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If London has already taken over your neighbourhood, here are some tips for how to get along and not attract too much attention.
Eat Tunnocks caramel bars.
Smile at strangers.
Fraternise with your neighbours. Talk only to your designated friends (DFs).
Talk to DFs face-to-face. Wait until you're with another DF or in a public place and then shout at them down your mobile phone.
Drive a safe distance behind learner vehicles.
'Forcefield'. Londoners quickly learn to shut out anything disturbing or nasty from their eyeline. Frightened children, injured puppies, neighbours having heart-attacks ndash; simply sidestep and walk on. If they try to cling to you, shake them off.
Constantly spend money on inessentials: bottled water, pedicures, 3-for-2 paperbacks, bucket-sized cups of coffee ndash; that sort of thing. Buy things only for yourself, not for other people.
Wear outdoor gear indoors. Men must wear all-terrain sandals in summer.
Insist on going to just one or two favourite restaurants. Queue outside them rather than going to equally good empty ones next door.
Cram your diary full. It doesn't matter if the fixtures clash. Just be late for everything.
Sign up for courses to do yoga and learn a foreign language, but don't go.
Take out a hugely expensive health-club membership, but don't go.
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