Chat Ed : Welcome to this evening's MADE FOR EACH OTHER chat with VANESSA and MALCOLM - the relationship experts!
Vanessa : Hi everyone! Hope that you enjoyed the programme as much as Malcolm and I enjoyed making it.
Malcolm : Yes, hi everyone, it's been a great experience for us making the programme and we hope it adds a whole new dimension to reality TV. We'd love your comments.
HELLO : prog was ace
Olivia : It was very good – thanks
Gendella : What during filming of this series, have you found to be the most important characteristics of a good relationship?
Spike : Excellent program - wish my wife was here watching it!
Vanessa : The most important aspect of any relationship is communication. If there is no communication a relationship will wither and die, we are thrilled that you liked the programme.
Malcolm : I agree that communication is key and that couples that enjoy a good quality of physical contact with each other and the feeling that they live a shared life, which is mutually supportive, is really important.
Vanessa : I second that. People should work as a team and not as 2 individuals in a power struggle.
Malcolm : Quality time together as well as quality individual time.
buggedoutdj : I seem to have a relationship with very good communication but a poor sex life, what is the best way to boost a sex life?
Olivia : What about if communication is good but the sex has died?
Malcolm : It's a dangerous area when sex is poor between a couple. And actually sex being poor often indicates that something else has gone wrong in the relationship and is not being addressed, I recommend wooing again and re-igniting romantic sparks. Also practicing non-sexual physical contact, i.e. massage, kissing, cuddling, caressing.
Vanessa : When a relationship is in difficulties the sex is often the first thing that starts to go and it's absolutely imperative that you don't both lose the confidence to start having sex again. Start reaching out to the other person, make them feel like they did at the beginning of the relationship. You may benefit from a sexual counsellor if things have become very difficult on the sexual front.
Tom : Vanessa did they argue after you finished talking to them??
Vanessa : No...they actually were stunned by what they had seen of themselves on the tapes. They were very receptive to the comments that had been made. They both genuinely believe that they have been helped by the series.
jinedin : Precisely what qualifications make you and Malcolm 'relationship experts'?
HELLO : they seemed like a real nice couple
Malcolm : I've been in the field for more than 20 years, specialising in relationships. I've written a book called 'The Courage to Love' which focuses on relationship skills.
Vanessa : As a divorce lawyer with over 24 years experience I know unequivocally what men and women do not like about each other and brings them to divorce. I have worked backwards to try to address those problems before they sever relationships. I work as a mediator and have written a book called 'Secrets of Relationship Success' which addresses many of the issues which cause relationship breakdown. I believe that Malcolm and I are qualified to deal with the nitty gritty of relationship problems across the board.
Des : Vanessa I agree he needed to make her feel more needed, we need to feel that way..you reading this boys!
Bunter : How can I get my husband to pay me more attention?
Vanessa : Get a tape of the programme, show it to your husband and talk to him, telling him you would love him to pay you more compliments. Do NOT phrase it as a criticism but simply something you would like.
Malcolm : You might try paying him more attention too. Sometimes one partner feels less confident after a while and either party can take responsibility for re-igniting the flame of healthy relationship.
Guy : How can I get my girlfriend to pay attention to me when we're out socializing? ive tried being a gentleman and ive tried ignorance. Om a very good talker and fun to be around! HELP!!
Malcolm : Stop trying. Be yourself and don't try and get a result. If you are well matched she'll respond to you and you'll respond to her.
Guy : true true
Vanessa : You could try talking about the difficulty if it really is causing you a problem, otherwise cool it because you may be intimidating her with your over niceness.
HELLO : just want to stick up for the boys, my boyfriend pays me compliments everyday and buys me presents all the time and is a total gentleman. must of just got lucky i guess
buggedoutdj : I find it hard to pay compliments without sounding cheesey, any suggestions?
Malcolm : Great that there is a guy who knows how to pay compliments, it's an easy skill to practice. Save the compliments for when you really feel something and then make sure you put it across. Don't try. Let it be spontaneous and then it gets real.
Vanessa : It's wonderful that your boyfriend is paying you compliments, don't ever take them for granted. Sometimes, if you have never paid your girlfriend a compliment if you start to shower them with them they will think it's very odd, in fact, they may think you're having an affair! So just let it come naturally.
Gendella : do u feel comfortable telling couples they need to have sex more?
Vanessa : Yes! Absolutely! I do it all the time in my job if I think it appropriate.
Sue : she looked embarassed herself mind
Vanessa : When you are in a profession where many people tell you that they have not had sex in some cases for 10 years and do not understand why their relationship is in difficulties, you know why the issue has to be raised.
Malcolm : The way I operate, I wouldn't be telling couples particularly that they have to have sex more but I would be finding out whether one party's needs are not being met and if sex is a victim of a lack of relationship. It very often leads to resentment and ultimately the end of relationship. So we need to find ways of keeping sexuality, which is ultimately our physical expression of love, alive and vibrant in a relationship.
Spike : Any tips on how to get over the tired partner problem?
Vanessa : Go to bed early! Switch off the tele. (except our programme!) So often couples complain of tiredness yet they could structure their lives very easily in a way that would prevent this.
Malcolm : Tiredness is often a response to a lack of stimulation within the relationship. We switch off and become tired. Do some exciting things together.
Vanessa : I don't necessarily agree with Malcolm that tiredness is always an indication of lack of interest. Many women in particular who have multi jobs ie work, children, home etc do find that they get extremely tired, but by revamping your life and dividing the chores more sensibly your sex life can flourish.
mayfly : where do you go for help if there are problems
sean : what is the next step if anger is present in one of the partners, but it isnt necessarily directed at the relationship itself?
Malcolm : Anger is one of the more difficult emotions to handle. We don't get educated on either dealing with or receiving anger and we have to find ways of educating ourselves. Therapy is a good route for doing this, but make sure you get a therapist who has been highly recommended by someone you trust.
Vanessa : In particular there are counsellors who specialise in anger management, it is imperative if you or your partner has a problem that it is recognised and dealt with. That kind of problem can grow to be very dangerous if it is not addressed. You could contact the BAC (British Association of Counsellors) who are based in Rugby, Warwickshire.
Malcolm : But I would always prefer to go on a personal recommendation by someone.
Deejay : Girlfreind is talking about marriage and suchlike after only about 5 months going out, although i love her to bits and at the moment couldnt bear life without her, we are both young and i dont think this is what we should be thinking about at the moment, can you suggest how to get her off the subject without seeming harsh and uncaring ?
Malcolm : Tell the truth - you're not ready for that yet and you genuinely need more time and you love her to bits.
Vanessa : Couldn't agree more.
andrew : I Hate to ask this sort of question, but, i dont feel my relationship is going anywhere and want to end it, how can i do it in the softest way possable?
Vanessa : Do not send an e-mail or text message to end your relationship which is a common cop out today by partners ending relationships. Meet with your girlfriend and tell her how you feel and be totally honest about it. In ending the relationship do not try to put the blame on your partner, you want to end it, you do not have to make your partner feel demoralised and unworthy in the process.
Malcolm : However soft you are she will still feel pain. Don't try to avoid causing her pain but make sure you don't cause her anymore pain than is absolutely necessary.
Des : Vanessa what are the most common causes of relationship breakdowns?
Vanessa : Hatred!
Vanessa laughs
Vanessa : In all seriousness the most common cause is lack of sex, followed by lack of communication and a gradual drifting apart of 2 people that have nothing to say to each other anymore.
Malcolm : Allowing 'in loveness' to gradually dissipate and wanting only the highs in relationships - make the effort to keep the continuity of good communication, make the effort to treat your partner as somebody precious. And very often look to understand them before you have them understand you.
buggedoutdj : Did the you both get on well together making the programme, or did you argue a lot? How was your relationship?!?
Vanessa chuckles
Vanessa : We got on very well during the making of the programme, we spent a lot of the time enjoying what we were discovering about the couples but also had an enormous laugh over some of the issues both with each other and with the couples.
Malcolm : We had a gas, there was a great deal of mutual respect and an ability to hold differing viewpoints without either of us needing to be right.
Vanessa : I disagree!
Vanessa laughs
Malcolm : Hehe, of course you do! Our relationship developed over the series, so we've become really good friends.
Vanessa : Here, here!
Chat Ed : Talking of communication...
Rachael : I love my boyfriend more than any past ones but his penis...its the smallest i've ever been with, no joke, i 'm used to quite big and i can hardly feel him. should i say something?
Vanessa : No... if that's the size he is, you either live with it or you get rid of him. Do not demoralise the poor man - he has enough to contend with.
Malcolm : It's a golden rule not to challenge people when there is something they cannot change. It can only set up resentment. You may have to be inventive about your sex life.
Vanessa : There are many sexual aids these days that can assist with your problem and you may find that your sex life is even better than you dreamed of.
Harlequins Kiss : instead of relating to wommin, can't you just bop em on the head and take back to the cave?
MR E : what is your main piece of advice for couples?
Malcolm : You might want to buy a plastic mail order doll Harelquins Kiss! You are clearly not equipped for all the complications of modern woman!
Vanessa : It sounds to me like he already has many of them already! They clearly are not working!
Vanessa laughs
Malcolm : Communicate, communicate, communicate, Mr E. And practice loving each other, mind body and spirit.
Vanessa : Stop criticising each other and start loving again.
Des : here here to all that
HELLO : great show cant wait till next wk
buggedoutdj : All very good advice, thanks everyone
Vanessa : We do hope that you enjoyed the programme and that you will find the rest of the series equally as interesting. We really hope that every programme will reveal new secrets and if we save one relationship we will be happy.
Malcolm : I feel that Talkback has made a brave attempt to deal seriously with the multi-faceted areas of concern for modern couples. Relationships are not easy and the whole series examines a very broad spectrum of the sort of issues that all of us deal with and can relate to.
Vanessa : Remember the words 'a cuddle a day keeps the lawyer away'!
