"The bored nuns occupy themselves after raiding the eunuch's sack barrow."

"The kids are told to put on a brave face as Lily's "wacky" dad turns up."

"The bag ladies of Oxford Street were of a different class."

"Daniel and Emily describe to the ginger kid what it would be like to feel a real woman's boobies."

"This year's weakest entrants in the Al Jolson look-a-like contest are..."

"The Pussycat Dolls stage show entered the riding invisible pigs section."

"Entrants in this year's body bulding contest were below calibre."

" We arrest you for the murder of one "Aunt Sally ""

"Police finally catch up with Albert Steptoe."

"The Spice Girls finally admit to their "flagging" careers."

"Convinced by his experienced colleague that the career change was right, Tony headed off to buy "Pumping Iron Monthly"."

"The remake of Michael Jackson's "Bad" video lacked the budget of the original."

"The opposition fancied their chances in the dance-off."

"McEnroe applauds the passion as players on centre court soldier on through the rain."

"The decision to leave the covers off centre court is strongly questioned."

"For once rain does not stop play at Wimbledon as Henman resorts to questionable tactics. "

"John Prescott briefs Harriet Harman on election campaigning strategy."

"John Terry pondered on a nickname knowing that Goldenballs and Gingerpubes were taken..."

"Beckham decides to take an opportunity to grab his banjo and try to hit a cow's arse."

"The Press ask when Theo Wolcott will be returning."

"Steve practices the position he will be adopting if Becks can't get him "out of prison"."

"The tables are turned as the USA patiently wait like lapdogs to follow in the footsteps of utter incompetence."

"After two days the queue grew weary of Tony's claim "I'll hit it this time""

"Reports were denied that the UK badminton team were getting desperate."

""Next time you forget your kit Blair it's pants and socks!""

"Controversy as Ginger is dropped for Annoying-Whiny-Slaphead-Geek Spice."

"Some of the Spice Girls had aged better than others."

"It was a big binocluar and long mack day on the London Eye."

"Upon getting their respective kits off Jane was disappointed that Andrew's "big snake" was only in the literal sense."

""2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate?"...well if they've got a couple of quid, even this plonker."

"Pat Sharpe gets tough for the new series of "Funhouse"."

"Another hard day at the Estate Agents"

"It was Amy Winehouse in the monkey house wishing she was in the crack house looking like something from the whore house."

"The remake of "Alien" was rumoured to be even more alarming than the original."

"Michael Jackson's latest video was decidely low budget."

"Noel makes a break for it as Russell's ego finally inflates to breaking point !"

"Noel makes a break for it as Noel's Ego finally inflates to breaking point."

"There's trouble afoot as Wonder Woman finds a red cape in with her whites."

"Environmentalists applaud the use of peddle-powered broomsticks."

"Auditions get underway for "Gorillas in the Red Mist""

"Michael Jackson proudly unveils his new childminders."

""Always the same isn't it?....you get yourself all keyed up to go......""

""Phew when you said 'wet lettuce' I thought it was going to be something embarassing like a photo with Hugh Grant ""

"News breaks that Dan Brown is dead. "

“Short, simple, to the point. ExperimentalTyres in his first week on 4Laughs grabs the caption victory with both hadns!”   (cnorman)

""Your f*cking chess set has arrived Mr Trump""