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a 16 year old male asked the following question:

Question
I have been with my girlfriend for four months. I've had sex with her about seven times. But recently, I haven't been able to have sex because of a problem. I can get an erection when it comes to masturbation and oral sex. But when it comes to having sex with her, my penis goes flaccid, stopping me having sex. What's wrong with me? It can't be to do with anxiety, because I've had sex with her before. It's really getting to me because I feel like I'm not man enough for her. Please help.

Answer
You say that you have a good relationship with your girlfriend, and that you do not feel nervous around her. But there can be many reasons for not getting an erection, some of them being anxiety, stress, medication, and alcohol. When it happens once it is very difficult not to be anxious, and therefore it is likely to happen again until you break the cycle.

Do you remember the first time this happened? It may help to think about what was different that time from previous occasions when you had no problem with your erection.

You know that you can get an erection, you have had intercourse seven times and you are getting erections when you masturbate and have oral sex. So you know that your penis is functioning.

Excess worry can affect your erections, so try to make your lovemaking as relaxed and as pleasurable as possible.

You could try just taking it a bit more slowly and taking time to explore with each other what you both enjoy. It may help to not even try to have intercourse for a short while and discover ways of just really getting to know each other's bodies and ways of exploring each other's likes and dislikes.

This way, the focus will be taken away from your inability to maintain an erection, and you can both relax enough to enjoy being intimate with each other.

Communication is vital in any relationship and can only help to strengthen the bond between two people. Talking to your girlfriend may release some of the tension that must be having some effect on your relationship.

If this continues to be a problem for you, counselling may have a positive effect and it may well be worth exploring this as an option. You could speak to your GP about this. Maybe a medical examination would eliminate the possibility of a medical explanation.

It might also help you to visit the following site which has reassuring, clearly-presented information on erectile dysfunction, its causes and its cures:

hcd2.bupa.co.uk/fact_sheets/Mosby_factsheets/Impotence.html

You may find it useful to look at the 'stress' part of the Channel 4 Health House. This has lots of information about how stress can affect you and the 'Get help' section includes organisations with information on coping with stress, especially relaxation therapies and complementary therapies.

There are many possibilities and it can only benefit you to explore every avenue before making a more informed decision.

When you do have penetrative sex, it is important to practise safer sex by using a condom. This reduces the risks of sexually transmitted infections and unplanned pregnancy.

I hope this has helped.

question number 10333

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