Bill Bailey : Hello chatters!
mpettitt : Did you choose your hairstyle, or did it choose you?
Bill Bailey: It is not in fact hair, but a team of small South American Mammals crouching veeeerrry still.
dreamsteve : What's the best thing about having a beard?
Bill Bailey laughs - There's many things... free entry to jazz clubs...(chuckles)... hilarious incidents at airports where customs officers search it...
MonMilton : Where do you buy your pants?
Bill Bailey : LOL!! Good to see the internet being used for such high brow conversation... (giggles). I do buy them from Calvin Klein. There's a serious answer.
Stevie : Any chance of a Bill Bailey greatist hits CD?
Bill Bailey roars with laughter - What, now?? Yes, at some point in the future, this will occur.
penpony : GO ON, WE WANT A GREATEST HITS CD!
Petethe ninja donL : How does Dylan Moran's hair go like that? It's amazing!
Bill Bailey : Heheh alright alright! Oh for god's sake! Next!
saspin : Tell us when you're on tour Bill!
Bill Bailey : I'm on tour right now saspin. I've just come off stage at Sheffield City Hall.
mistybrouhaha : Playing Birmingham soon?? Pleeease??
Bill Bailey : It continues to the end of November and I've just added extra dates in Swansea, Dublin and London.
James132 : Have you any plans for coming to N.Ireland? Go on...
Bill Bailey : Mistybrouhaha, are you related to foggy bou ha ha? Tee hee. Birmingham, no... I'm in Telford though... and in Leeds.
Dust Brother : Please come to Hounslow.
lazyjane : Telford, ick!
Bill Bailey : NO Dust Brother! Yes James I'm going to try and do a gig in Belfast at the end of the year.
Jeremy : You've come a long way since playing The Entertainer aged 10...Slobbo (probably) would be proud...Nice one Bill...
Bill Bailey laughs - Who the hell are you!!??
Derek and Clive : Did you used to get groupies when you went on tour? and were any proper mingers?
Bill Bailey : Proper mingers!! I really don't know what you mean! MY fanbase is of a different kind. I don't get underpants - I get engineering students asking me about cling-on!
bubba : So, Bill - Do you think the self destructive nature of a capitalist society will lead the human race to annihalation before we encounter alien life??
Bill Bailey : Err... no (laughs). Who is to say that the aliens are themselves self destructive capitalists - who live in a parallel Tesco's.
JIMBO271 : In a fight: Blake or Avon, who would win?
Bill Bailey : Blake would seem to get the upper hand...
shorty : No chance - Avon was hard!!
Bill Bailey : But Avon would triumph because he is more wiley.
thunderchild : Are you doing another series of Is it Bill Baliey?
Bill Bailey : Errrm... no no plans to... after the BBC decided against it (chuckles). Yes.
Myles Bartoli Indiep : Are you big in the USA?
Bill Bailey : No, not at all. I'm very tiny like a tiny little pixie. I've never done a gig there. But I'm BIG in the Phillipines and New Zealand and Hong Kong. And Zimbabwe!
greg : Or are you in fact exactly the same size as you are in the uk, except for a slight swelling?
Bill Bailey chuckles at greg - Yes, I have very swollen joints...
Colin : Do you think Dr Who as Belgian Jazz might be too sophisticated for the American palette?
Bill Bailey chuckles - Yes sometimes it's too sophisticated for the Lowestoft palette. In fact I don't think they even had Dr Who in the US, so it would be met with blank stares of bewilderment.
Chris Barnett : Are you doing this chat at gunpoint?
Bill Bailey : LOL!! Yes!
Will : You must answer our prayers!
Bill Bailey : I am being held against my will. Send help! To City Hall Sheffield!
lara_aka_fragilechil : Is BB your first sitcom? Is it easier than a one man show?
Bill Bailey : Yes it is my first. It is easier. One man shows are very labour intensive; I write all the material myself. In Black Books | have a great script to work with already and the pressure of writing is gone so I can just have fun and muck about.
UncleHeavy : You once made me vomit with laughter.
Bill Bailey : Hehehehehehee - Did you save any of it? I actually did a gig in Sydney once... and a bloke was laughing he leaned back... and slipped off his chair and he slipped a disc and had to be rushed to hospital!
Boidal : Did he sue you?
Bill Bailey : He actually came back... a month later... in a wheelchair!! - to see the second half of the show!
ferretgirl : hmmm, better seating then..
pantscatt : When will your nude calender be available??
Bill Bailey : Oh god! chuckles (hard) - I don't think the world is ready - I'm covered in hair and am a circus freak.
katiaishmailova : We love hair.
Bill Bailey : Maybe I could get into the animal calendar market.
Omar : I'll order my copy now.
Bill Bailey chuckles.
Hannah : Don't wear fur, wear Bill Bailey.
Bill Bailey : You saucy minx!
Aardvark : Hi Bill, I find it very hard to find out about your upcoming events, do you have an official website?
Bill Bailey : Yep, it's www.billbailey.co.uk - site under construction. My cyber elves are now chipping away at it.
Barbie : With nude pictures of you preferably!
Bill Bailey : You are a bunch of PERVS!!
Dannybe2 : I agree!
NAgasaki : Thank you
lesley : Who really stole the leg of time?
Bill Bailey chuckles - You mean you don't think it was terry??
bigbunnyboy : Terry was framed guv!!
Bill Bailey : Yeah, it was Greta Scacchi that did it.
rachel : But it was a brilliant series..you are so talented Bill.
Herbiv4 : Has Channel 4 decided to commission a 2nd series of Black Books yet Bill?
Bill Bailey : Yes they have. As we speak, or communicate via the screen, yes they have...
Barbie : hooray!!
Bill Bailey : ...next year
Team Rocket : Fabulous!
Myles Bartoli Indiep : How do you get SO perplexed all the time? I want to be like that!
Bill Bailey : Aaarrgghhahahaha - so perplexed, oh god, I don't know...
Watcher : You just have to swallow the 'little book of calm'
Bill Bailey : ...a combination of non illegal substances.
mrmonkeyman: Do you have any calm tips for us today?
Bill Bailey : Yes... (puts on fake doctor voice)... if you are feeling perplexed grow a beard and stroke your chin until you are calm...
garlicmuncher : I tried swallowing the little book of calm but almost choked to death, any tips?
Bill Bailey : It's ermm... hee hee... why not grate the little Book of Calm over some toast?
Dust Brother: Bill, can I be really boring for a minute and just ask you..what keyboards do you use on stage?
Gaynor: How big's your organ?
Bill Bailey roars with laughter
AfPhantom: Is it a mighty organ?
Bill Bailey : It's a beautiful instrument. Hang on a sec, I just have to put on this anaorak - I use Yamaha P200, Rowland DJ70, sampling workstation with trembling tortoise points...
lesley : You obviously spend alot of time fiddling with it?
shep : Do you play with it regularly?
Bill Bailey : Yes, I have to use it up the shed.
mrmonkeyman : And do you parade it down the street, proudly?
Bill Bailey : Yes! I push it in front of me on a specially constructed trolley.
oi-you : So, where do you do your busking , Oh pearly one?
Bill Bailey : oh pearly one!! I busk no more, oh loony one.
Karl :Indeed you are the pearliest of them all...
grettin : Do you work on your vacant expression in the mirror?
shep : Do you watch yourself on TV and pretend your looking in a mirror?
Bill Bailey laughs - Yes because I'm only 14 inches high in real life.
Chris Barnett : What is your favourite thing you have done on TV to date?
Bill Bailey : Dressed as a wizard on Never Mind The Buzzcocks Christmas Special.
chriss : What are you and Stewart Lee up to at the moment? Is he your script editor?
Bill Bailey : No, he's not. I've never worked with Stewart, not that I wouldn't want to.
jacob : Ever considered panto?
Bill Bailey : Panto??! Yes... hang on a second - what am I saying... NO! I'd rather busk.
Terry : You would make a wonderfuly Widow Twanky.
Bill Bailey : Ooooh, Terry you're just saying that (winks).
sting : Are you a member of the... OCCULT?
ibster : Can you tell us something in Klingon?
Bill Bailey laughs - My answer to that is... jdsfhkejfdsjsjuh udsferkfvm dfju dsfhjdsfe efjfiiics c.
Face Fungus : Whats the lowest thing you would do for money, busking not included?
Bill Bailey : Robbing midgets!
Hannah : HOORAY! Inform the media, the Red Arrows must do a display! This is bigger than the millenium! YAY!!!!!!! joy to the world, the lord has come...
H3 : What did your classmates think of your beard as a child?
Bill Bailey giggles - I would unfurl it to it's full majesty and stroke it.
arabus : Been to the motorshow yet and if so, if you were a car, what would you be?
Bill Bailey : No I haven't been. (chuckles) Oh God... A Morris Minor...
Omar : Morris Minor?
Bill Bailey : I would be a 1974 Austin Maxi with walnut dash.
Luci : I think a Beetle.
HappyJackass : Are there any plans to star in a porno film?
Bill Bailey : Whatever you want me to be baaaayybeeee (laughs) - Yes, I plan to audition for the sequel to the Duke Of Knockers.
Marshmallow_Eating_M : What would be your pornstar name?
Bill Bailey : Well, you know how to calculate your porn name don't you?? You take your first pet as a child... then your mothers maiden name... and this is your porn name - thus mine is Tinker Mason..
Late Night Chat Ed : Oo yes, mine is Rumpus James...
Bill Bailey chuckles loudly at Chat Ed - Rumpus eh??
UncleHeavy : Your pet's name, and your mum's maiden name...
cainsey : Shandy Jones.
katy : I'm Miss Piggy Hare.
Bill Bailey : I can hardly speak I'm laughing so much!
Karl : I'm Gerbil Thunder.
Bill Bailey : Ooooooh.
Cosworth Cat : : Floppy Bones???
Colorfinger : Woofer Dodd?
Bill Bailey : How can your mothers maiden name be Thunder???
Late Night Chat Ed : wipes tears - lord, we've done our half hour; so, last three questions, folks.
Bill Bailey composes himself.
mrmonkeyman : NOOOOOO!
BB : Do you have any unusual habits?
Bill Bailey: Yes I er... hehehe embarrass shrews...
ladymoonray : Daddy, or chips?
Bill Bailey : What?? LOL!! whaaaat?? lol - bangs head against the screen.
Moira : Chips definitely
sting : oooh Daddy!
Steve Bridgeman : Ever considered ruling a minor principality in Scandinavia?
Bill Bailey : tee hee - I do, every Tuesday between 4pm and 6pm.
Late Night Chat Ed : Last two at once...
Will : Do you go like the privvy door when the plague's in town?
Bill Bailey : Aaaaaaah heheheeheee.
punk-girl-182 : Bill, are u gonna be the next priminister?
Bill Bailey : Yes... errr... yes. I love you all.
Late Night Chat Ed chuckles - That's it folks!
Bill Bailey : oh yeah!
Late Night Chat Ed : Thanks for coming Bill. Enlightening. To say the least (grins).
Bill Bailey : Goodbye and thank you , you perving pervs!!
Colorfinger : Seeya Bill -- You rock and Satanic gestures and stuff.
Kathleen : Love you Bill.
Dave : Bill Bailey has left the theatre!
Boidal : Cheers Bill.
cainsey : Bye Bill. See you in November.
Gus : Stand you a pint in Glasgow.
Emily Griffiths : ay hello to Dylan for me.
3 colours : Slocklo. We luv you Bill.
Quiff : Bye Bill, we love you!
Bill Bailey leaves the room.
