PROFILE

"The Pope practiced his road rage hand signals to fend off leaping Germans from the Pope Mobile."

"Rooney regreted taking team mate, Park Ji-Sung, out clubbing."

"Even hiding in their favourite costumes, the geeks were too afraid to approach the girl"

"Young Mugabe swore that one day this would all be his."

"He smiled at the his own cleverness with the 'fumbling for some change' act."

"Charles' QE2 rival confirmed he will always live in his Mother's shadow"

"Following his brother's failure to cope with Navy life, Charles was given an easier ride"

"Penny Crayon was grateful when the police took time off terrorist duties to help find her glasses."

"Take That share a joke with Tim Nice But Dim at the 'Early Nineties Revival Dinner'"

"Stephen Hawking loved earwigging celebrity conversations."

"The curb-crawler quickly moved on."

"Since the band split up, the girls took to selling towels and clothes pegs on the streets."

"ARNIE: "I'll be back." TONY: "I won't!""

"Despite his protests against the selfishness of man, Swampy refused to share his bath!"

"Out of shot, Steve Mclaren wept as the victorious underdogs danced around the pitch. Again."

"The Scissor Sisters recruited appropriate riot police"

"She lifted up her baby so he could actually see the game. And so did Victoria."

"Soho's Guardian Angels proved less of a deterrent than their New York counterparts"

""You'll have 'BOTH feet in the grave' if you sing that bloody theme tune again!""

"Gervais' remake of Porridge was rubbish"

"Whilst the rappers ruled the ghetto, the buskers claimed the park."

"As soon as they arrived, the Eastern European builders realized the dress advice they were given was dated."

"Papers say: "Beckham back in England squad". Full truth: "Beckham back in England 'leap frog' squad""

"Well, It's not the first back-hander we've seen in his career."

"French managed a smile after jogging off 16 stone"

"The 2 human rights activists stopped 'Jodie Marsh croquet' by standing in front of the man with the large hammer"

"From one 1st lady to another. Condoleezza Rice thanks Cherie."

"Sending in a pie in the face slapstick video was Lisa Riley's only hope of getting back on You've been Framed"

"After leading his 5 a side football team to league domination, Hitler turned his attentions to the world."

"Damn your aim, Spiderman! You were supposed to save the innocent kids by webbing the evil politician!"

"With relegation imminent, even a pillow fight with Pammie did little to cheer up Pardew"

"A SKIP?? I said to for all of us to escape Alcatraz, we need to locate a SHIP!"

"Driven to despair by his master, Bubbles took to drinking large containers of cider in the park with WInehouse."

"The 'alien from the chest scene' in Alien worked better with make-up"

"The soldier look just wasn't working at the swingers party"

""Fek! Drink! Girls! umbrella!""

"'Jerry Springer' easily beat 'Mary Poppins' and one half of 'The Blues Brothers' in the lookalike competition"

"The British version of Wild Hogs was produced on a much tighter budget!"

"Fathers For Justice prove they are as worthy as single mums by spending all day in a laundrette"

"It's not another evil alien being, It's that Danny Baker trying to flog us superior washing powder again"

"Is that Batman stepping out of Comet with his OWN washing machine? Flash sod! "

"I hate getting dressed in public but have you noticed how few phone boxes there are now that everyone has mobiles?"

"Les sat in the bushes and wept after loosing his tandem seat in the divorce settlement"

""You looking at my nan?""

"'80s excess consumes 'The Krankies' "

"David, I know they say you is thick and everything, but I really am NOT Brooklin and I don't need your help in class"

"Brain damage caused by years of drugs abuse has made boy bands a popular career choice in Scotland"

"The Russ Abbot fan club celebrate 20 years since he last worked"

"Giving the midget a piggy-back to the park was more exhausting than she anticipated."

"Lord Nelson was proud of his one-man battle raft with built in ash tray."

"Charles' game show host face was always a winner at kids parties"

"Circumcision pouches and multi-coloured skull caps were the order of the day in Jewish Baywatch"

"The pick-pockets loved using the 'Mr Lobster' puppet to distract their simple victims"

"The Cabbage Patch doll for teenage boys was a stroke of marketing genius!"

"The small, but dedicated crowd at 'Harry Secombe plays Glastonbury'"

"'Harry Secombe plays Glastonbury' attracted a small but dedicated fan base."

"'Harry Secombe plays Glastonbury' attracted a small but dedicated fan base."

"'Harry Secombe plays Glastonbury' attracted a small but dedicated fan base."

"'Harry Secombe plays Glastonbury' attracted a small but dedicated fan base."

"The'Celebrity Street Wrestling' final was between Morphius from the Matrix and C-3PO"

"The forgetful parachutist knew his landing would be painfull"

"Spiderman lets his hatred of chavs be known"

"The inclusion of sign language kept the politically correct viewers happy,.......until 'White Mr T' turned up"