Comedy Ladder Position: 32=
Points: 2
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"Asked to judge the tai chi chuan, the Duchess of Cornwall thought it would be at Cruft's"
"Actually, I think one's husband could do with brushing up on his marital arts too"
"You Chinatown Mandarins look completely different to the ones in Whitehall"
"Prince Harry was lucky to get a seat to himself. In front, they were sitting stacked three to a seat."
"Prince Harry was quite upset by the two ugly totem poles in front of him"
"I know it's nail-biting, Harry, but that's MY hand"
"Harry and WIlls were supporting England, but the two ghosts in the background were avid South Africa fans"
"Non, ici, c'est le Stade de France. Ce n'est pas le Parc des Princes."
"Prince William was taking deputising for his father a little too seriously"
"Short-sighted referee checks the rules to see if penguins are allowed to enter"
"You're a man, not a nun! You're WIlliam the Conkerer."
"They're almost as big as Father O'Malley's nuts"
"Nuns flagellate the testicles of unbelievers"
"However, there were suspicions that Sister Mary had been rubbing Viagra onto her rosary beads"
"Manchester United maybe. Korea United, I don't think."
"The customs man had ticked that Wayne was OK to enter South Korea"
"Wayne hadn't realised that there was an expert on shutting down nuclear reactors on the plane with the same name"
"But Wayne and Colleen were no Posh and Becks ... thank God"
"The guards were forced to wear sunglasses because of the glare of the sun bouncing off the top of Wayne's head"
"The South Koreans were upset that Noddy hadn't come along as well"
"The South Koreans were upset that Moddy hadn't come along as well"
"The South Koreans were especially suspicious of Wayne because of his communist-red shirt and oversized listening devices"
"Wayne eventually found his kit after a lot of Seoul-searching"
"At last! A country that pronounces Wayne's surname appropriately"
"Wayne had clearly misunderstood comments about a good Korea move"
"Artifical organ transplants is one thing, but these plastic skin grafts hurt like hell"
"It all started with cyclists having to wear helmets and just grew from there"
"And are you sure you'll be able to recognise Richard Branson?"
"Oh dear, those commuters have just put all their McDonald's wrappings into R2D2 again"
"George Lucas announces he is to remake "Brief Encounter""
"Yer, well it is very easy to get Deptford and Death Star confused"
"Yeah, I feel a bit sweaty in here too, Derek"
"Protection against terrorists, mate? Nah, have you seen the size of the rats down here?"
"Darren suddenly panicked and thought he' d left his season ticket at home"
"You don't want to go to the toilet again?"
"I'm off to the Shepherds Bush Empire - I hear it's about to strike back"
"What makes you think Ken Livingstone isn't going to give up being Mayor so easily?"
"Because of the postal stirkes, Hoover make new delivery arrangments for spares"
"And mind your head getting onto the train"
""Teeth on a stick" sound slike an apt description of Posh Spice"
"When the audience was asked to show their teeth, Lily Allen thought she detected an element of sarcasm"
"The only gig Lily could get was at the London Dental Convention"
"Lily was sad to see so many young people with dentures"
"That's the last time I touch creme de menthe"
"Those X-ray specs I bought at school are beginning to work!"
"I always said there were too many building developments in Central London. Erections everywhere!"
"Those intending to fly from Heathrow took steps to avoid being searched for hours at Customs"
"What did they mean, there were naked women in Boot's? They're barefoot."
"Boot's were having a sale on haemorrhoid cream"
"I'd recommend Specsavers contact lenses to anybody, thought Jeffrey"
"Why can't girls be like men and carry wallets instead of those huge hangbags, thought Larry "
"For once, I could have parked my bike, thought Harry"
"London's new traffic calming measures were a great hit"
" When the girls marched up first, Harry thought someone was giving him a round of applause "
"Hmm, that reminds me. I must get my hair trimmed."
"Skin care? Actually it reminds me to visit the chemist for an entirely different reason."
"I must get my eyes tested. I thought it was a row of those little round trees you see outside restaurants."
"Stupid secetary! I said to advertise for a NEW salesgirl."
"Having failed to thwart Harry Potter with wizardry, Lord Voldemort resorts to a straight stick-em-up"
"Harry Potter and friends say how many meals they want when they make their order from the Phoenix take-away"
"Potter fans were stunned to see no evidence of stigmata"
"Daniel, Rupert and Emma show how many millions they each expect to make out of the film "
"If we get to Cannes, said Harry, we might be awarded the Palm D'Or"
"The next film in the franchise will be "Harry Potter and the Deathly Mime Artists""
"Unfortunately, Harry only managed to get half the spell out before the truck hit them"
"JK Rowling was a little shocked, and quickly checked the book to see if the whole cast singing "Mamie" was in there"
"Sorry, guys, but without tickets, you're not coming in through that glass door"
"Mr. Grauman finally found out who had messed up his concrete path."
"Quite clean enough now. OK, Harry, Ron and Hermione, you can come and have tea now."
"Lord Voldemort surrounds Harry Potter and his friends with a force-field"
"When asked to model England's new kit, the Pussycat Dolls clearly misunderstood the term 'strip.' "
"They're not terribly good singers though, are they?"
"I'm not sure what team they play for, Son, but the chap next to me said Bristol City."
"I wish I were watching football, 'cos then they'd exchange shirts at the end"
"I don't know what team they play for, Dad, but it must start with a V, 'cos they've all got V's on their shirts"
"Are you sure this aint football, Son? I can definitely see Gary Lineker's big ears down there."
"Wembley hadn't seen so many boobs since David Beckham's last penalty shoot-out"
"Well, the Live Earth certainly moved for me there"
"I haven't brought me glasses, Dave, which one is Thierry?"
"So this isn't the FA Cup Final then, Darren?"
"I don't know why they moan so much in Hull. Hull's are meant to be under water."
"Why are the people unhappy? Let them eat skate."
"Why are the people moaning, men? These floods are damned good fun!"
"If you'd bothered to paint it yellow, men, we could have pretended this was Ibiza"
"If he's the Prince of Whales, why can't he swim?"
"On the count of three, lads, just tip him in"
"I blame all those people crying at Diana's concert"
"This is the only throne I'm going to get my hands on"
"One elderly gentleman had to be rescued with his inflatable Helen Mirren doll"
"Liam resisted the need to "Feel the Force""
"Liam begins to suspect that the identity parade has been rigged"
"Liam replaces Sting in the reformed Police line-up"
"Liam was all ready to show his driving licence when the Police said "See ID""
"The Police wanted Liam to Oasist them with their enquiries"
"It was the first time Oasis and The Police had performed together"
"I'm sorry, but was this the Diana Tribute or Gay Pride?"
"Well, if her death has brought you lot together again, then at least some good has come out of it all."
"OK, lads. Let's see Mother Theresa top this!"
"Whta's that
