PROFILE

"I am invincible! The red nun always triumphs!"

"There was a small misunderstanding when someone asked what safety precautions should be taken and got the answer 'none'."

"The nuns enjoyed the euphemism of men playing with their conkers but preferred last week's bean flicking championship."

"Q: So how many matches have you won with that conker? A: None... shoot me now, please..."

"Boss, they keep laughing when I tell 'em I'm a "Rooney"... What? Yeah, the chicken was rubbery last night..."

"Boss, this is no good, they're all talking funny and there's no subtitles..."

"The woman wondered if this was a return of the great soap powder doorstep giveaways of the 1960's..."

""It told you it was quicker by AT-AT...""

""The bleedin' trains ran on time when Palpatine was in charge... ""

"I know I can't believe they bought my new family friendly image either."

"Kelvin had never heard of Robert Mugabe, but he was sure he didn't look that much like him..."

"Yes! My mum does still use a pudding basin when she cuts my hair, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!"

"Lily Allen at Gob Exercise classes got A and a commendation"

"Lily 'comes out' at 'Gobby Cahs' Anonymous "

"The bums begging on Oxford Street got a little more attention than usual..."

"The 'patty-cake' instructions were proving confusing to Harry and the gang"

"No red dye on any of their hands, Dumbledore dismayed that the real hogwarts bullion thieves were still at large."

"When the director told his stars to look younger, it wasn't the result he suspected."

"The new Harry Potter musical number cumulated in the classic Jazz hands."

"The candidates for the new young Al Jonson musical were less than ideal."

"After their lower legs removed the young scamp realised the bandits were serious."

"Jim knew the Corrs needed an image update but the new outfit was begining to chaffe."

"The Dolls attempts at a rain dance didn't go down well..."

""Two of every sort" you say?" Tell you what, do me a favour; don't bring Cammilla - see if you can find Felicity Kendal."

"No, no cheps, I said show me round this dingey place..."

"Do you fellows mind? One is attempting to lay a lawg..."

"On a boating trip the beautiful Princess had kissed the enchanted frog but it had all gone Pete Tong..."

"On being asked to comment on the latest in Portaloo design the Prince suggested a rethink may be required"

"A police presence was required to keep Liam from harassing his fan "

"How about this for a shit sandwich?"

"Coppers nark Gobby Snotworthy does his 'I'm a hardman' routine to the delight of two local rozzers..."

"Janet Street Porter was arrested today for loitering around mens toilets, "I'm Gallagher" she cried, to no avail... "

"Just ignore him PC 395 and he'll go away... eventually."

"Liam asks for directions to the all-england Harold Steptoe look-alike contest at Earls Court."

"The shrub, who had no idea who any of these men were, made its excuses and continued producing oyxgen."

"Pete Docherty was out cold so Liam kindly offered to step in for today's token tabloid arrest photo-shoot."

"Liam's solo career was to begin with a cover of "The Laughing Policeman"."

"Can you guess which officer Liam is attempting to worm?"

"Harry's mind powers had failed him; he couldn't make Marc spontaneously combust, no matter how he tried..."

"Harry wondered if anyone else could see the words "kill them all" in the patterns of Marc's shirt."

"There was hell to pay when Mr Potato Head came clean about his bigamy."

"The new Matrix sequel is said to make 2 and 3 look actually quite good in comparison."

"Never borrow another girl's makeup without asking... especially if it's a giant vibrating lipstick."

"The living guitars were begining to regret crowd surfing as a close to their gig."

"So... how did it go at dog-track, Graham? Win much?"

"Sixth member Terry Gilliam was dogged with illness throughout filming..."

"Woman: It doesn't look very fresh... Man: Oh, I dunno..."

"Do you think it's real, it doesn't look very fresh... what, you mean the cake?"

"The schoolboy looked up to the sky and gave praise: God, you do answer prayers after all!"

"Whoopee! It's just started raining chocolate!"

"This week in 'Animal Hospital' Rolf Harris introduces us to a distraught hippo with a toothache..."

"John Cleese wins the day when The Python Team audition for the star role in "Dirty Wellingtons" "

"Tense moments just before the start of the men's final of the hundred meters invisible wheelbarrow push."

"This year unfashionable is the new fashionable."

"Some X factor contestants will do anything for their five seconds of fame."

"How can you tell these men haven't had it in years? Just look at their wrists..."

"The Last of the Summer Wine episode where the chaps enter a Mr Universe competition had been lost for a very good reason"

"The horizontal stripes were the straw that broke the fashion camel's back."

"Your chancellor's brushoff is no match for my eagle's claw Mr Brown!"

"In an effort to show his femine side Clint Eastwood forgoes his trademark poncho for a pink babysuit and mittens"

"Hugh Hefner and his burnt hands lose out to Barbie Hooters and her Giant Size Panty Pad!"

"Pamela's plan to find out who'd been going through her underwear drawer by covering it in pink paint had worked a charm!"

"Pamela fakes a pillow swing to disguise the "Do I have B.O.?" armpit sniff!"

"This isn't exactly what Dan had in mind when he asked Pamela to beat him off if he started getting horny."

"After Dan showed Pamela his new book, Pamela then showed him her new rabbit killing pillow-shaped bazooka!"

"Pamela wasn't falling for the line "I go like a rabbit"... not again, anyway..."

"The new live action version of Who Framed Rodger Rabbit was the crappiest idea in the history of crap ideas."

"When Pamela asks for chocolate eggs she doesn't expect to be given a sodding book!"

"Pamela showed off a move she'd learned at the "self-defense for girls that like to use their pillows as weapons" class."

"Moments later Ken Livingston slapped the first 'nudity tax' on these two happy Londoners..."

"Two happy Londoners pose for a snap with Ken Livingston..."

"Ken Livingston has travelled back in time and is fast approaching these early 'Londoners' on a giant bicycle... "

"This bisexual cockney snake couldn't Adam and Eve his luck!"

"The rare prude adder was ineffectual at concealing there nakedness."

"They both agreed these new self tightening eco scarves were never gonna catch on."

"Ironically as the snake started constricting Barry's own snake was doing the exact opposite."

"Philip Scofield claimed that magic mushrooms made This Morning so much more fun!"

"The woman was scared at first until some told her to think of the snake as if it was a giant slithering cock!"

"The woman had never had a snake AROUND her throat before!"

"This incident reminded him of the naturist shoulder-carrying race of '87 "

"The binocular stall at the London Eye was a sellout."

"Tourists on the London Eye reported seeing two snakes attacking a woman."

"She likes a tongue in her ear and he likes being strangled. Everyone's happy!"

"I suppose this is one way of getting a mouse out of your ear."

"Richard explains that running Virgin Atlantic is very much like making love to a couple of beautiful cheerleaders."

"Richard explained to the girls that running Virgin Atlantic was very much like making love to a couple of cheerleaders."

"Twins... an airplane... the company Virgin... Richard Branson grabbing his red helmet... TOO MANY JOKES!!!"

"The twins from Fun House had always been attracted to men with blonde straw like hair."

"The twins from Fun House had always been attracted to men with blonde straw like hair."

“JunkMales get a direct hit on the nostalgia nerve to claim a well deserved caption victory. Remember kids, to follow in the JM's footsteps you've got to use your body and your brain if you wanna play the game!”   (cnorman)

"There was a further skirmish at Primark when a number of Jordan's spare breast implants came up for grabs "

"Pals of Kate beat the crap out of Wills with over-stuffed cows udders! "

"The "Grab A Cow & Run" World Championships were thwarted by overly-fragile udder-stomach connectivity..."

"In a parallel universe Jackie Chan and Paul Newman offer an 'alternate' floor polishing service "

"So this is the reason William has dumped Kate!"

"In an alternate dimension Paul Newman and Jackie Chan offer an 'alternate' floor polishing service"

"Yes it is yummy, scrumptious but I've had enough now thanks!"

"Yes Beatles fans are still pissing on me from high walls... I dunno why..."

"Yoko takes time out from her second hand clothes stall to talk about the old days... "

"No, honestly the jacket really did belong to Elvis..."

"John's Ghost was getting tired of following Yoko with the umbrella..."

"Hey, Noel why are our speech balloons coming out of our bums?"

"Revealed at last Russell's infamous ballbags..."

"...mmm, they're not laughing... but the did when The Goons did it..."

"Oh no, Brian Rix is going to catch us with our trousers down..."

"The sheer joy of cycling without saddles."

"...the sheer joy of cycling without saddles..."

"Director: er.. "more naked" please er.. more shorter & freaky that dwarf er.. more dumber that guy in the chair.. er.. "

"The Director of this quality epic can only be the lampstand in the corner!"

"Yeah, you can't instatiate an object like that directly cos it's a base class you see..." U not done inheritance yet?"

"Just ignore the mad bloke with the fishing rod girls, he's been following me since I arrived..."

"In her grief, 'twas only she that did not notice the "silent but deadly" she had just mainfested..."

"Steven and Ando come together over Caprice to the relief of the dish..."

"When I said I wanted black pepper on my fish..."

"Steven and Ando come together over the dish to the delight of Caprice..."

"Steven and Ando come together over the dish to the delight of Caprice, for everything else there's Mastercard..."

"Hurrah for anal sex!"

"When Ed noticed a bubble in the back of Seans cling film, he though that it might have a job keeping that fresh."

"As they ran Ed cursed Sean for poo-pooing his Tupperware Helicopter idea."

""No, Kays catalogue... We always get our suits from there...""

"These Ho's really was 'framed' Your Honour..."

"Real moaner Lisas..."

"The trend in massive earings continues..."

"The girls didn't really grab the right end of the stick when Bill Gates said anyone could get to grips with Windows."

"The one who's holding the frame neatly and sensibly is labeled as the square one of the group."

"This 'odd one out' test was designed to test where Jade Goodie's morals really lie."

"The market trader had promised the girls they were new, state of the art digital photo frames."

"Shaznay still couldn't tell the twins apart visually, but the smell of Whelks betrayed Natalie eventually."

"Celebrity 'the gallery' was a reality show too far."

"For the greats Crimes against Music trial All Saints were defintily in the frame."

"Holy shit! It really does say "Anal sex makes baby Jesus cry!""

"No one noticed the bandstand slowly collapsing under the weight of the snow..."

"Thousands of ET fans were disturbed by their hero "coming out", and in such cold weather too..."

"I'll give you three guesses why this guy got the nickname 'Numb-Nuts'."

"You know what they say: if you can't pull them - make them."

"Three wizards formed a singing trio when they flunked out of school. The hair dye doesn't hide the scar, Harry."

"I don't see 'England Rocks!' as much as I see a rock with lavender growing around it."

"Introducing... The Strawberry Blondes!"

"There's one question on everyone's lips: Do the curtains match the carpet?"

"You can tell that's not the real Elton John because if you yank on his hair he cries out in pain rather than anger."

"Remake of "On the buses": Stan, Jack and Olive... "

"Geri hoped that no-one would notice that she wasn't actually a look a like, thus jeopardising her pub work..."

"Unfortunately the lookalike Marc Chapman didn't turn up..."

"Girls Aloud had only turned up because they'd heard that the Sun was shooting a photo call."

"Wait 'til you see my tongue ;-)"

"Naw, wrong... we didn't say we needed a guy with a big clock..."

"Mohamed Al Fayed was questioned by police after he was seen with someone who had, apparently, taken too much acid."

"New safety measures mean that cross Channel swimming isn't quite the feat it once was."

"Is your toenail varnish still drying but you can't resist going in the water? We've got the answer to all your problems!"

"A3... Damn, you sank my hot chick!"

"The launch of EasyLilo signalled the end of the low-cost air-travel market... "

"EasyLilo was the next big travel success following the demise of the low-cost airline industry "

"The old penny chews known as Juicy Lips make perfect airbeds for The Borrowers."

"A bull shark's wet dream."

"Sid's bottled sperm caused some confusion at the local supermarket"

"Some considered the Milk Marketing Boards use of ugly men to promote milk sales to be misguided"

"Sid's plastic Cremation Urn's are considered the height of good taste in Sheerness... "

"Racism has now tainted the dairy industry when Sid openly admitted he had no black milk available"

"Rodger Rabbit's life wasn't nearly as fun after he went into hiding but he still had something to remind him of Jessica."

"This man's idea for a new and exciting kid's show called 'Bill and Ben the Milkmen' wasn't received with much enthusiasm"

"Part of the new range of high protein dairy products had been unfortunately labeled 'Man's Milk'."

"This dimwit claimed that he'd polished these milk bottles so much that you could actually see your face in them."

"The fox's ears weren't the only things to 'prick up' when the photographer told Katie it was time to take off her top."

"When Katie said she needed a brush, she didn't expect Basil to turn up so promptly. "

“JunkMales certainly show they have an eye for acute observation and a cute gag to boot! Great captioning guys!”   (cnorman)

"A little known fact is that the male fox's genitalia is actually located just under his chin."

"Touch my arse again and I'll blow that bugle..."

""No mate - I havent' seen any Gingerbread men running past...""

"The Launch of Ladette hunting was to prove a massive success..."

"Pete Andre's latest transparent atempt to get the anti-hunting lobby to buy his latest engle failed miserably."

"In confusion Katie thanked the photographer when he remarked 'Your a fox.'"

"The distraction wasn't working and the hunters were just moments behind."

"Jordan began to become suspicious of Peter's fondness for chicken dinners."

"It's customary, when celebrities arrive in America, to be greeted by a performing chimp."

"Bush said the cleverest thing he'll ever say when he asked Victoria if David had a weapon of mass destruction."

"Bush: I like your dress. Do you wear it when you're playing soccer?"

"The only way Bush knew he wasn't supposed to wage war on the couple was to smother them in the Stars and Stripes."

"Just behind Posh and Becks was a giant Uncle Sam head that promptly through up all over them."

"Soccer? Is that like football where you have to kick the ball? You crazy Brits do everything backwards!"

"After the 2 flags failed, drastic measures were called for but still David greeted the crowd with 'Hello Spain'."

""No George, they're your lines, Victoria should be holding the cue card...""

"George Bush was finally pleased that someone else had finally arrived in the country who he could call thick..."

"Actually, I've got a gun in my pocket AND I'm pleased to see you!"

"Someone's put a very amusing joke about Austrian cheese on the back of that picture."

"Do you know what happens to men when they gets strangled? That tie does look awfully tight..."

"This picture has been cropped so you can't see what his other hand is doing."

"The surgeons on MTV's 'I want a famous face' have their toughest challenge yet."

"Look! A woman trapped in a tiny window, where's my potty mama?"

"Seeing the before pictures the '10 years younger' team admits they may have dropped the ball on their latest guest."

"The hairdresser began to weep as he was shown the photo of how the punter wants his hair to look."

"Excitement mount's as the album cover for the heavy rock remix of Max Bygraves 'You Need Hands' are unveiled."

"Old One Arm Joe looked on sadly from the back as the three two armed men won their awards for having two hands"

"Terry Bozzio was regretting his light sabre duel with Darth VanHalen, and was becoming "more machine now than man"..."

"Brian May's hair has now officialy left Queen and is collaborating with G n R on a picture framing business."

"Having a tough time deciding, the judges award the best jazz hands 2006 jointly to all the finalists."

"Old 'One Arm Joe' looks on sadly from the back as three more two armed men are given awards for their two-handedness... "

"No cows were harmed in the making of this picture... honestly."

"Hefner is willing to pay the girls however much it takes, as long as he gets their honest political opinions."

"One of the girls is wearing a Gucci dress called 'White Noise' which, coinsidentally, also descibes her personality."

"Hefner is will to pay the girls however much it takes, as long as he gets their honest political opinions."

"The girls claim that when Hugh's around you're never short of something to polish your car with."

"Derek Benedict only had one true rival."

"Hefner always stands to attention when his girls are around."

"When you've got as much money as Hefner has, you can afford to hire lovely ladies to be your living Zimmer Frames."

"At last we discover the real reason why Frankie Rage has been spending less time posting in the forums!"

"When you've been posing in a sculptress' workshop all day, you find that your nose gets quite blocked up with figurines."

"Mmmm... smells like dick sacks..."

"I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with 'a rub on the thigh'!"

"Russell Brand demostrates how he uses a specially designed chess piece brush to paint on his sexy beard."

"I used to be a heroin addict? Have I ever mentioned that?"

"I don't care what she said about your mum! You can't go around punching mature ladies in the nose!"

“JunkMales add to their Users of the Week accolade with a fine caption victory. Acute observation leads to much hilarity!”   (cnorman)

"I know it's one all with two minutes to go but you really can't go out there to save the day!"

"Never practice your superhero poses in front of a two way mirror"

"Kevin quickly realised that by using the mic after Jason Mewes, he had unwittingly "gone ass to mouth""

"Danielle had no idea she was stood behind a Shirehorse until it farted..."

"Danielle regrets taking the advice that the best way of getting toast out of a toaster is with a bit of wet copper pipe."

"This is what Danielle looks like in the morning after having too much 'Sherry'."

"The new Jade dustbins were a flop, people couldn't get used to rubbish going INTO her mouth."

"A nasty case of Tetanus means that Jade can now literally not shut her mouth."

"The other housemates tell Jade what it really means when someone tells you your Latin name is 'Ick-fay Ig-pay'."

"Jade was enjoying the game of 'catch the peanut' until the elastic bands came out."

"I'm not sure what sharp thing Jade sat on but I'm pretty sure it wasn't her wit."

"John Reid, he's me homie, isn't it!?"

"Just remember something for the future lads: a vote for me is a vote for homies everywhere!"

"Well, I can see that you've got the need for a grant but I've just got one question for you. Who's hipper me or Tony?"

"Tony, Tony! Your views are pony! You've fuckedup the war - now you're on your owny!"

"Sir! Gordon keeps asking me to pull his finger!"

"Is there a doctor in the house!?... No Bob - that's what's called 'a joke'."

"Right, now we need an Irishman and a Scotsman to be in the joke. Any volunteers?"

“JunkMales corner their third point of the Comedy Ladder campaign with a gag within a gag, like a matryoshka Russian doll within a doll!”   (cnorman)

"What's your position Mr. Ferdinand?... I've never heard of defender? Mine's reverse cowgirl but then who am I to judge!?"

"See this John? Boot polish - you should try it."

"Ironically John, although my name is Rio, I've never actually been there."

"As part of their new task Danielle had to force Jo to kiss her feet everytime Jackie said 'nuffink'."

"As part of their new task Danielle had to force Jo to kiss her feet everything Jackie said 'nuffink'."

"After a grueling martial arts fight, Danielle is about to finish Jo off with a devastating Muay Tai knee to the head."

"32,782... 32,783... What was that Carole? Oh, you weren't talking to me. Damn where was I!? Never mind... 1... 2... 3..."

"I'm sorry Jo but I needed somewhere to put my chewing gum while I was eating."

"His private army finally assembled, George was ready to invade China."

"After forgetting to put his belt on this morning, Mr. Lucus is trying to use The Force to keep his 'pants' up."

"Stop me if you've heard this one: Twenty Stormtroopers and an Ewok walk into the UN..."

"Stop me if you've heard this one: Twenty Stormtrooper and an Ewok walk into the UN..."

"They're smiling now but just wait until I open this crate of Magpies!"

"A family outing with Timmy Mallett's mum and three of his dads."

"After these lot jumped in the water Jaws completely lost his appetite."

"Oh, come here you mucky puppy! You've got chocolate all round your mouth!"

"Mummy, these horrid boys keep counting my moles!"

"Three weenie dogs and a kipper, please!"

"Is this the lost and found? We're looking for a oversized novelty dummy, a copy of Razzle and a half full colostomy bag!"

"Four Babychams please. What do you mean 'I.D'?"

"Sometimes the 'child within' should damn well stay within! Especially when some of us are trying to eat their lunch!"

"These Extreme Santas say Have a Happy Christmas, or die..."

"Labour Government Santas out delivering tax demands and 'Vote Conservative' flyers... "

"If granny would only take her eye off him for a second, maybe Sylvester could get his paws on that Tweety Pie over there"

"Tense moments when The Quo threaten to activate the self-destruct button to the entire country."

"But I thought you wanted a panto wedding?... I don't like it. I look gay. I want the A-Team one."

"In this pantomime the Widow Twinky was found deep within the bowels of Aladdin's cave."

"I'm a genie in a bottle, you gotta rub me the wrong way."

"Give me one good reason why people with ADHD shouldn't be waiters?"

"This off duty clown lets his instincts get the better of him."

“JunkMales get their second comedy point with this subtle little number. Funny stuff fellas. ”   (cnorman)

"Penguin commandos infiltrate an A-list Christmas party in search of rubbish jokes to put on their chocolate biscuits."

"Its the same every year. You spend all morning making a really pucka lunch and the penguins scoff it down in ten minutes"

"Would you like breast, wing or maybe a happy leg?"

"Pingu is about to attack one of those bread rolls like that seal attacked his mum only last week."

"The Game realized that the only way to stop the zombie horde advancing was to sell his soul and perform Christian Rap."

“The comedy collective known as JunkMales pick up their first comedy point with this witty entry. Good work boys, bad work zombies (why didn't you eat him!?)! ”   (cnorman)

"Can I get a hail Hitler!?"

"Nintendo release a minature version of their new console. The 'Wee-Wii' is hyped to piss all over the competition."

"I don't care how good a dancer you are, the fact remains that Elvis NEVER did cartwheels!"

"One impersonator tells a tale of 'the one that got away' but the others arent buying it. Not with their suspicious minds"

"I may have the upper body strength of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the outfit and hairdo of The King."

"Hooray! the Time-Travel 'Send a Sketch' winner has been announced at last!"

"Welcome home Michael Barrymore, we love you!"

"Welcome home Michael Barrymore, we love you!"

"The UFO hovered above them for a moment, saw what a bunch of half-wits they were, then disappeared, never to return."

"The UFO hovered above them for a moment, saw what a bunch of half-wits they were, then disappeared, never to return."