PROFILE

"Don't be embarrassed, just be yourself, now just turn around, act natural and ask her for her number!"

"Oh God, if one of them so much as even looks at me I'm gonna piss myself laughing!"

"Oh please God don't let them be getting on the same train as me, please God don't let them be getting on the same train"

"After the "You must have set your face on stunning this morning" line...they awkwardly ran out of anything else to say"

"It was VERY awkward...Trooper Malcolm had just tried "small talk" with a "humanoid female" & she said "Piss off Freak!""

"Right up until anti-terrorism snipers took them out, 'Troopers' Geoff & Brian had just had the best time of their lives"

"Try to look natural and maybe that girl won't think it's one of us that just farted"

"I'm sorry darling, but I could've sworn the invitation said 'Fancy Dress'"

"I can't believe they wouldn't let us in without a tie"

"The answer to what's black, white and red all over is a storm trooper that missed the last cruisership home"

"Even though it always made everyone else laugh, Gary Coleman was pig-sick of saying "What you talkin' 'bout WIllis!?""

"The Spice/Pussycat/Saints/Allowed broke new musical ground by using their bodies to liven up dull as dishwater material"

"The stage manager thought it would be a laugh to show the audience that the Pussycat dolls were in fact 'poseable'"

"Halfway through the first number of a 3 hour set and the Pussycat Dolls were starting to regret the ponytrekking trip"

"If Elton John had done Candle in the Wind it would have been a disaster for the Miss Baked Beans 2007 contestants"

"Police were ecstatic at catching one half of the Steptoe & Son crime family"

"Since the days of World of Sport, the difference between UK wrestling and the glamour of US wrestling was always obvious"

"The production values for the UK version of It's A Knockout! were never as high as on the continent"

"Losing to Harriet Harman in a topless mudwrestling contest ended Alan Johnson's career as well as his Deputy Leader bid"

"The competition for Deputy Leader of the Labour Party always included a bit of mud-slinging"

"No rock act could draw as big a crowd as Vanessa Feltz & Judy Finnegan topless mudwrestling"

"In Trumpton: The Musical, the casting for Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert, Dibble & Grub was odd to say the least"

"Gordon Brown's first problem as PM was tackling the reappearance of mad cows in the South West"

"Later, in hospital, the boys finally told the girls that you don't have to spell Y.M.C.A. all at once"

"The splinter group of the Guardian Angels protected commuters by using sex as a weapon"

"The Guardian Angels' latest tactic for protecting London's commuters was to distract muggers by posing in lingerie"

""Read my lips...the lady's NOT for turning" she wailed just before the lesbian karate expert forced herself on her"

"If you keep moving down the street, they briefly form the Channel 4 logo, and then they look randomly silly again"

"I'm sorry sir, but as I keep telling you, we don't do hold-ups, we don't do stick-ups, we only do push-ups!"

"...and I keep telling you sir, we don't do hold-ups, we do push-ups!"

"Now I'm gong to ask you again, are stripes in or out this season?"

"By making a party feature of their underarm yeast infections, the siamese twins could lead relatively normal lives"

"Sadly, the burlesque stripper inside the cake spontaneously combusted, before she could make her big entrance"

"The relief was obvious when Missy's giant suppurating armpit boil was finally lanced by Naomi"

"Despite being voted 'Best Dressed Butchers' for the ninth year running, they couldn't understand their poor bacon sales"

"The stag party suddenly sobered up when the "weird space hopper" stopped squealing & burst under their combined weight"

"The motorcycle display team wished they'd worn more appropriate safety gear after the collision with the farmer's lorry"

"Tarantino's reworking of Babe the Sheep Pig upset children the world over"

"Jordan's new vehicle angered the greenhouse gases brigade"

"The men with really long white penises were hard to find, but finding men willing to hold the other ends was even harder"

"Jordan's Phwoar Wheel Drive Sedan drew admiring glances"

"The new PopeMobile was diamond hard and protester proof"

"The cameraman liked to take the Ruff with the smooth"

"On the set of the sadly never to be finished movie "James Bond and The Living Footlights""

"Classy Lass WLTM Gullible Man for romance & kisses & a meaningless marriage to promote her 'career'. NO timewasters!"

"The title for the honeymoon programme afterwards "Totally Jodie Marsh: Like wanging a welly up the high street""

"The father of the bride said "I can't give you away, if you've already chucked it at them for free!""

"The father of the bride said "I can't give you away, if you've already chucked it at them for free!""

"The first three in the queue were so desperate, they didn't care that she wasn't wearing a veil"

"In a bid to outdo the competition, the 'living statues' dotted around the city centre were getting more elaborate."

"It's not everyday you see a cheap tart on top of an expensive wedding cake"

"The GMTV production team try to stop Lorraine Kelly making a tit of herself on their karaoke night out"

"Instead of wearing her usual 'comfortable shoes' sapphic singer Marija needed help wearing glam heels for the first time"

"Unlike Scooch, when Marija forgot her words, she had her backing 'whistlers' to cover up for her"

"The Serbian entry knew she could rely on the support of her neighbours to win Eurovision"

"Ageing diva, Liza Minelli, needed an entourage to help her stand up "

"The contestants for 'Britain's Least Tanned Woman' eyed the break in the clouds warily"

"Can't...write...comedy...keep...getting...distracted...must...think...something...dull...ah, Chris Norman, that's better"

"Ramsay upsets the French with his Mousse-kateer impression"

"S'cuse my French - Gordon's new F word leaves him with (chocolate) egg on his face"

"The Wetwang Welly Whanger's Barbershop Quintet were 'pushing the envelope' in the Final round with their Ode to Hitler"

"The early rounds of the German reality show 'The Reich Stuff' were always filled with useless Hitler impersonators"

"When auditioning body doubles, Hitler would sometimes hang his head and wonder where they found these people"

"Day 1 at Waiter School was when they used mime to learn how to hold a tray"

"Despite suffering 'playstation thumb' the OAPs from Frinton were proud winners of the Ninja Nympho Death game marathon"

"By 2025, Take That were on their 12th come back gig, only this one was in the Skegness Butlins knobbly knees contest"

"The Penge Allotment Society were gutted after forgetting to bring their barrows to the National Wheelbarrow Race Finals "

"The balloons had helium in them, but the Chancellor's belly was full of hot air"

"As his friends create a colourful diversion, the Artful Dodger steals a little back from the Chancellor's jacket pocket"

"The Chancellor insists that today's youth are integral to his plans to keep inflation down"

"When she took his rabbit head off she saw he wasn't reading the book at all but staring at her breasts like a mad man"

"She felt so stupid when the "giant talking rabbit's" head came off in her hands & she saw she'd bought a vegan instead"

"Pam couldn't understand why the man from PETA was wearing fur"

"The man from PETA would regret asking if he could play with her puppies"

"If the threat of this pillow didn't get rid of the scary rabbit-man she'd have to use the two hidden under her t-shirt"

"If the pillow didn't get rid of the scary rabbit/man hybrid, then she'd have to use the giant cheese grater behind her"

"Pammie tried desperately to fend off the nasty book with WORDS as well as pictures in it!"

"The record attempt was ruined by some bright spark's idea to fill the hoppers with helium"

"Because they were all under the age of 30, none of them knew how to use a space-hopper properly"

"Before we start, who HASN'T got their commemorative David Beckham Golden Ball? Ah, the lady in green down at the front!"

"Tears turned to laughter when instead of an Alien bursting out of his stomach, it turned out to be funnyman Robert Webb!"

"She hadn't quite grasped the point of the identity parade, and simply picked out the bloke she fancied most"

"The amazing camouflage enabled him to catch his unsuspecting wife and his 'best' mate red handed"

"They couldnt' wait to throw the wee-wee water bombs they had just filled at the hecklers in Row D"

"Russell was in agony during the "See how big your foreskin stretches when you pinch it and then wee" competition"

"Beauty secrets of the rich & famous #17...get your hair properly stood up on end by bouncing up & down on your own balls"

"Batman had left it so late to do his laundry that he was wearing his pants inside out over his tights"

"It was obviously laundry day in the Batman household as he had his Paddington Bear pants on over his tights today"

"They were shocked to hear WonderWoman and BatGirl gossiping and giggling about Spiderman's enormous willy"

"They couldn't believe their eyes...Spiderman had one of Wonder Woman's bras in his washload"

"They were outraged by the Levi's man wearing boxer shorts on the inside of his trousers"

"Press shift & X, then right click and it opens up the cheat menu...see, leave club mid season, sex with your PA..."

"Press shift & X together & left click and your player lashes out at an Argentine and gets sent off - it's SO lifelike!"