PROFILE

"Wayne had plainly misunderstood Sir Alex's instruction to 'go wherever he wanted'."

"Rooney dropped so deep, he found himself behind the midfield general."

"Rooney steadfastly refused to be part of the Specsavers buy-one, get-sunglasses free promotion."

"The Korean army went all-out attack."

"Even in Korea, Rooney found himself in a front three, with three no-nonsense hard men playing behind them."

"The animation was breaking new ground for the fourth Shrek installment"

"Hello magazine were making damn sure no-one else was getting the Rooney exclusive."

"Wayne Rooney models the new home kit whilst Ji Sung Park models the kit Man U will wear at hostile European games."

"The Koreans were way ahead of Jose Mourinho as to marking Wayne Rooney."

"Rooney Goons: Back In Action"

"Carlos Tevez hires a Shrek outfit to avoid the Premier League officials."

"You wait ages for a Stormtrooper and then two turn up at once."

""Star TREK, you idiot. I can't believe we looked SO stupid...""

""Don't you think the boots are a little bit... well... gay?""

"STORMTROOPER 1: "All white!" STORMTROOPER 2: "That's Barrymore...""

"Once the exhibition had finished, they were straigh to the next job for Persil."

"GIRL: "So, you're Han and YOU'RE Solo? Doesn't that cause confusion?" STORMTROOPER: "Like you wouldn't believe...""

"The girl continued to act naturally even after the Stormtroopers' rendition and dancing of 'Can You Feel The Force?'"

"London transport miraculously improved under the new guards regime."

"STORMTROOPER: "Excuse me, are we on the right platform?" GIRL: "No, you need to be over the dark side.""

"Even Stormtroopers need to get home at night."

"There was a real Darth of trains after the exhibition finished."

""This is my fifteenth 4laughs caption competition." "Really? It's only my twelfth.""

""Naked one day, Stormtroopers the next; these 4laughs muppets are taking the mick, Mary...""

"London Transport took the Guardian Angels idea and pushed it one step further."

""Excuse me, does the next one stop at the Death Star?""

""Down comes the rain, and washed the wizards out...""

"Woah! Ropey-Hokey-Cokey!"

"A magic cast had been conjured for Anaconda 3: Wrath of the Invisible Reptile"

"Emily was struggling to recall her present underwear situation as they approached the floor fan"

""Look Mr Scorcese, we're not REALLY wizards!""

""All out! Simon didn't say!""

"The cast were contracted to appear in a very specific way due to an agreement with the action figure makers."

"The conjoined triplets were an unfortunate match for the cast of the Harry Potter films."

""Reach for a reasonable height!" shouted the vertigo-suffering thief."

""Reach for the ski," screamed the illiterate mugger."

"Terrorists had found the ultimate shock target."

"The other two joined in playfully as Radcliffe kept a brave face on during the invisible midget attack."

"The actors were kept from the public by the huge glass box they lived in, between films."

"The trailer for the new Harry Potter film was conveyed entirely though the medium of mime."

"The length of the newest film could be counted on the fingers of one cast."

"The cast convey the name of the new film using the rules of 'Give Us A Clue'."

"Jazz Hands!"

"The sudden disappearance of the tanning salon's main curtain went unnoticed by the clientele."

""Bet you wish your bottom was HOT like me""

"The intelligent Pussycat Doll was the only one to figure out where the front of the stage actually was"

"Nicole's was seconds away from realising the problem was not last night's curry, just a very hot lightbulb shining up."

"Pussycat Dolls appearance was nothing a cynical marketing campaign for new album "More Flesh Than A Butcher's Window""

"There was enough pieces of skirt at the gig to make one... err... skirt."

""Titillation oh titillattion TITTILATION - it's what you need. If you wanna be the best and you wanna beat the rest...""

"The Spice Girls reunion plans were put into jeopardy by the popularity of Spice Girls Juniors."

""So, you'll wear your wellies to go shooting in a field, but didn't think to bring them to the FLOODS?!""

"Prince Charles does his darnest to avoid being the centre of attention."

"Prince Charles does Leeds-Liverpool the old-fashioned way."

""So this is the Little Venice I've heard so much about?""

"Prince Charles starts a campaign for the UK's own Venice."

""Splendid! I feel like Hulk Hogan/""

"Liam confuses Old Bill with the old bloke who used to supply his coccaine."

"Once again, Liam is captivated by the white lines on the edges of the law."

"Neither policeman noticed as Liam pulled his shirt through his own bottom."

"Liam was pleased as punch with the tour outfits but Noel and the fat one weren't so happy."

"After speaking a good half hour, Mark was yet to realise that everyone else in the conversation was a waxwork."

"The Princes were confused as to why Billy Idol had employed very slight bodyguards."

"The Take That boys used the biggest Will to avoid Harry's 'Death Stare'."

""Well, Robbie left a while ago and the Orange one is in the toilet so if we move quick, yes, you're in!""

""There's no need to be embarassed, Mark. Get down off that box.""

"Celebrity Big Brother decided to go truly international."

""No, I don't know either -- just put it on!""

"The Spice Girls try to cover every base to ensure their track is the anthem for the 2012 Olympics."

"The Spices hold up the flags from where their children were conceived."

"It's that special blend of hurling and Spices that makes them finger-flicking good..."

"The clowns the children had been promised were not what they were expecting."

"Tony Blair was chuffed at his cameo in 'Kindergarten Cop 2: The Wasted Years'"

""No, no, Arnold -- I said I was going to become a *publican*""

"The synopsis for Terminator 4 was becoming more ridiculous by the day"

"Tony had one last surprise for Gordon in the 'foregone conclusion' for the Labour leadership."

"Tony: I'll be back. Arnie: Yeah, right..."

""I'll be back""

"The fight for the best tent had reached a climax when the infamous Orange Ghost of Somerset made a belated appearance."

"The Glastonbury ambience was ruined by the workman's jobsworthness"

"Kate Moss and Pete Doherty reached new lows to fund their drug habits at Glastonbury"

"Glastonbury was the premiere of Wig Wam Bam's lost verse."

""Are they real, Mummy?" "No, love. They're cardboard cut-outs.""

"Posh and Tom's attempts at 'Men In Black' for the fancy dress party were completely ruined by Katie's 'light' take."

"Brooklyn was ultimately confused that the big movie star's barcoding."

"Who's the Daddy?!"

""What a crap line-up," though Brooklyn."

"The love of David's life... keeps his son entertained."

"The shadow puppet rabbit was always good misdirection for Daddy's substitutions."

"Brooklyn and Cruz are more than a little perturbed as Katie models next season's LA Galaxy kit."

"The Celebrity A-lists attempt to avoid the paparazzi are in vain as one of The Golden Girls comes to watch Real Madrid."

"Brooklyn's inability to understand the concept of 'two' advertises the powerful genetic combination of Posh and Becks."

""Hey, if we adopt you, you'll be Cruz Cruise!""

"Callum and Hugo had brought cards, but it had since become clear it wasn't that kind of party."

"'High five' translated differently to the samurai-warrior from the far east."

"'I'm glad I brought these leg-warmers,' thought Curtis. ' As it's getting a bit nippy out here.'"

"To be perfectly honest, 'Killer' and 'Butch' thought the dancing made them look a bit camp,."

"Lifting the conservative regulations on attire had seen the heart ripped from Ultimate Fighting Championship."

"Agent Smith proves he doesn't wear *all* black in promotions for "The Matrix: The Musical"."

"Attempts to create "lol" outside of cyberspace were proving problematic"

"Gervais wished so hard that the sergeant major actually appeared."

"DrVole and lustforleith celebrate winning yet another caption competition"

"The two midgets were off their faces on crack cocaine. "

"The lads felt a bit nauseous when they discovered the misunderstanding with Jon about the meat grinder."

""What an incredible embarassment!" said the bald man after his wig fell off."

"If Jenny knew about Bill's pig perversion, she never would have booked the barbershop quartet to surprise him."

"The public information film went over the line describing the drawbacks of making a house entirely of straw."