Comedy Ladder Position: 18=
Points: 19
Hand on his semi-permanent erection he pressed his good eye to the cold glass, peering through the angry rain momentarily forgetting that the condensation had been wiped off with Granddad's pants from the laundry basket. Po-faced Clerics by the score drove noiselessly by, side lights only, some on wobbly bicycles; 'News of the World' vicars, whose dirty deeds were done in the name of the Father, the Son and Teacher's '10 year old'. I felt a cold hand on my shoulder as an octogenarian grandma passed away in the next room, her will un-writ and nothing left to leave but her pension book. Six months later her family, still blessed by the faint murmur of urine, remembered happier times when she would laugh and fart after losing to the cat at rummy. One ancient priest loomed up to the window and peered in, his open mouth full of broken teeth and golden glints in the reflected light from his bicycle lamp. I had sunk to my knees holding my own stiffness resolving to head off as soon as he was satisfied that no teenage virgin lay sleeping, waiting. Fornication between Beelzebub and an 89-year-old corpse followed and partly satiated I disappeared into the night. How was it for you? Comfy in your bed are you? That was a party political broadcast on behalf of the Conservative Party.
This man is an evil killer but he does feel remorse for his victims...
Sarah receives a phone call at her Office Christmas Party...
Take it easy...
More than one way to hold on!
Once the Producer looks into his eyes, that's it!
The cat was called "Pansy" (well, that's what those nasty boys shouted at me)
Happy New Year from a true Scots cat!
One of the boys is really a cat, but the problem for Headmaster is, which one?
The cat was called "Pansy" (well, that's what those nasty boys shouted at me)
"Are you sure this is Epsilon Gamma42? The vista doesn't look right..."
"The black woman was used to displays of "white supremacy" but this was ridiculous..."
"Remind me of our mission... Find London... find Ken Livingston... blow off his ass"
"It was enough to make Boris Johnsons wig fall off"
"The new law that all attractive women must walk around naked is enough to finally bring David Nixon back from the grave"
"The boys played a game to see who'd got the biggest truncheon!"
"...yeah, like a rabbit, really ... yeah, lovely pair, what can I say... shall we have another round, lads?"
"We're just amazed at how two ordinary guys can put on such a great show... I mean Geldof and Bono of course..."
"And round the back of Madame Tussauds, we find a load of old dummies no longer required ready for the tip"
"As he opened the Tardis door the Doctor surveyed the biggest threat to Earth since the daleks"
"Critics said the girls careers were flagging a bit"
"The girls reform to become the latest 'face' of Old Spice"
"X marks the spot where I'd bury these old Spice"
"One WAG with a flag; other rhyming words to consider: bag, sag, drag, slag... "
"Five career girls flag-waving or is that five flagging careers?"
"Five career girls flagging or is that five flagging careers?"
"...er Arnie, isn't that Paris Hilton coming straight at us in one of your old Hummer jeeps..."
"TWO darling, there are only TWO nutters behind me.. hopefully Posh and Bex will keep out of that Scientology nonsense.."
"A famous 'pair' look on as Bex shines on the field..."
"I said, that Merchant fella is a funny little bleeder isn't he?"
"A dodgy curry backfires in the latest episode of "Pig behind my fly", starring G4 and Hugh Slurry "
"And they said Brian Rix's 'trousers down' gags weren't funny anymore..."
"OK, I'm sat on a toilet with my trousers down holding a pigs head... is it funny yet?"
"Bring her to my tent, washed, peeled ...and preferably de-pipped... "
"Visitors from both the past & future are now a common site in London as Gordon Brown continues to just let anybody in..."
"On this planet there is no audience, only entertainers..."
"Hold up yer guitars... Yay!!!... now yer peni..."
"In this alternate universe the audience pay to perform and the star sits on stage and tells them they're crap..."
"The latest series of 'Strictly Come Dancing' was a real wash-out..."
"Even "World Twister Champions" can get side-tracked!"
"What annoys me, and what she doesn't realise, is that he had that Sunflower up my arse twenty minutes ago!"
"...Wayne, for the last time... it's his ball, and he's taking it home..."
"What do you mean, it's full of cheap laughs?"
"The vertically challenged actor did not feel that his basic human right to dignity had been in any way impaired..."
"The kids had been told to expect "an outstanding World fugure" so were naturally a tad disappointed..."
"This rapturous welcome from the kids confirmed Bex's status as fashion icon and World 'A lister'..."
"I know about veils too... there's Port Vale f'rinstance... "
"Bex wondered at the squiggles on the screen ... wish I could read English too, he mused..."
"The buffet provided by the local "Less is More Healthy Eating Group" was felt to be on the meagre side..."
"mmm, do you eat meat at the week-end, love? "
"Hurrah for the Second Coming! See what Jesus just did with five choirboys and two bottles of whiskey!"
"These girls have just been on "You've just been f****d!""
"These girls have just been on "You've be F*****d" "
"These girls have just been on "You've been F****d!""
"I'll just slip the twenty down here then... thanks"
"Oi, stop it Pete, your hands are warm..."
"Taking his blow up sex doll for a walk in the park was always a proud moment for Pete..."
"A big fat daft thing was mostly obscured by Mr Happy..."
"Come back you bastard and fit my taps!"
"Mop with deformed left hand bags footballer! Must have a nice bucket... "
"I am NOT a cow, I'm a guttersnipe - Ken Russell said so!"
"Rio: er, I loved you in Eastenders! John: er, I think your band is great!"
"Rio: I thought you were the dogs in Eastenders! "
"Rio: I thought you were great in Eastenders! "
"This years politically correct Nude Cheerleaders of the World March just wasn't the same somehow..."
"The League of Gentlemen are just getting funnier and funnier!"
"Success seemed less likely than ever for the latest Spice Girls comeback..."
"This crack squad of Extreme Santas have been drafted in to boost flagging High Street sales..."
"Extreme Santas enforce Christmas jollity in the High Street"
"These Santas are just awaiting Adolf the Red Nosed Reindeer then they're off!"
"So if we put our hands in this pile of superglue we're guaranteed a number one hit, right?"
"This Ugly Sister just won't let Prince Charming near Cinderella..."
"Aladdin and Prince Charming macho-out on pints of Guinness at the local Irish pub..."
"His army mates thought that Prince Williams caviar pies were a bit of a royal perk "
"Of the six party guests Graham had enjoyed the stuffing best..."
"At this years Christmas Party at Taxidermists Inc. everybody had been stuffed except the Turkey"
"Oh no! don't ring me here Kate, not TODAY, babe... mwah! mwah!"
"Unfortunately, Mum and Dad had to sell the house to fund the kids gaming habit..."
"Four street kids join in a WIFI online "Begging for a safe room for the night" game "
"The last four in the World Anorak Contest Final limber up..."
"Some children really enjoying their Christmas toys! ahhhh!"
"The year 2026: Bands died, then Stand-Up died.. now we watch gamers gaming, still the same mean and moody look though.."
"The surprise announcement of Thierry Henry's gay wedding was a Godsend to the paparazzi..."
"There's a guy down the chip shop swears he's Elvis... also at the Deli, the shoe shop, the supermarket, the library..."
"In this parallel universe there are 6 Billion Gary Glitters and no kids (shame)"
"DEATH BY FARTING: The World peanut catching contest had been spiked again by a man with a bag of ball bearings... "
"Santa comes just once a year and these Santas can't wait!"
"Sign of the times: not one present from any of them..."
"The Santa in black shorts had really let the side down (the ones in trainers were just given a stern look...)"
"In this parallel Universe, there are 6 billion Santas and just one kid..."
"David Cameron and the Tories stoop to a new low..."
"Little did Charlie know that his dad was right beside him and about to make the gaffe of the decade!"
"er...9, 10... coming, ready or not... mmm, now where can he be..."
"Hey, my two prawns beats your sea-horse high!"
"oo-er, I told you we're too near the sewage outlet, I can see a flush..."
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