PROFILE

""What are they up to?" "Nun of your business!""

"NUN 1: Your conker hasn't got a chance - I blessed mine just this morning! NUN 2: Well I blessed mine TWICE!"

""They're not real nuns - you can tell by their conkers.""

""Here was me thinking I'd dodged a bullet by transferring off the Death Star and then these subway bombings start up...""

""Y'know what? Don't blame me. I'M not the one who wanted five more minutes in bed...""

""Those totally WERE the droids we were looking for...""

""The boss is going to kill us if we're late. No - seriously. He WILL.""

""Can I have the window seat?""

""Attention all commuters - the 10:15 to Hoth has been delayed due to an Ewok on the track...""

"Woman looks nonchalant after using the old "you've already checked my ticket" jedi mind trick..."

"London increases security after the latest spate of terrorist attacks..."

"For once Lily doesn't have the biggest gob in the place..."

""Isn't it typical - you go out and bump into someone else wearing the exact same outfit...""

""Hey ladies - nice handbags...""

"Prostitutes were just getting lazy..."

"Prostitutes were just getting lazy..."

"It puts a spin on the "I've got nothing to wear" complaint..."

"The Crystal Maze returns with a saucy new image..."

"The music didn't improve when the Smashing Pumpkins reformed, but the groupies sure did..."

"With JK Rowling in hinding, angry fans seek someone to blame for how the series ends..."

"After the latest terrorist attack, the police arrest some unlikely suspects..."

"Daniel and the rest of the cast fall prey to a heady lifestyle of drink, drugs and vandalism..."

"Many thought Harry would die in the last book, but none suspected he and his friends would be executed..."

"Snoop Dogg and Lil' Bow Wow had the Pussycats backed into a corner. Tonight the age old war would come to an end..."

"MIDDLE DOLL: Just turn your back on them and they'll go away..."

"The "Dance Like Tina Turner" competition was hotting up..."

"Realising they were supposed to sing live, the Pussycat Dolls attempted a mammoth game of musical statues instead..."

"Wet weather and poor electrical work spelled the end for the Pussycat Dolls..."

"The Invisible Man had perfected his five-way simultaneous bum pinch..."

"Oasis' tour t-shirts were novel, that much was true..."

"Oasis' rendition of "Fuck Tha Police" didn't go down well..."

"Liam was supposed to scarper when the sirens started, but couldn't resist a photo opportunity..."

"Officer Gallagher goes undercover at a Steptoe & Son convention..."

""That's lovely, Gary Barlow - now where's the sexy girls?""

""So which one of you is Elton John?""

"The Spice Girls hold up the flags of the countries they've been banished to..."

"The United Colours Of Bints..."

"The UN dumbs down in a bid for popularity..."

"Oh dear God no..."

"Channel 5's "When Pamphleteers Go Bad"..."

"Cheeky Girl 2 had enough of Cheeky Girl 1's cheek and started a bitch fight..."

"The "Street Fighter" movie sequel was as ropey as the original..."

""What d'you mean I'm not a 38DD?! FEEL MY BREASTS!""

""No, HONESTLY sir, we CAN'T accept a chip and pin card without the pin number...""

""Can I help you, sir?""

""Tight stripy top?! Panda eyes?! Why, it's the Emo Bandit!""

""Yes, Mr Gervais - those seem perfectly normal...""

""Cringing are you?! Well, now you know how your audience feels!""

""You've got a lovely bum. Go on - give us a kiss...""

""...and what was with you in Night At The Museum? You were RUBBISH!""

"Budget cuts meant the gun sounds had to be performed vocally..."

""Aren't you that bloke from Seona Dancing?""

""Aren't you that bloke from The Office?""

"GERVAIS: It's really hard to pee when you're standing right there..."

"Ricky Gervais caught urinating near an army base..."

""Scanners" is remade with an all-star cast..."

"What Amy Winehouse's wedding lacked in class, she made up for in cake..."

"The Mentos and Cola cake was ill-advised at best..."

"The wedding was ruined when two guests got a bit peckish during the ceremony..."

"Their first mistake was hiring a stripper with a flatulence problem..."

"Shakespeare's Sister reform with a whole new line-up..."

"Pan's People relax after their interpretation of Dire Straits 'Romeo & Juliet'..."

"The orgy didn't live up to it's promise..."

"Cleese chuckled to himself - ruffles and feathered caps were SO last season..."

"There was a real dud amongst the Shakespeare impersonators. For a start, he didn't have a dog..."

"Big star or not, it was still unnecessary for Beckham to get piggy-backs everywhere..."

""Fifty quid if you kick him up the arse...""

""Okay okay - I believe you. Those ARE buns of steel...""

""Stay back, lads - it's going to blow...""

"Badminton wasn't the only thing Blair was unsuited for..."

""I thought we were playing basketball, Tony?""

"The all-female remake of 'Reservoir Dogs' was let down by the director's insistence on casting himself in the movie..."

"Quentin and Rosario had both brought their own life-size hand puppets..."

"Madonna was looking rough in her new Vogue video..."

""One of these things just doesn't belong here, one of these things just isn't the same...""

"'Frankenstein' was sexed up considerably for it's newest incarnation..."

""Y'see Kirstie - it's really all about Flirtation, Flirtation, Flirtation...""

"The quick shag in the bushes seemed like a good idea at the time..."

""Dyou think we'll be too late for Trinny and Susannah's bra fitting event?""

"Never to be outdone, Jennifer matched Kirstie's bra t-shirt, and added feathers..."

"Jennifer knew she'd got SOMETHING wrong while getting dressed that morning..."

""She won't get off it. I turned the hose on her, but I think she liked it...""

"The Wedding boiled down to what really matters to a bride - the dress and the cake..."

"The other Masterchefs were going to be hard pressed to beat Dave's wedding cake with life-size edible bride..."

"The float was ready, but where was the parade?"

"Jodie was so concerned with her dress that she forgot to invite anyone to the wedding - even the groom..."

"It was her first time as a stripper, so she didn't know she was supposed to burst OUT of the cake..."

"A perfect example of what happens when you let the groom organize the cake..."

"Jodie had a radical take on the notion of the 'virginal bride'..."

"It all turned nasty when Scooch started hurling abuse from the crowd..."

"Girls Aloud's reunion tour of 2017 was interrupted when a drunken Sporty Spice blundered onto the stage..."

""Leave it Marija, she's not worth it!""

"'An Audience With Joe Pasquale' goes pear-shaped when Stewart Lee accuses him of plagiarism again..."

"Tony grimaced as the truth dawned on him - Cherie had betrayed him to the anti-war protesters..."

"With his PM days behind him, Tony takes up his new role as a sex slave..."

"Embraced in a hug, the old lady saw her opportunity and went for his wallet..."

"Despite criticisms, the response to Simon Cowell's Sex-Factor auditions was astounding..."

"The groom wasn't at all annoyed that his mates had overbooked the strippers..."

""And I bet no-one has the guts to take their TROUSERS off as well...""

"Derren Brown had finally used his powers for evil..."

"The large-scale strip poker game was his best idea yet..."

"The Women's Rights Marches as re-imagined by Benny Hill..."

"All the toilets needed was a real man to unblock them..."

"GORDON: You've got a little something on your face..."

"Gordon laughed, but moments later, Dawn mistook him for a chocolate orange and bit his face off..."

"The Mister Universe competition circa 1947..."