"Wisely, Rooney was flanked by extra guards as they passed the pie vendor."

"Wisely, Rooney was flanked by extra guards as they passed the pie vendor."

"This is as close to a real woman as they'll be all day."

"I just hope Jabba hasn't taken up a whole seat again."

"You can set yourself alight and juggle cats, but you still won't get the attention of a Londoner."

"No, way! You're a web developer, too?"

""Platform 1, all stations to the Death Star, including Tottenham Hale and Cheshunt.""

"Well, it's one way to ensure you get a seat."

"New measures have been introduced to combat train buskers."

"After the collapse of Metronet, the contract has now been awarded to a new company known only as "The Dark Side.""

""Hey, are you going to the Star Wars convention, too?" "No.""

"I wish this was the queue in my Post Office. Instead I get little old ladies who move in slow motion & pay with pennies."

"A recent study suggests women are far more successful than men in job interviews."

"Airport officials should have been clearer when then asked passengers to carry everything in one small bag."

"Excuse me, is this the queue for the STD clinic? Actually, no need to answer that."

"Charity collectors find new tricks to stop passing pedestrians."

"There is often quite a queue outside the 4 Laughs offices."

"ITV try desperately to attract more viewers with a new show, Porn Idol."

"Derek, why is there a picture of you on the Internet with twelve naked girls?"

"MAN: Who knew there were so many Brazilians in London?"

"Foreign nationals queuing at the Swedish embassy."

"Those are some silly looking bags."

"Just to the left of this picture is a lamp-post with several face sized dents in it."

"The Newcastle winter collection."

"Hands out of pockets, please, sir."

"A scene from the never released Harry Potter and the Builder's Assistant."

"Sure, the bank robbing clowns will take your money, but they'll also leave a smile on your face."

"Zip up, Daniel. That's not what they mean by "wand print.""

"The girls' suggestion of using "stripper shoes" to reduce your carbon footprint was not very useful."

"The Pussycat Dolls outline the dangers of climate change through the medium of interpretive dance."

"After this performance, in order to end the suffering of music lovers, the girls where humanely destroyed by the RSPCA."

"There used to be six of them, but one got really bad mange and had to be put down."

"Please, everybody, do what you can to end global warming. So these women will put some more clothes on."

"The concert organisers would soon wish they had put down some kitty litter."

"The Pussycat Dolls tried to save electricty by making the millions watching the concert turn off their TVs in disgust."

"If only the drool of dirty old men was a viable source of green energy."

"The Live Earth concert was powered by Emily Pankhurst turning in her grave."

"The girls start to panic as they search in vain for their poles."

"Some days Charles likes to pretend they hadn't been forced to retire the Royal Yacht Britannia."

"Careful everyone, don't get him wet. Or feed him after midnight."

"Mr Gallagher we are arresting you on suspicion of theft. This charge relates to the misappropriation of Beatles songs."

"After the arrival of the police, Liam felt confident enough to confront the 12 year old girl who stole his ice cream."

"Liam Gallagher: the only man to look intimidating while holding a man purse."

"The ten meter square area surrounding Liam Gallagher has been designated a permanent crime scene."

"It's now clear why the Spice Girls have announced a reunion tour: "Only two pounds a flag, sir. Any three for five quid""

"Critics suggest interest in the Spice Girls is dropping after the group spend a day being interviewed by weloveflags.com"

"Five spice girls, five different continents. Maybe that'll stop them from singing together."

"There is some confusion when the girls are asked which countries they now live in to avoid paying tax."

"One member of the Spice Girls was able to answer very quickly, when asked which county hates you most."

"Victoria had brought her own flag."

"The Spice Girls shocked many with their impromptu flag burning."

"Noooo, keep looking, I'm sure the one with the Maple Leaf is the British Flag."

""How many kids can you bench-press, Mr Prime Minister?" "I'm not having this conversation again.""

"So dere like peeeeepul onleeee smaaaaller?"

"Blair and Arnie push their way to the front of the Bouncy Castle queue."

"Unable to solve their differences, Arnie has an idea: I pick five kids, you pick five. They fight to the death."

"Come on, kids, let's go show those private school kids who's the boss. Timmy, don't forget your shiv."

""Yes, they're still following us. On the count of 3, we run. 1... 2...""

"The Wag, the Mad and the Bad actress."

"Mum, how many boxes is that man standing on?"

"Maybe I'm too middle-class for my own good, but all I can think of is how exactly are they going to put this on their CV"

""Timothy, what exactly did you and the boys get up to on your stag night?" "Um, nothing much, dear.""

"So there are some valid arguments to support people driving large off-road vehicles recklessly on London roads."

"I'm sorry but those berets just make you look ridiculous."

"One of the positions wisely omitted from the Kama Sutra."

"With the cost of steel rocketing, construction companies are considering all alternatives to scoffolding."

"Part of the missing heist scene from Reservoir Dogs."

"No, sir, this isn't a "hold-up", the support-bras are in the back."

"No, sir, this isn't a "hold-up", the support bras are in the back."

"When you say, "empty your draws"...?"

"Yes, can I help?"

"No I will not accept store credit."

"I'm just an apprentice thief, you see. Another two or three of these and I'll move up to florists."

"Gerald? So the job in the city didn't pan out?"

""Is that a guide dog?" "Shut up and give me all your money.""

"The biggest decision facing all myopic bank-robbers: mask or glasses?"

"I'm sorry, but I stand by what I said: those stripes are very unflattering."

"Sometimes Alice would use her shrinking pill just so she could stuff her face on a 6-foot cream cake."

"Nobody suspected Al-Qaeda's exploding novelty cake."

"What a tart."

"Street acrobats and mimes across the country were puzzled by the sudden lack of competition."

"The previous record being 1045, set on stage during a Led Zeplin concert."

"Event organisers scrapped plans to break the nude guitar playing record after fears over splinters."

"Only one arrest was made at the event, when String tried to sneak in with his lute."

"The event proved far more successful than last week's lute playing record attempt, to which only Sting showed up."

"Number 845, you're slightly out of tune."

"Number 1245, stop playing Stairway to Heaven. I'm watching you."

"Hi, is this where the guitar playing record attempt takes place?"

"Well, I was joking. How could I know you'd actually think the Academy Awards would have a Shakespearian stripper theme?"

"No, no, don't be silly. You're not overdressed... So this would be your guide dog, then?"

"Unbelievable. When you call and say we have to pick up "Oscar", how should I know you meant your new dog?"

"The only band ever to have been turned away from the Eurovision Song Contest for not taking things seriously enough."

"Lactation, Lactation, Lactation."

"Unfortunately, the series is cut short after Ms Marsh enters the chapel and bursts into flames."

"The potential suitor will spend his stag night in the company of a decent, kind woman who would please any mother."

"Wisely, the programme makers had erected metal barricades to hold back the hundreds of eager suitors."

"Sensing a sudden gust of wind, the models quickly anchor themselves to their fat friend."

"Well, even the most expensive box of chocolates has a coffee creme."

"Can you imagine Jimmy Krankie joining Girls Aloud? Welcome to Serbian pop music."

"The little old lady certainly wasn't expecting the judo throw."

"Nobody ever suspects elderly pick-pockets."

"Knowing Dawn's weakness, Gordon then smothered chocolate sauce all over his cock."

"The BBC dismiss suggestions that the Doctor Who team have run out of convincing new monsters."

"Doctor, I fear the cloning machine needs to be... tweaked."

"The scientists responsible for cloning Dolly the sheep, create five identical Jeremy Clarksons."

"Miss, can you identify the man you saw in the bushes?"

"Blackpool, 2007"

"The event organisers would like to forget the year they held the Mr Universe competition in Blackpool."

"The flower arranging course proved popular."

"That's right, Jean-Paul, the knit-wear tank top / knotted handkerchief look is huge this season."

"Queue for Jeremy Clarkson book signing event."

"The Germans have laid out their towels again."

"The real shadow cabinet."

"Some suggest the Tory party needs greater diversity in their candidate shortlists."

"Some fashion commentators were starting to suggest the Kate Moss collection didn't live up to the hype."

"Blue and Yellow? Where are those Red balloons I sent you?"

"If only James Stewart had thought of that."

"Pamela Anderson's latest leaked sex-tape had some distrubing new twists."

"Pamela couldn't understand why the children were crying. Surely they knew the Easter Bunny was just a guy in a suit."

"Blair knew it was a bad idea letting Prescott create an ad campaign to promote the 5-a-day policy."

"Mum, Dad, I was feeling a little ill at school so Mr Johnson said I could MY EYES MY EYES THEY BURN..."

"A full refund and psychological trauma therapy was promised to all customers of the London Eye."

"A full refund and psychological trauma therapy was promised to all customers of the London Eye."

"Mr and Mrs Jones couldn't understand why their son swore he'd never return with them to the zoo."

"Wisely, the producers of I'm A Celebrity agreed never to air the Anne Robinson / Gary Lineker bush tucker trial."

"Wisely, Baloo stayed well clear of Mowgli and Kaa's orgy."

"The snake scarf proved even less practical than the guinea pig shoes."

"The Deleted Scenes shocked many buyers of the new Jungle Book DVD."

"Get my agent on the phone. I thought I was promised a duet with Lemar."

"Amy didn't realise the "Don't Feed The Monkeys" sign included KFC."

"You ain't foolin' me. I saw the Lion King. I know ya can talk."

"Amy, would you like to see the lions next?"

"Woman is arrested after force feeding monkey own body weight in Jelly Babies."

"I'm with a really annoying celebrity, get me out of here."

"Amy experiences another drink fuelled hallucination after the red-haired bartender gives her the usual bucket of vodka"

"Monkey longs for the company of intellectual equal."

"Amy consults her hair stylist."

"The Vicar would later regret allowing the local theatre group to perform "Women in Love" at the summer fete."

"Rule 76 of Fight Club: Don't complain if you arrive late and miss the canapes and white. This means you, Quentin."

"Rule 62 of Fight Club: Please don't scuff the parquet floor. The vicar gets awfully cross."

"Uh, no, this is the Medieval Pottery and Stoneware Club. You want Fight Club, down the hall and left at basket weaving."

"Uh, no, Kate, it's not like that. Giles slipped over and as I was helping him up, I also fell. And... my pants flew off."

"Come on, everyone. Let's all pile on Geoffery... what?"

"No! Honey, I swear, this isn't what it looks like. Really, it's just some harmless gay sex."

"Ok, Ok. Rule number 127 of Fight Club: No you can't have five minutes to call your stock broker!"

"Rule number 84 of Fight Club: Absolutely no giggling."

"The Ultimate Fighting Championship's accountant and bank manager division was short lived."

"I don't like this I don't like this I don't.. Wow, he has very soft skin... I DON'T LIKE THIS I DON'T..."

"Rule number 23 of Fight Club: No cashmere sweaters."

“crake had numerous excellent entries in this caption comp, but this one's stark juxtaposition of Fight Club and cashmere sweaters really got us giggling. Kudos for avoiding any gag about Alien too! A Peep Show box set will be winging its way to crake soon! ”   (cnorman)

"Uh, miss. Sorry. That's not your white stick."

"Wow! These Russian mail order brides are such cheap dates! One lousy flower and three cans of Tennants. Result!"

""Hi. I'm SexxyBody69 from desperateandlonely.com. You said to look for the girl with the flower" "Um, no speeke inglish""

"Most women wouldn't be too happy with one flower on their 10th anniversary. See, there ARE benefits to dating a junkie."

"Mr and Mrs Smith did well to hide their disapointment; it was the worst ever Ground Force makeover."

"Look at them, sickening. On their little date, with the flowers and the smiling and the ironed clothes. I'm so lonely."

"A scene from the first five minutes of Peep Show everyone misses, because they're still humming the theme tune."

"The stalker is soon spotted by his Ex. The camouflage jacket he found on Ebay proving highly unsuccessful."

"No, it's still OK. Maybe her ex just wants a chat. He brought flowers, so what? I give my mum flowers. I don't fancy her"

"Maybe if I give her this one flower she'll forget about the romantic weekend in Rome I promised... Is that a suitcase?"

"Sorry, I ate the chocolates. And the rest of the flowers. I have a problem."

"Awww. You've picked a sunflower for me. Out of my garden. How cheap of you."

"Ha! Doesn't she know the giving of flowers is just a subconscious querying of her fertility and child bearing potential?"

"Aww. Thank you. That's so sweet... But you'll have to do better than this to get in my pants. Maybe I'll loosen my scarf"

"No, you don't understand. I'd like you to hold this for me until my other, more attractive girlfriend arrives."

"They say making a good first impression is important for any job interview..."

"The excommunicated Slough branch of the Hell's Angels."

"Kids party planners fired for their unacceptable method of inflating balloons."

"Israel and Palestine find unexpected way to solve deadlock."

"The Space Hop-Off. The age old solution for all Goth arguments."

"British Olympic athletes train in secret for surprise new addition to the 2012 games."

"Still having trouble with the old haemorrhoids, Russell?"

"British astronauts don't last long in the void of outer space, their chosen mode of transport not living up to its name"

"Noel tries hard to stiffle his laugh. "What a pillock! A PINK space hopper?""

"Commuters consider every option to find something faster and less degrading than public transport."

"The anti-breast feeding poster boy"

"No, sir, YOU'RE supposed to smoke the cigar after the birth of your baby."

"The Groucho Marx Nursery and Day Care Centre proved short lived."

"Share prices plummet after Pampers is bought out by the Marlborough corporation."

"The owners of the Nursery couldn't understand the lack of business."

"It was Marilyn Mansons one and only display at the Chelsea flower show. They weren't ready for his dead baby daisy motif"

"When a single thought can send you to hell: Damn! I can see right down the widow's shirt!"

"Dear Deidre, this may be one of the more unusual letters you've read. You see, I have this really hot conjoined twin..."

"Shortly after taking this photo, PETA were banned for life from that particular branch of Tescos."

"The British Meat board fought back, Jodie Marsh was hired to model their bacon pants."

"Was the carrot really neccessary?"

"Craig celebrates with the over used "rocking the baby" mime, Britney Spears version."

"Stan Collymore also liked to celebrate a good goal with some swinging."

"No dingle berry, it's not a literal talking snake, but a symbolic construct to embody temptation... and junk."

"Only one copy of the pop-up bible was ever sold."

"No, you're right, Silent Bob. We do have a brunch date with our business manager before the 10:30 with the accountant."

"Thou shalth not covet thy neighbour's ass? Awww. And she's a real milf too...."

"Thou shalth not covet thy neighbour's ass? Awww. And she's a real milf too...."

"Thou shalth not covet thy neighbour's ass? Awww. And she's a real milf too...."

"Ewww. Dude, you have Chris Norman's number? So it's true he likes 'em big and hairy..."

"Matthew 37.37 And she doth bone an Asian Design major..."

"Dude, we just need to keep looking. There must be something about Jesus being a black man."

"Dude, not one picture."

"All things bright and beautiful... Hey, sing along, tubby."

"And the number of the Beast with Two Backs is... 37"

"I don't see any sailboat..."

"Middle... Milk... Mist... Dude, what kind of dictionary doesn't have "milf"?"

"Middle... Milk... Mist... Dude, what kind of dictionary doesn't have "milf"?"

"Middle... Milk... Mist... Dude, what kind of dictionary doesn't have "milf"?"

"Middle... Milk... Mist... Dude, what kind of dictionary doesn't have "milf"?"

"Middle... Milk... Mist... Dude, what kind of dictionary doesn't have "milf"?"

"Middle... Milk... Mist... Dude, what kind of dictionary doesn't have "milf"?"

"Middle... Milk... Mist... Dude, what kind of dictionary doesn't have "milf"?"

"I don't know, Silent Bob, this is all a bit too far fetched."

"I sure hope Harry wins the Quiditch match."

"No, Jay. God SMOTE. Smote... not smoke."

"No, Jay. God SMOTE. Smote... not smoke."

"I also have to keep my girlfriend's body in the freezer."

"I also have to keep my girlfriend's body in the freezer."

"Art critics were more impressed with a detailed snow sculptor of a sleeping man, but that turned out to be a dead tramp."

"Next Roger started a Vanessa Feltz statue, but soon ran out of snow."

"Next Roger started a Vanessa Feltz statue, but soon ran out of snow."

"Roger also tried making a Vanessa Feltz statue, but soon ran out of snow."

"Roger also tried making a Vanessa Feltz statue, but soon ran out of snow."

"You've got SNOW chance, mate. (I'm sorry)"

"You've got SNOW chance, mate. (I'm sorry)"

"You thought STDs were bad? Try frostbite."

"Due to the usual lack of snow in London's parks, Roger had to costruct his Kate Moss statue out of dog shit."

""Why did you break up with your last girlfriend, Roger?" "She melted.""

"The doctor was puzzled -- what a strange place to get frostbite."

"The next morning Roger woke up with a hangover and soaking wet bedsheets."

"No one remembered inviting Chris Moyles."

"No one remembered inviting Chris Moyles."

"The other Mr Men had decided to blow the charity gig and head for the nearest strip club."

"A bitter member of One True Voice goes to extreme lengths to get some attention."

"John forced a smile. He didn't like to tell them his unusual skin colour was due to severe kidney failure."

"Geri Halliwell has really let herself go."

"Shortly after meeting Girls Aloud and Mohamed Al Fayed, Mr Big Happy Smiley Face jumped in front of a bus."

"Shortly after meeting Girls Aloud and Mohamed Al Fayed, Mr Big Happy Smiley Face jumped in front of a bus."

"The producers of Celebrity Big Brother deny having trouble finding next year's housemates."

"Let's see if you're still smiling after they sing."

"Australia day 2008 will be postponed for the Shark Massacre Memorial."

"Where are those bloody stingrays when you need them?"

"Due to a very slow news day, Bristol man makes headlines after he is pleasantly surprised by supermarket 2 for 1 special"

"In a similar move, single plumbers will advertise their availability by printing their faces on toilet seats."

"Critics cynically suggested that putting the pictures on packets of lard would be more fitting."

"Today, I have been mostly drinking milk."

"As an alternative to the government's Traffic Light labelling system, pictures of fatties are put on items with high fat"

"Gold Medal winners in the Royal Sperm Donation Society's quantity award."

"I thought I was paying 100 Euros for a night IN the Paris Hilton. What a rip off."

"Paris regrets attending the autograph signing event without makeup."

“crake joins fellow comedy luminaries on the Comedy Ladder after this well executed caption. Simple, but very funny!”   (cnorman)

"Police chief has suspect for countless crimes against good taste and decency."

"Nature Documentary Filming 101: How not to film the brown bear."

"The oldest newsroom practicle joke: leaving the microphones on top of the radiator."

"Winner of the World's Most Embarrassing Dad Dancing 2006. Judged by analysing the shade of red his son's face went."

"Reporter Steve Plink fakes a seizure, hoping to make the next edition of It'll Be Alright on the Night."

"Unfortunately, the station only had procedures to cope with killer bees invading studio A."

"As the new commentator predicts, O'Sullivan DOES miss the red."

"Strangely, David Attenborough's replacement experiences little success."

"Tonight of FIVE: When Reporters ATTACK!"

"America: Where even Karaoke is a contact sport."

"The problem with interviewing marrathon runners."

"Reporter regrets choice of location for report on hurricane."

"New Newsround reporter criticised for interviewing technique."

"MISTER PRESIDENT HOW WAS THE HEART BY-PASS OPERATION!!!!!!!"

"Winner of the World News Reporter and Weathergirl Games 100m relay event."

"The American Jeremy Paxman."

"A student of the Bruce Lee interviewing technique"

"Besides Britney Spear's recording career, this was the first time a microphone had been used as a weapon."

"When Reporters Go Bad"

"Man fails to break record for the world's biggest house of cards after last minute interview."

"Library interview does not last long."

"Short Lived Fad #43: Karaoke Karate"

"In yet another cruel twist, a black panther is released into the house. Jade is mauled to death, her entrails devoured."

"After mastering G, the tricky 7th letter of the alphabet, Jade's brain is full and she forgets how to close her mouth."

"Jade is slightly surprised to learn Leo Sayer is not technically a Hobbit."

""There are Cameras!?!?!?!""

"Ooohh, I gets it nah. The Copenhagen interpretation of quantum theory is really just about the duality of light an stuff"

"No, Jade, you've got them the wrong way round. Tony Blair ISN'T the frosties mascot."

"2.05 PM. For seven hours now, housemate Jade has been captivated by a dripping tap."

"2.05 PM. For seven hours now, housemate Jade has been captivated by a dripping tap."

"I believe it was the German philosopher Schopenhauer who said..."

""I'll make you look just like that actress. What's her name? Marilyn Manson.""

""1, 2, 3, 4. You all know me I'm the office bore. 5, 6, 7, 8. I sit at home all night and master--""

"The US army deny they're having trouble finding suitable new recruits."

"Ever felt uncool or sad? Then stand next to these guys and feel your self-esteem flood back."

""And next we have the Space Troll marching band... Sorry, that's just the cast of Loose Women crossing the road""

"All over the country, tech support phones ring unanswered."

"In keeping with the Panto theme, small kids where hired to shout "boring" throughout the ceremony."

"I don't think this is what Christina Aguilera was singing about."

"A spokesman for the Las Vegas wedding industry was heard calling the ceremony "tacky and tasteless.""

"Not to be outdone, Elton John arrived dressed as a Nazi cowboy."

"And to think most people have to wait thirty years to be embarrassed by their wedding clothes..."

"Unsuccessful business ideas #153: Panto bouncers."

"Matt, shall we go put on the costumes now?"

"That's one genie you'd have trouble getting out of the bottle."

"Matt, you don't think this is all a little camp, do you?"

""Heh, well I'm not going to tell her I'm a puffin""

"This is not the first instance of human-penguin love. Many a flightless bird has awoken hungover next to D Attenborough."

"Three years at the Royal Shakespeare Company for this? Why can't people see past the feathers?"

"Miss Murphy was the first, and so far only, Hollywood celebrity to consider penguin bodyguards."

"For the first time in his troubled life, Billy's All-Penguin-Outfit wardrobe pays off."

"Critics unanimously hailed Blaine's latest performance, making comparisons with Leonardo da Vinci's Vitruvian Man."

"Blaine's latest stunt is considered a failure after his huge head casts a shaddow over half of Manhatten."

"It's the sheer weight of Blaine's ego that makes this wrecking-ball work."

"David Blaine soon wished he'd remembered to remove the loose change from his pocket."

""...and Jesus wasn't even spinning" added Blaine."

"Mr Cruise arrived late after initially refusing to use the booster seat."

"This week on Sex and the Citadel: Knight Life"

"But don't you care about starving Belgian budgerigars? You can give as little as fifty quid a week."

"Maltesers? What do you take us for, savages?"

"A young Menzies Campbell at his first political rally."

"A young Menzies Campbell at his first political rally."

"A bus-stop in present day Swindon."

"Who are you calling nuts?"

"Arnie celebrates finally mastering the tricky skill of balloon inflating."

"Just out of shot, Donald Trump picks up first place in the Worl's Worst Haircut competition."

"And next we have Alice and Brian, both wearing the new Embarrasing Dad line..."

"Ok, we can cut his toe nails now."

"Queen not impressed with new anti-terror measures."

"Blimey, what's she doing with that ping-pong ball?"

"Steve Irwin's replacement is not so popular."

"Ozzy bit the head off a bat did he? That's nothing..."

"Mr Rotten had no trouble with his bush-tucker trial."

"Eye, eye, captain. (Sorry, that was very bad.)"

"I say, Parker, you don't look your normal self today."

"Five ministers resigned today as a man posing as a pilot managed to walk straight through airport security."

"The only man who can look a member of a Village People tribute act with a wasting disease, and still pull a supermodel."

"The hat would probably have made Pete look a little smarter, if only he'd been wearing some trousers."

"Pete lists his heros as Joe Strummer from The Clash, John Lennon from The Beatles and Blakey from On The Buses."

"The Queen was beginning to suspect her doctors might not be monarchists."

"It was a massacre. Blood everywhere. Severed limbs, spilled guts, twitching corpses... Every last clown dead."

"And tonight's episode of Casualty is directed by Quentin Tarrantino."

"NHS doctors prove to be excellent hitmen, killing with hesitation."

"OK, three beds, four patients... eeney meeney..."

""Whoever is humming the theme tune to Hawaii Five-O, please stop now.""

"Only three guns to go around? Typical NHS shortages."

"Coming to a cinema near you soon... GP: Gun Posse"

"A very different kind of health insurance."

""Dag, which one is the Health Minister?" "I don't know, we'll have to take them all.""

"NHS target practice"

"Keep looking, guys. This super-bug has to be around here somewhere."

"My diagnosis: itchy trigger finger."

"Darkplace hospital is one of the few in the country without food complaints "Eat stroganoff, or eat bullets. You decide""

"New parking warden, Pete Doherty, gets off to a bad start, after becoming mesmerised by the white lines on the road."

"Welcome aboad flight 415. I'm your pilot for today, Pete Doherty."

"This whole cemetery is full of people I've killed."

"Liz, this is man's work. You go fix up your hair, we'll deal with the giant floating zombie eyes."

"Telepathic fog troll? Ha! Lesbian zombie nun? Don't make me yawn. But NHS performance check? Crikey, we need bigger guns"

"Not everyone takes the NHS cutbacks well."

"My prognosis? It's time to die."

"Yes, it's straight to Accident and Emergency for him... oh, crap."

"Look, there were only three guns, what do you want me to do?"

"NHS staff become increasingly desperate to cut waiting lists."

"No, you can't have a gun. Just pout -- it'll have the same effect."

"NHS staff fight government cutbacks."

"Yes, we're prepared for this year's carol singers."

"The world's greatest trick or treat costume."

"Question: What's worse than a bull in a china shop?"

"Staff become a little worried at the world's first store to sell only peanuts and buns."

"Yes, I know the sign only says "no dogs" but you're not coming in."