"Camilla soon regretted asking for a 'Tango' with her egg-fried rice..."

"The penchant for French women to go 'all natural' was really taking its toll on Harry..."

"Despite a half-hearted attempt to cover his face, fans quickly recognised childrens' favourite, Pob, sat in the stands."

""My mother's superior!"... "No - MY mother's superior!"..."

"Whenever these 'nuns' stepped out in public, people were soon 'on the run'..."

"She'll be saying a good few 'Hail Marys' tonight to atone for a rude hand gesture like that..."

"They were both proud 69ers... And the conkers had won a few matches, too..."

"Hey, aren't you Jet Li? I've seen all your films!... Please don't beat me up..."

"Rooney's love of 80s 'Brat Pack' comedies was all too evident, as he sported a sweater tied jauntily round his waist."

"Wayne felt like Dr. Who as he touched down in a country where the clocks were so far ahead."

"Poor Wayne misheard when Coleen told him that she wanted her own 'career' - and bought her two."

"Diana Ross had taken extra precautions to ensure the police didn't attempt to search her at the airport this time."

"A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away... People were still waiting hours for a train to turn up."

"The boy peering over Lily's shoulder was fed up his parents still had him wearing a 'novelty dummy' at seven years old."

"Lily and friends enjoy watching another little old lady 'struggling with bags from Tesco'."

"Lily wasn't laughing when she saw all the 'big mouth' signs the kids were holding up all around her."

"Lily was confident of making a killing with her new lollipops in the shape of her own big gob."

"That reminds me, I must buy some buns..."

"Simon was glad he'd decided to be eco-friendly and walk to work today."

"As a multi-millionaire businessman, Alan was used to women queuing up to sleep with him."

"Man: Hi, I'm Billy Corgan - 'Smashing Pumpkins'... Blonde: Thank you very much, they're all natural... "

"Okay, we own up, we're not really kids - it's just a fantastic Botox job."

"Kneeling beside Anna Nicole Smith's grave, the kids couldn't resist opting for the traditional greeting she was used to."

"As soon as the 'Harry Potter' work dries up, the young actors are confident they can fall back on their miming skills."

"The kids were disappointed when no one wanted to play 'pattacake' with them."

"Man With Camera: I don't know about you, but I think I prefer Nicole's 'Sexy Back' to Justin Timberlake's."

"The newly-reformed Spice Girls had clearly reaped the benefits of a Trinny and Susannah make over."

"Security was so tight at Eva Longoria's wedding, she was flanked by four ninjas all the way to the church."

"Confusion at the drunken egg and spoon race, as none of the entrants are particularly sure which way the finish line is."

"That's it, Your Highness, now just stick your oar in - you've always been good at that..."

"Charles: One used to row for Eton, you know... Man In Yellow Boots: Him at the back? I didn't realise he was Spanish. "

"Even in today's modern age, some folk in rural areas are still forced to get to grips with outside toilets."

"The Prince's impression of the bomb drop in 'Dr Strangelove' would've been spot on if he hadn't forgot his cowboy hat."

"A decade after first inflicting his 'songwriting' on the world, Liam's crimes against music finally catch up with him."

"Charlie Chaplin gets an ASBO - after performing his 'roll dance' in one restaurant too many."

"This tramp was feeling particularly smug - for the first time in years, he had two coppers to rub together."

"Liam was having trouble getting rid of 'the fuzz'... His electric razor hadn't been working for days."

"Gary: What a shame Supertramp couldn't stay for the party... Harry: She had some filming to do for her new wedding show."

"Gary: What a shame 'Supertramp' couldn't stay for the party... Harry: Her new wedding show still had some filming to do."

"Harry: Where are the canapes? I'm starving!... Gary: Just have a little patience."

"Having read he used to love a crafty puff, the boys couldn't help sniggering whenever they called Harry 'Your Highness'."

"I may be going bald - but at least I can get a wig... You'll always be short..."

"Anticipating it will all end in tears once again, the record company has supplied the girls with a giant hanky each. "

"Like many pregnant women before her, Emma Bunton was having some haemorrhoid trouble."

"Stepping onto the hallowed Corrie cobbles, the girls were miffed not to get the adulation 'Status Quo' got."

"The flags were flying at half-mast on these poles, as the final nail went in the coffin of pop music."

"Arnold was grateful to be among people who were too young to remember his ghastly performance as 'Mr. Freeze'."

"The kids had no idea how politically astute they'd been when they stuck the sign on Tony's back saying 'Kick Me'."

"You kids need to pump some iron to bulk up - and you could start by lifting this 'dead weight' next to me."

"Arnold was doing his best to ignore Tony's immature requests to pull his finger."

"Wimbledon gets off to a troubled start as yet another player refuses to believe their ball was out."

"Competition among ministers to grab a spot on Gordon Brown's new cabinet is really hotting up."

"During a power cut at the Sewage Works, two over zealous workers were determined to break the effluent down manually. "

"At the world's first all male spa, fights were soon breaking out over who was the best at exfoliating."

"Sheila realised the red indian head-dress was a mistake as soon as guys started asking her to smoke their 'peace pipes'."

"The line dancing craze that swept the nation in the mid-nineties makes a very unwelcome return."

"Amy Winehouse's first foray into the world of fashion design was met with much derision."

"With no one wanting to be the biker or builder, it's been tough to get this 'Village People' tribute act off the ground."

"Little Cruz loved to cling to his mummy and pretend he was a fireman sliding down a pole."

"Food and drink was banned at the stadium, but Victoria still managed to smuggle in a couple of melons. "

"Tom always tried to pretend he wasn't with Katie whenever she did her terrible impression of Zippy from 'Rainbow'."

"Brooklyn was mesmerised by the blonde lady's rabbit hand puppet."

"After ending up in pink underpants and red socks, Sam vowed never again to get dressed with his sunglasses on."

"Whenever Brian and Tim hid the girls' games kits, they always 'forgot' their own as well, to avoid suspicion."

"Seal was pleased to see the ladies taking his advice to 'get a little crazy'."

"The performers quickly regretted standing scantly-clad outside the 'Everything For £5' shop."

"John was not pleased at all that he'd fallen for Eric's 'ink on the eye of the telescope' prank."

"With fast food falling out of favour, The Hamburglar has had to resort to extreme measures to make ends meet."

"Yet again, Prince Philip brazenly steps on the toes of someone more important than himself."

"Okay mate, it's a fair cop, the meter's empty - but say it, don't spray it..."

"With no parties or award shows to get glammed up for now she's in jail, Paris Hilton has decided to let herself go."

"Windsor Davies found it hard to let his Sergeant Major character go - even when asking Don Estelle if he fancied a pint."

"Some of the younger Labour Party members show their contempt for Tony Blair - by rubbing their bums on his leaving cake."

"It quickly became apparent that sitting on top of Mount Etna wasn't such a good idea."

"Even Debra Messing was shocked at how camp this year's festival was shaping up to be."

"The girls were quite insulted the organisers had made the cake they were supposed to climb in so wide around the middle."

"Studio bosses were dismayed to see Quentin Tarantino had overdone it with the gore once again on his remake of 'Babe'."

"These butchers thought they were onto a winner selling offcuts as 'Space Hoppers'... Outraged parents thought otherwise."

"Tim was more than flattered when he saw the size of the novelty posing pouch his mates had bought him for his stag do."

"Since they got off the island, the 'Lord Of The Flies' lads still regularly meet up to reminisce about the good times."

"Tyres are so old hat these days - the last thing you want is huge, inflated blobs marring the look of the bodywork."

"Some people are willing to go to any lengths to beat the London 'Congestion Charge'."

"Even four men working together couldn't get Cinderella's flat-pack carriage assembled correctly."

"You've heard of a diamond in the rough? Well, this is something rough, in the diamond..."

"Accosted in the park by a huge crowd of buskers, Piers Morgan started to regret signing up for 'Britain's Got Talent'."

"Since the sixties, many have tried and failed to replicate Phil Spector's 'Wall Of Sound'."

"The girls were amazed to make it through the whole performance without hearing a single shout of 'show us yer g-string'."

"The crestfallen pipe and tobacco enthusiasts had been expecting a different kind of 'smoke on the water' to take place."

"The Medieval Festival finally made the White Cliffs of Dover cool again, after years of being associated with Vera Lynn."

"James Bond was not looking forward to his latest mission - penetrating a rogue group of poncey thespians."

"It was a dirty job, but Beckham was used to fishing out his wife every time someone accidentally sat on her. "

"McClaren was bent double with hysterics the moment he saw Terry's ridiculous eighties leg warmers."

"It's no wonder the England squad have had no success lately, when they're wasting training sessions playing leap frog."

"McClaren is so keen to keep Beckham happy, he's willing to do almost anything..."

"Ten quid says he'll be needing a chiropractor first thing tomorrow morning..."

"As many political pundits have been saying for years, Tony had dangerously over-stretched himself."

"There were chuckles all round when the attractive umpire said, "That'll be fifteen, love" - and Tony got out his wallet."

"The dads and sons badminton tournament was always a source of embarrassment for Tim - because his dad was such a banker."

"Surrounded by four gorgeous women, the over-excited Quentin couldn't resist having a quick spank."

"Quentin was thrilled the girls kept asking him for a 'ride' - until he realised they'd mistaken him for Quentin Wilson."

"Herman Munster's fancy head-dress was fooling noone as he attempted to audition for a spot as a Vegas showgirl."

"No wonder women athletes run so fast in these sports bras - they're so uncomfortable, they can't wait to get them off!"

""You look absolutely fabulous!" Kirstie giggled, convinced she was the first person ever to make such a witty reference."

“SethGecko's scathing caption winner really hits the spot with us at 4Laughs. Good stuff. ”   (cnorman)

"I think you've got a bit of make-up smudged on your t-shirt there, sweetie..."

"Meanwhile, there were two centurions on the set of 'Rome' desperately looking for their missing helmets..."

"'Mallet's Mallet' makes a welcome return to childrens TV, complete with sexy gogo dancer for the dads."

"Fans were dismayed to see the latest 'Stargate' spin-off relying too heavily on sexy aliens to buoy the flagging plots."

"The ever mucky Jodie had no trouble finding the traditional 'something blue' to wear for her wedding."

"Everyone agreed it was gaudy and cheap... And they thought the cake was a bit over the top, too..."

"The backing dancers had given it their all, and after the show K D Lang gave them all two thumbs up."

"K D Lang finally hits on the perfect way to sate her 'constant craving'."

"This was the first loan in history where all involved were praying for a repossession."

"Tony had pictured things going differently when he agreed to take part in 'Wife Swap' with the Rooneys."

"They say Tony's aged twenty years since becoming PM, but he still looks fresh as a daisy compared to Cherie."

"It wasn't as bad as Tom Cruise bouncing on the couch, but Oprah still found Tony's granny grabbing antics disturbing."

"The female prisoners were over the moon when they heard they'd be spending the summer in Paris."

"The inmates at the women's prison were all thrilled to be told they'd soon be spending a night in Paris..."

"'Bananarama' weren't the coolest group around, but there's no denying the three girls had a lovely set of hits..."

"As the bright UFO hovered overhead, several ditzy girls thought the sun was out and stripped to their bikinis..."

"Some of the younger 'Women's Lib' members got awfully confused, and burnt their blouses instead of their bras..."

"As an American, Gene Simmons from 'Kiss' felt obliged to insult the 'French'..."

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout..."

"Statistics suggest 'mermaid syndrome' can strike as many as 2 in 5 people who spend all their time at the seaside..."

"The risque design of the knitted halter top did not go down well among fashion-conscious prudes..."

"The 'Alf Garnet' look-alike contest had failed to attract more than a few diehard fans... "

"The 'Mr. Universe' competition just isn't the same since they banned steroids..."

"Well I guess it's all true... He really won't be satisfied till he's had the jackets off our backs..."

"In a pitiful attempt to grab ratings, the 'Grange Hill' writers have decided it's time for Zammo to rise from the dead."

"Remarkably, all these balloons were able to be filled with the hot air Tony and I have expelled over the last ten years."

"The young man on the right was just biding his time, waiting to do a quick 'bunny ears' behind the Chancellor's head."

"If you think I'm big, you should see the size of my carrot..."

"We have stupid plotlines like this to thank for Pam quitting 'Baywatch'..."

"Alice had been told not to go off with strangers, so she had no intention of following the white rabbit..."

"When Pamela's rabbit gets rampant, she often resorts to beating him off..."

"Mmm, there's a good bit of meat on David... But I think Victoria's going to be a bit gristly..."

""Me Tarzan, you Jane"... "No, you Andy, me Jane - and stop being so stupid!"..."

"Tickets for 'The London Eye' were selling like hot cakes, as people went round twice to have a good ogle..."

"As keen swingers, Bob and Susan were used to getting to grips with strange snakes... "

"Branson gets ready for a touch down in the end zone..."

""Gimme a T... W... A" ... "Er, that's the wrong song, girls" ... "No, it's not...""

"After all these years, Toni Basil finally reveals the identity of her 'Mickey'..."

"I'll tell you what, you can play with my helmet if I can have a go with your pom poms..."

"New evidence suggests a zebra who escaped London Zoo in the 70s got up to more mischief than was previously thought."

"So much for copying 'The Great Escape'... I was promised a motorbike... And if it's in that skip, I'm not riding it..."

"Tired of being ignored by drivers, a group of disgruntled zebra crossings have gone on strike, indefinitely..."

"The fancy dress contest at the village fair ended in farce, when all the entrants turned up as Liquorice Allsorts..."

"Amy was determined to emulate her hero Tommy Cooper, by performing the old 'rabbit pulled from a hat' trick badly wrong."

"It was all fun and games, until the lemur got the horn and tried to hump her hair-do..."

"The world's worst 'drug mule' attempts to sneak through Customs with his ridiculously over-stuffed condom."

"When asked how he'd feel if he won the marathon, Lloyd said he'd be 'bowled over'... A second later, he was..."

"Well, it was my New Year's Resolution to shift a stone..."

"I've been determined to shift a stone since Christmas..."

"The Mr. Men and Little Misses just love to crowd surf at the summer music festivals... "

"Desperate for a sugar fix, 'The Borrowers' found themselves trapped in the bubblegum machine... Yet again..."

"The men were only too pleased to oblige when the cute blonde put her hand up and asked to play with their 'big balls'. "

"Helium balloon transport system, introduced to combat pollution, fails to get off the ground..."

"That firm bulge better be your mobile phone, dude... Seriously..."

"As soon as the party popper went off, the former bodyguard let his instincts get the better of him."

"It never looked this gay when Hulk Hogan did it... Oh no wait, it did..."

"After getting in a tangle, the lads were glad they'd tried their synchronised swimming routine on dry land first."

"Roses are red, violets are blue... This flower's a little on the big side, and let's be honest, so are you..."

"After growing the sunflower for months, Sam was miffed his pal gave it away before he'd got a snap to prove its height."

"I don't know about 'Instant Karma', but the Fashion Police are certainly going to get you..."

"Woman, I can hardly express, my mixed emotions... at your hideous outfit..."

"Determined to keep him off drugs, Kate Moss has told Pete Doherty's flunkies to take no chances with 'acid' rain."

"In an early leaked shot from 'Gremlins 3', two businessmen battle desperately to keep their Mogwai from getting wet."

"As the two patients entered the hospital, the doctors all agreed they'd never seen haemorrhoids like it."

"Russell and Noel find a novel use for Jordan's old implants..."

"Morecambe and Wise once closed the show with a version of Bowie's Heroes - it was good, but it was no Bring Me Sunshine."

"And to think our wives said we'd never fit in these again - ha!... Seriously, though, are your legs going numb, too?..."

"Is it a bird?... Is it a plane?... No, it's two prats trying to recapture their youth..."

"Waiting too long between laundrette visits, the students were left with nothing to wear but their fancy dress costumes."

"As Suzanne leaned forward in her ripped jeans, Amanda couldn't help admiring the neatly trimmed bush... "

"Disqualification looms, as this year's Tour De France winner leans forward and is found to have had an unfair advantage."

"Even experienced players were finding this week's 'Spot The Bike' competition particularly challenging."

"The girls were no strangers to riding long things - especially ones they had to power themselves..."

"As Ben and Wayne fought over the best way to start hunting, the little boy in black found the golden egg and won."

“SethGecko ignores Israeli and Palestinian politics in favour of a novel and quite surreal Easter Egg gag! Tippeth the cap, sir, tippeth the cap! ”   (cnorman)

"Haim had been grabbing balls Vinnie Jones style all day - but Rooney was having none of it and head-butted him."

"Most people would say they'd rather die than be seen looking like this - but some men are comfortable in white socks."

"If it gets us adopted by Angelina Jolie, all this nappy rash will be worth it..."

"Hannibal, Murdoch and Face have all been cast, but they've had no luck yet finding a tiny BA for 'A-Team Juniors'."

"The latest 'Home Alone' sequel in a nutshell: a baby smoking, whilst his older brothers drink and risk getting the clap."

"When I was in Spain I learnt Spanish - so I'd better learn American, too. Can you help me sign up for an online course?"

"Distracted by the pretty lights on screen, David failed to spot the arm wrestling match about to take place behind him."

"Later, the lads were dared to raise their kilts Carry On style. But they drew the line at being taken up the Kyber Pass."

"Let the wind blow high, let the wind blow low... Ahh, that's better... There's nothing like a good curry..."

"They can take our land, but they'll never take our freedom... to make prats of ourselves!"

"There were startled looks all round when fans saw the state of 'The Pussycat Dolls' without their make up."

"Disgruntled visitors all agreed 'The Chelsea Flower Show' wasn't up to its usual standard this year."

“SethGecko works wonders with a pretty poor picture to win the Sleeping Dogs caption comp. A Police Academy Boxset and some Comedy Store tickets will be winging their way to the Gecko shortly.”   (cnorman)

"No one was surprised when the dizzy blonde mistook the shoulder pad for an eye makeup remover pad."

"The Elizabethan remake of 'Cheers' was going well - until someone gaffed by leaving a modern day ashtray in shot."

"It became obvious Nelson was drunk, when just moments later he asked Hardy to kiss him."

"As soon as he heard the words 'Dick' and 'toast', Matt Willis had a jungle flashback, made his excuses, and left."

"Fans were gutted to see Johnny Depp had let himself go a bit in early shots from 'Pirates Of The Caribbean 3'."

"All these years later, Charles still cracks up every time he watches footage of his mother saying 'annus horribilis'."

"They say during Jerry Springer's 'I Married My Horse', Charles was spotted insisting the bride was 'just his type'."

"Charles was delighted when news broke that James Hewitt has, in fact, always been sterile."

"Charles: Ha ha! Look at the huge lugs on that guy - whatcha Dumbo! ... Minder: Er, that's a mirror, Your Highness."

"Attempts to keep the new 'Baywatch' movie tasteful and wholesome were met with much derision. "

"The girls couldn't resist the huge bulge in Mr. Bean's bum bag... Several thousand Australian dollars. "

"Oh my God, weren't you in 'The Little Mermaid'? I'm your biggest fan!"

"Here's a lobster to go with your crabs..."

"I think it's our duty as animal lovers to show this lobster a good time before we eat him."

"As soon as the lobster saw Caprice he headed for a hot, wet place... The cooking pot."

"Alice gave them each a pill from the bottle marked 'Eat Me', then waited for Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee to grow big."

"The Racy Butlers eagerly swallowed their Viagras as they prepared for a whole other kind of marathon. "

"After they jokingly asked her if she wanted to get 'fruity', Victoria made the butlers wash their mouths out with soap."

"As dental hygiene has improved, the Tooth Fairy has had to resort to desperate measures to keep her tally up."

"Farmer Seth was certain keeping these prize specimens well watered would help them grow even bigger."

"Right, now bring out the rabbit and let's really get this show on the road..."

"Hands up all those who think 'The Da Vinci Code' was a load of old twaddle..."

"The priests were less than pleased to discover their robes had been over-starched."

"After committing numerous sins against pop music, the Village People go all religious for their comeback tour."

""The stick up ruined our holiday", said the priest with the camera, before he prayed for 'our souls'."

"Chess champions often compensate for the size of their bishops by playing with oversized pawns."

"Once, when Michael Jackson asked for Bubbles, his entourage got the wrong idea and brought him two big bottles of Matey"

"With his footballing career now in jeopardy, Bellamy was hoping to get a gig as a lookalike for the Rank gong banger."

"Footballers are, of course, well known for playing a round."

"Well, surprise surprise, yet another footballer is caught 'swinging'."

"I'm desperate for a slash, mate - 45 minutes each half is just too long to be stuck out here."

"His shirt may have said 'yes', but when he got home stinking to high Heaven, his wife said 'no'."

"The RSPB were alarmed to hear two 'tits' had become tangled in plastic."

“Like the marathon runners pictured, SethGecko also alerts us all to environmental dangers; the environmental consequences of looking a wee bit silly! Good work Seth! ”   (cnorman)

"The rumour is they're only running to take their minds off their girlfriends, who dumped them for being too 'clingy'."

"Ed and Sean had taken their obsession with 'safe sex' a little too far this time."

"Good old rock, paper, scissors - there's not much else to do when you haven't pulled and you're waiting for a taxi home."

"That's right, I've just learnt sign language - and here's a hint what this 'F' means: two words, second one's 'off'..."

"Whenever the lights go out, Ana and Jake both instinctively do their best to get a leg over."

"It was neck and neck as they neared the finish line in the Mixed Gender Hurdles Race."

"Framed photos for faces may look silly, but after winning a makeover, some girls refuse to go back to being 'ordinary'."

"After years of dealing with music executives, the girls were used to having wood held in front of their faces."

“SethGecko follows up his Brand New Brits winning caption by revelling in outright lewdness... just like he did in his winning entry in Brand New Brits! Seth, you'll be getting a reputation! Great work. ”   (cnorman)

"I've already lit my post-coital fag - so it's too late now to be checking if we could've got those dolls cheaper."

"Directors often have to help David Beckham read his scripts whenever he makes a TV or film appearance."

"These two choir boys could never resist a crafty puff at the back of the pews during rehearsals."

"As is often the case with pirated items, Jay and Bob's copy of the forthcoming 'Harry Potter 7' was hopelessly blurry."

"Roger was used to getting the cold shoulder from the women he met."

"Dr Frank N Furter's 'Medusa Device' claims another hapless victim."

"The sculpture was made from two kilos of 'snow'... Or a week's supply to most models. "

"As far as Roger was concerned, he'd met the real Elle - she would've given him the cold shoulder too."

""I've had to hire these bodyguards because I was getting too much attention from my fans", said Geri, "all two of them.""

""I'm still standing", said Elton, "Because I'm aching from my piano stool... And not for any other reason.""

"Chris Martin knew he'd have no worries leaving Gwyneth alone with the now past-it Brad Pitt."

"Rebel, Rebel, your face is a mess... And you two are a bit ropey as well."

"It may look like there's nothing down south, but I assure you I'm this big... In keenness terms - which makes up for it."

"It may look like there's nothing down south, but I assure you I'm this big... In keenness terms - which makes up for it."

"You know what they say about guys with big hands, don't you girls?... That's right, big gloves."

""Bloody Hell, is that Cheryl?" Said Mohamed, "She's let herself go since she got married.""

"The girls weren't smiling once they realised they were the pins in this game of 'Human Skittles'."

"Members of 'The Haemorrhoid Society' enjoy their annual day out at the seaside. "

"No one was surprised when the Gift Shop aboard the newly launched 'Titanic 2' sold out of lilos within minutes."

"As soon as he heard the Sperm Bank pay for donations, Glen knew he had found his true vocation at last."

"This entrepreneur was destined for failure the moment he named his new energy drink 'Man Juice'."

"When you're sexually frustrated, you'll take any chance you can to get your face between two jugs."

"The fairground attendant later regretted standing in this position behind his shooting gallery."

"Oh for fox sake..."

"Coming soon to a cinema near you: 'An American Werewolf In Jordan'."

"One's a fox, who a lot of men dream of catching whilst playing with their horns... And the other one's Jordan."

"Peter Andre was very embarrassed when he realised he'd forgotten to shave again."

"The happy couple's big day was completely ruined when someone dropped a filthy hanky on top of their wedding cake."

""I can't wait to be in America", smiled David, "She's surprisingly fit in 'Ugly Betty'.""

"The Beckhams were extremely perturbed their limo driver had mis-spelt their name on his sign."

""What these wannabes don't know, is I'm actually giving them the finger behind this sign", sniggered Bush."

""And this is what I'm hoping to look like", said the sex-swap patient."

"I won't be needing glue to stick this to the wall, I can tell you..."

""This 'sexing-up' of the Mona Lisa during it's annual re-touch is an absolute abomination!" Said the Art Critic."

"It's all glitzy, with not much to say for itself - in fact, it's just like being on a date with the real Paris."

"With all those groupies we've had, this is the first time we've had our own hands on our crotches for years."

""Can we hurry this along?" said the one-gloved Terry, "I've got a Michael Jackson tribute act booking to get to.""

"When the three of us said we'd need a hand or two to stay upright, this isn't what we had in mind."

"The portable X-ray machines were instrumental in solving the mystery of the three missing midgets."

"The audience were horrified when the pensioner's wig fell off during the Barbie lookalike contest. "

""Okay, which one of you wants to go first? And bear in mind we've only got half an hour till my Viagra wears out.""

"Well, the organisers did promise me the gig if I kissed their shiny helmet... So here goes..."

“The image of Russell Brand holding a helmet was always going to invite troublesome innuendo. SethGecko delivers such excellent vulgarity with ease! ”   (cnorman)

"Unfortunately, Madame Tussauds were running short of wax when they made their exhibit of Russell."

"Fagin picks a pocket or two, and finds a silver trinket."

"I don't reckon much to this new razor - it's not taking anything off."

"I did up all my buttons on my own. Mummy will be so proud."

"As Sly did his war dance, the woman in the next row couldn't resist joining in with a traditional Red Indian battle cry."

"So I just rub my belly then pat my head at the same time? I'll try, but my arm won't go higher than this. "

"I knew I shouldn't have had that fourth hamburger... Oh well, up it comes."

"The Skydiver realised trying to copy 'Mary Poppins' wasn't the best idea he'd had when his umbrellas failed to open."

"The ice-cream man hadn't been his usual friendly self since the breakdown."

""No one calls me a sci-fi geek!" George Lucas screamed at the unsuspecting 'Star Wars' fans."

"An absent-minded Clark Kent forgets to rip his clothes open and remove his glasses before taking off as 'Superman'."

"Another X-Factor wannabe fails to take rejection well."

"Even the guys who guide the planes in suffer from 'parking rage' sometimes, when they can't find a space on the tarmac."

"To manicure, or not to manicure... That is the question."

"Behold 'Invisible Sword Swallowing' - the latest craze sweeping the nation."

"Early reports say the 'dragged through a bush backwards' look is set to be all the rage on the catwalks this spring."

"Charlotte Church had overdone it on the vodka again."

"Okay, PJ, ready when you are..."

"Sex Shop punters found the latest blow-up doll design a major turn-off."

"Drive up to the next window to collect your order, please... Oh no, wait, I forgot to ask if you want fries with that?"

"Truth behind Xmas flight delays: an air traffic controller stormed off after being told he looked 'phat' in his suit."

"Can someone get me a sick bag? I've just heard on the radio here Tony's booked me in for a holiday with the Bee Gees."

"Desperate to get 'down' with the youth, MC G heads into the studio to record a cover of 'Money's Too Tight To Mention'."

""Okay, well that's settled. We'll have the Graduation Ball on Monday. Does anyone have anything to add?...""

"Bob's elephant impression always went down a storm."

""I'm not one to tell tales, Sir... But I think Gordon's made a paper plane to throw at you.""

""Pick me, Sir, pleeeeease - I know the answer!""

"Pull my finger..."

"Umpires do this a lot to the England cricket team. I think it means we're number one..."

"Rio lets John know what he thinks of politicians by showing him the finger."

""I think you'll find this is the best way to eat a Hula Hoop", Rio argued."

"There's a good doggie - now just hold still while I get these fleas out and then it'll be time for walkies."

"Jo found out the hard way that copying 'There's Something About Mary' wasn't such a good idea after all."

""I've had my pole up so long my helmet's starting to chafe...""

"Colonel Sander's attempts to branch out into seafood with genetically modified squid raised more than a few eyebrows."

"Fans of the 'Alien' movie series proudly display their tribute to that classic John Hurt 'birth' scene."

"Patricia had taken her kangaroo obsession too far this time."

"Marjorie was having such a lovely day out in London - until the minature UFO landed on her head."

"Despite her four husbands, Sue has just one child, as it takes them so long to undo their buttons and get their kit off."

""Would you like to suck my lollipop?" Lemmy from Motorhead asked the crowd... Unsurprisingly, there were no takers."

"Record weights reported for newborns, near site of Korean nuclear testing."

""People have always mistaken me for a toddler - so I might as well dress like one", said Ronnie Corbett."

"Orville lookalike contest attracts record number of entrants."

"Well that's Christmas done for another year - three cheers for eleven months off! Hip Hip..."

"Sadly, this bit of festive fun backfired for these pizza boys when angry customers assumed their food would be free."

"This was fun and everything, but I don't think it really counts as a threesome - it was a two and a half, at best."

"No matter what they did, Sly and his wife couldn't shake off the midget stalker."

"Blow this Pilates for a game of soldiers - I just heard my bones crack!"

"Oooh, just wait til I get you home, dear - I'll be rubbing a lot more than your lamp, I can tell you."

"Darren Day announces yet another engagement - this time to Brazilian singing sensation Margherita Prakatan."

“User of the Week, SethGecko picks up his second caption comp comedy point of the week with this witty observation. Further kudos is due for even attempting to spell the South American singer's name! ”   (cnorman)

"See? My mouth is nowhere near big enough to fit these in... Which is why I desperately need Jagger-plasty. "

"I'll be having some fun tonight with these little beauties - I suppose it all started when I saw 'American Pie'..."

"I'll be having some fun tonight - I guess the obsession first started when I saw 'American Pie'... "

"Brendan's first attempt at ventriloquism did not go down as well as he'd hoped."

"Phwoar, look at that Julia Roberts, I'd love to give her a pearl necklace... But I can't quite grip it with my flippers."

“Like an Uncle at Christmas, SethGecko provides the smut! Good man! ”   (cnorman)

"Religious groups were outraged by the 'sexing up' of the Virgin Mary for this year's Celebrity Nativity."

"George was struggling to make up the numbers for 'Ocean's 14'."

"The Graham Norton imposter gave himself away when he was spotted sneaking up behind Julia Roberts."

""I don't think you've got the hang of this auction business - you can't all bid at once!""

""Hands up who's ready for the Booze Cruise!""

""I know that guitar is used to 'cheese' - but there's no need to grate it on the strings.""

""They're huge, for sure - but I think that cut-price surgeon may have botched our penile implants.""

""Ooh, is that a bedpan on your lap or are you just pleased to see me?""

""Time to massage your foot, then"... "Reflexology?"... "You can call it that if you want, dear, yes"... "

""I don't care if it's an emergency, you'll just have to wait in line - but then I suppose you're used to that.""

"William was beginning to regret handing over control of his security arrangements to Starsky and Hutch."

"Four Scottish students take a 'Wii' break from their studies."

"Harrods try to modernise by hiring trendy new security staff."

"After queuing for hours, these little piggies went 'Wii, Wii, Wii' all the way home."

""You've Been ASBO'd" - hilarity ensues as tearaway teens are shown wacky footage of their antics."

"These four couldn't wait to get their equipment out - they'd been desperate for a 'Wii' all day."

"Huddled round a tiny TV to watch Countdown whilst wrapped in tin foil to keep warm - the student life circa 2006."

""One, two, three, four - I declare a thumb war...""

"The world's only inter-racial Siamese twins announce the release of their Christmas single - a cover of 'Stuck On You'."

"The Press tried to put a positive spin on it, but it was clear the arm wrestling contestants weren't trying anymore."

"Elvis Presley's number one fan points the way to the pies - it's what The King would've wanted."

""Someone take those batons off him - that plane's heading straight for us!""

""We like big butts and we cannot lie - preferably this big...""

"Donkey Kong fans pay tribute to their hero with a synchronised invisible barrel throw. "

"The Annual Semaphore Convention was marred by the aging hippy who forgot to bring the flags."

""How big a fool do we all look? That's right. This big!""

"After another full day with children on their laps, The Store Santa's Club take their nightly walk to dry their clothes."

"Onlookers prayed the father who paid a premium to hire the 'last' Santa outfit on Xmas Eve wouldn't look behind him."

"The Emir's 'Noddy and Big Ears' joke usually went down so well, too."

"Charles and Emir spent all day on the throne - that's the price you pay when you chance buying a kebab from a van."

""Okay, now remember to take your time 'raising' fellas, or you know what'll happen.""

"The Atlantis Brothel was badly under-staffed, so the clientele had to make their own entertainment while they waited."

"Desperate for a spot on Family Fortunes, Britney Spears uses her wiles on an unsuspecting Vernon Kay."

"A gushing blonde mistakenly believes she's just met one of The Beatles."

"Panic sets in at The Annual Gurning Competition as the contestants feel the wind changing."

""This sleeping your way to the top lark is a lot easier than I thought it would be.""

""Play your cards right, Love, and you might get to see The South Pole.""

“SethGecko gets a comedy point not merely for knowing that penguins come from the South and not the North Pole, but for applying good old innuendo to the caption comp! Well done!”   (cnorman)

"'The Black And White Minstrels' unveil their new look, sparking rumours of an imminent comeback."

"Brittany has always been a huge fan of 'The Black And White Minstrels', and was so thrilled to finally meet them."

""Well my beak wasn't designed for that, but I'll give it a go.""

"After the divorce, Mickey and Minnie remained friends, and were often seen out together with their new partners."

""Well what did you expect? It was the best the Escort Agency could come up with at short notice.""

"Unfortunately, once Jimmy Saville discovered his medallion was missing, the whole stunt had to be called off."

"As soon as it started swinging, David realised shackling himself to a wrecking ball was not such a good idea after all."

"After being told he'd be 'getting Alladin', an excited George signs up as the villain for Panto season. "

"George proudly shows off the fruits of his 'Fastlove', from his 'Young Gun' days, before he turned 'A Different Corner'."

""This is my fifth ride on the dodgems today - I love them", says the excited little boy in the middle."

"By squatting on the dashboard and pretending to be a 'nodding dog', Tom was confident no one would spot him. "

""Well my therapist has always said I should learn to take the bull by the horns more often.""

"After a drunken Escort Agency call, even Russell Brand had to admit he'd bitten off more than he could chew this time."

"When the Martian invasion finally happened, Earth was surprisingly receptive."

"Gary's stag night had been a disaster."

"It was time for the fancy dress competition at the Village Fair."

"Elton's group were determined to stick to the 'casino' theme, by coming as a poker hand: 3 Queens and a smashing pair."

"Sooty's invisibility cloak was working like a charm as he was carried unnoticed through the crowd. "

"In a deleted scene from 'You Only Live Twice', even the extras were bemused at Bond's ridiculous Japanese 'disguise'."

"The newly reformed Genesis were shocked to spot ex-frontman Peter Gabriel selling hot dogs at their latest concert."

"It was a difficult choice for The Organ Grinder as three contenders vied to be his next Monkey."

""Get your ice creams here... Well just cream, really - they've all melted in this heat.""

"Arnold's celebrations were marred by the freakishly large hail-stones."

"Arnold's pathetic 'Stretch Armstrong' impression is met with a symbolic barrage of lead balloons."

"Alice and Brian were forced to admit they hadn't quite got the hang of their new bricklaying hobby."

"Tempers fray as OAP's are once again told heating costs will rise this winter."

"NHS specs wearers unite at a protest march, disgusted by the hideous new frame designs. "

""Oooooh, that tickles.""

"After hearing he's about to be single again, three women pull out all the stops to attract Paul McCartney's attention. "

""I don't reckon much to these new life-size Animal Crackers. They're a bit chewy for my taste.""

"Attempting to travel incognito as a Traffic Warden was not working out well for Pete."

"After an explosion at a doll factory, several workers get the wrong end of the sitck when told to, "Pick up the arms.""

"Hospital staff take extreme measures to cut NHS waiting lists."

"Events take an ugly turn as incensed hopefuls are turned away at the auditions for 'Doctor Idol'."

""Are you sure this new method of high-speed inoculation is going to work?""

"The site for a new fast food restaurant is identified."

"Pumpkin Wars: Episode I - The Phantoms Unleash Their Menace... Coercing the old to fight the young."

"Fiends: The One Where They All Get Stoned."

"The Annual Tombstone Dominoes contest was about to begin."

""No, we're not going in there for another bag of peanuts.""

"They were scraping the barrel for contestants on The Newlywed Game this year."

"Pete Doherty and Kate Moss get married at last."

""Fearing a wooden performance, McFly attempt to be ironic by dressing as trees""