PROFILE

"Wisely, Rooney was flanked by extra guards as they passed the pie vendor."

"Wisely, Rooney was flanked by extra guards as they passed the pie vendor."

"This is as close to a real woman as they'll be all day."

"I just hope Jabba hasn't taken up a whole seat again."

"You can set yourself alight and juggle cats, but you still won't get the attention of a Londoner."

"No, way! You're a web developer, too?"

""Platform 1, all stations to the Death Star, including Tottenham Hale and Cheshunt.""

"Well, it's one way to ensure you get a seat."

"New measures have been introduced to combat train buskers."

"After the collapse of Metronet, the contract has now been awarded to a new company known only as "The Dark Side.""

""Hey, are you going to the Star Wars convention, too?" "No.""

"I wish this was the queue in my Post Office. Instead I get little old ladies who move in slow motion & pay with pennies."

"A recent study suggests women are far more successful than men in job interviews."

"Airport officials should have been clearer when then asked passengers to carry everything in one small bag."

"Excuse me, is this the queue for the STD clinic? Actually, no need to answer that."

"Charity collectors find new tricks to stop passing pedestrians."

"There is often quite a queue outside the 4 Laughs offices."

"ITV try desperately to attract more viewers with a new show, Porn Idol."

"Derek, why is there a picture of you on the Internet with twelve naked girls?"

"MAN: Who knew there were so many Brazilians in London?"

"Foreign nationals queuing at the Swedish embassy."

"Those are some silly looking bags."

"Just to the left of this picture is a lamp-post with several face sized dents in it."

"The Newcastle winter collection."

"Hands out of pockets, please, sir."

"A scene from the never released Harry Potter and the Builder's Assistant."

"Sure, the bank robbing clowns will take your money, but they'll also leave a smile on your face."

"Zip up, Daniel. That's not what they mean by "wand print.""

"The girls' suggestion of using "stripper shoes" to reduce your carbon footprint was not very useful."

"The Pussycat Dolls outline the dangers of climate change through the medium of interpretive dance."

"After this performance, in order to end the suffering of music lovers, the girls where humanely destroyed by the RSPCA."

"There used to be six of them, but one got really bad mange and had to be put down."

"Please, everybody, do what you can to end global warming. So these women will put some more clothes on."

"The concert organisers would soon wish they had put down some kitty litter."

"The Pussycat Dolls tried to save electricty by making the millions watching the concert turn off their TVs in disgust."

"If only the drool of dirty old men was a viable source of green energy."

"The Live Earth concert was powered by Emily Pankhurst turning in her grave."

"The girls start to panic as they search in vain for their poles."

"Some days Charles likes to pretend they hadn't been forced to retire the Royal Yacht Britannia."

"Careful everyone, don't get him wet. Or feed him after midnight."

"Mr Gallagher we are arresting you on suspicion of theft. This charge relates to the misappropriation of Beatles songs."

"After the arrival of the police, Liam felt confident enough to confront the 12 year old girl who stole his ice cream."

"Liam Gallagher: the only man to look intimidating while holding a man purse."

"The ten meter square area surrounding Liam Gallagher has been designated a permanent crime scene."

"It's now clear why the Spice Girls have announced a reunion tour: "Only two pounds a flag, sir. Any three for five quid""

"Critics suggest interest in the Spice Girls is dropping after the group spend a day being interviewed by weloveflags.com"

"Five spice girls, five different continents. Maybe that'll stop them from singing together."

"There is some confusion when the girls are asked which countries they now live in to avoid paying tax."

"One member of the Spice Girls was able to answer very quickly, when asked which county hates you most."

"Victoria had brought her own flag."

"The Spice Girls shocked many with their impromptu flag burning."

"Noooo, keep looking, I'm sure the one with the Maple Leaf is the British Flag."

""How many kids can you bench-press, Mr Prime Minister?" "I'm not having this conversation again.""

"So dere like peeeeepul onleeee smaaaaller?"

"Blair and Arnie push their way to the front of the Bouncy Castle queue."

"Unable to solve their differences, Arnie has an idea: I pick five kids, you pick five. They fight to the death."

"Come on, kids, let's go show those private school kids who's the boss. Timmy, don't forget your shiv."

""Yes, they're still following us. On the count of 3, we run. 1... 2...""

"The Wag, the Mad and the Bad actress."

"Mum, how many boxes is that man standing on?"

"Maybe I'm too middle-class for my own good, but all I can think of is how exactly are they going to put this on their CV"

""Timothy, what exactly did you and the boys get up to on your stag night?" "Um, nothing much, dear.""

"So there are some valid arguments to support people driving large off-road vehicles recklessly on London roads."

"I'm sorry but those berets just make you look ridiculous."

"One of the positions wisely omitted from the Kama Sutra."

"With the cost of steel rocketing, construction companies are considering all alternatives to scoffolding."

"Part of the missing heist scene from Reservoir Dogs."

"No, sir, this isn't a "hold-up", the support-bras are in the back."

"No, sir, this isn't a "hold-up", the support bras are in the back."

"When you say, "empty your draws"...?"

"Yes, can I help?"

"No I will not accept store credit."

"I'm just an apprentice thief, you see. Another two or three of these and I'll move up to florists."

"Gerald? So the job in the city didn't pan out?"

""Is that a guide dog?" "Shut up and give me all your money.""

"The biggest decision facing all myopic bank-robbers: mask or glasses?"

"I'm sorry, but I stand by what I said: those stripes are very unflattering."

"Sometimes Alice would use her shrinking pill just so she could stuff her face on a 6-foot cream cake."

"Nobody suspected Al-Qaeda's exploding novelty cake."

"What a tart."

"Street acrobats and mimes across the country were puzzled by the sudden lack of competition."

"The previous record being 1045, set on stage during a Led Zeplin concert."

"Event organisers scrapped plans to break the nude guitar playing record after fears over splinters."

"Only one arrest was made at the event, when String tried to sneak in with his lute."

"The event proved far more successful than last week's lute playing record attempt, to which only Sting showed up."

"Number 845, you're slightly out of tune."

"Number 1245, stop playing Stairway to Heaven. I'm watching you."

"Hi, is this where the guitar playing record attempt takes place?"

"Well, I was joking. How could I know you'd actually think the Academy Awards would have a Shakespearian stripper theme?"

"No, no, don't be silly. You're not overdressed... So this would be your guide dog, then?"

"Unbelievable. When you call and say we have to pick up "Oscar", how should I know you meant your new dog?"

"The only band ever to have been turned away from the Eurovision Song Contest for not taking things seriously enough."

"Lactation, Lactation, Lactation."

"Unfortunately, the series is cut short after Ms Marsh enters the chapel and bursts into flames."

"The potential suitor will spend his stag night in the company of a decent, kind woman who would please any mother."

"Wisely, the programme makers had erected metal barricades to hold back the hundreds of eager suitors."

"Sensing a sudden gust of wind, the models quickly anchor themselves to their fat friend."

"Well, even the most expensive box of chocolates has a coffee creme."

"Can you imagine Jimmy Krankie joining Girls Aloud? Welcome to Serbian pop music."

"The little old lady certainly wasn't expecting the judo throw."

"Nobody ever suspects elderly pick-pockets."

"Knowing Dawn's weakness, Gordon then smothered chocolate sauce all over his cock."

"The BBC dismiss suggestions that the Doctor Who team have run out of convincing new monsters."

"Doctor, I fear the cloning machine needs to be... tweaked."

"The scientists responsible for cloning Dolly the sheep, create five identical Jeremy Clarksons."

"Miss, can you identify the man you saw in the bushes?"

"Blackpool, 2007"

"The event organisers would like to forget the year they held the Mr Universe competition in Blackpool."