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I am 57 years old and 1,930,400,000 nanometres tall. Until recently I worked at London Zoo, artificially inseminating aardvarks. I was fired when they discovered the process was not as artificial as it should be. They have very cute faces. Prior to that I was employed as toilet paper in a swanky London hotel. Now, the only work I can find is waxing the moustaches of Argentinean sailors in Trafalgar Square. Whilst the money is good, the hours are less so and my Spanish is patchy at best, often leading to violent clashes over incorrectly applied cat wax and conflicting opinions over the pronunciation of "Las Islas Malvinas".
My ambition is to write things that other people find funny. I am a monkey.
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"Despite a glut of speech bubbles, nobody had anything to say"
"In an attempt to reduce carbon emmissions, Stelios launches EasyBalloon"
""Cult of the Holy Malteser" followers hold demonstration to be recognised as the UK's leading chocolate-based religion"
"Having been cast for the upcoming remake of Alien, Robert was disappointed not to get a human role"
"Does anyone have a set of bolt cutters?"
"Channel 4's new Friday night line-up to include "Extreme Ventriloquist""
"Well doctor, it started as a boil on my scrotum and grew from there"
"Unable to find a cake in time for the launch party, Robert was forced to leap out of an extra."
"Him? Oh he's just here to remind me that turning up with a single flower is unlikely to make you sleep with me."
"He didn't want to come but this flower is attached to his foot. The snooker ball in his mouth didn't cheer him up,either"
"Don't get too attached, this is just a hollow gesture. I have to give him his flower back at the end of the night."
""I'd be sour-faced too if I had a sunflower growing out of my foot""
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