to-be.

Opening moves

Men are traditionally considered the players in the mating game, with chat-up lines, suave invitations to dinner, and wooing with flowers viewed as typical masculine opening moves. However, research has revealed that it is actually women who initiate sexual encounters. By signing their interest and approachability, often unconsciously, they encourage men to make what has previously been considered the 'first' move.

'The woman at the bar saw him come in. Later he caught her looking at him. She looked away, not quite immediately. Then she glanced back once, and then once again. In the moment that their eyes met across the crowded room she widened hers at him, before turning her back. He continued to observe her as she flicked her hair and shifted in her seat, arching her back as if to make herself more comfortable.'

A bad Mills & Boon novel? Potentially. A come-hither? Absolutely. And most women use some if not all of these tells to show men they are interested - but they may not even realise they are doing it!

In fact, psychologists have observed that sending out these approachability signals is a more effective way of meeting a man than simply by being good-looking! Of course, being gorgeous and giving out good signals works best, but if men have to choose between the two, they prefer the telling signs of availability. Men who read the signs right will only approach interested women, avoiding rebuffs and embarrassment and improving their prospects of further sexual success.

The rules of the game

Once men and women are together they give out many physical tells to each other, encouraging or detering, according to how the encounter is going.

Men tend to demonstrate their sexuality with displays of dominance: stretching their legs out into shared space, holding themselves at full height and using expansive gestures to create an impression of size.

Women play up their differences to men, crossing their legs to appear smaller, keeping their arms close to their body, and drawing attention to the soft, feminine parts of their body (the neck, cleavage, inner wrists and thighs) by self-touching or movement.

Each interested individual will unconsciously flatter the other by imitating their postures, leaning forward attentively, and nodding to demonstrate close attention. Women often laugh at jokes made by men they find attractive as it acknowledges their dominance.

While touching might not yet be appropriate, both sexes can reveal their physical desires in the attention they pay to other objects. For example, a woman may sensually caress the rim of her wine glass, while a man may take hold of a woman's car keys and play with them throughout the conversation.

Do not pass go

Just as there is a language of attraction there is also a language of indifference. Often it is the lower parts of the body which show this most clearly, as control over how our body communicates seems to get more difficult the further away from the face we get! A foot, once directed towards a person in interest, may twitch with impatience, or turn towards the door in anticipation of escape. Crossed arms can express hostility or indifference, as can hands in pockets. Yawning, sneering and frowning are all signs its time to take a hint and back off.

Playing for keeps

In long-term relationships many of the tells are the same as those of initial attraction. People who operate in synchrony, sitting similarly or shifting their positions in time with one another, are probably getting along well. If they walk in step, or remain physically close to each other, it is a good reflection of the intimacy of their relationship.

Failing relationships demonstrate exactly the opposite. Facing away from each other, doing opposite things, sneering and sending out other negative tells like those above, are all give-aways that something is awry.

Signs and wonders

Do a bride and groom walk in easy unison down the aisle? Do husband and wife exchange natural kisses? When a couple hold hands, does the taller person have their hand and arm to the front, or is the shorter person dominant, creating a more uncomfortable position in which by the way they hold hands, or walk, the shorter person leads? Spotting the signs of incompatibility should improve your chances of choosing the right partner, and of being prepared for the vagaries and vicissitudes of other people's love before they even know it themselves.

Cheating

Infidelity is one of the hardest of all love's twists and spotting the partner who's cheating can be even harder. Typical physical tells include a loss of attentiveness to the other partner. There is less synchronisation of body language due to one person's disinterest and distraction. Most significantly, a lack of desire for sex can mean that the cheat is getting it somewhere else.

Mistaken identity

But all these tells can have other causes too and one of the main mistakes that people make when trying to analyse tells is to take one tell in isolation rather than adding up the sum of all the tells to draw one whole conclusion. A man may well blink rapidly when he states that he is not having an affair, it might indicate that he is lying. But not if he blinks a lot the rest of the time, and not if you are standing over him with a loaded water pistol! Stress makes people's blink count increase, not lying in itself.

As with everything in the secret language, it's the whole picture that counts.

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