"Wayne had misheard when the police said they would protect him from 'our Seoul fans.'"

"Wayne thought the linesmen were taking themselves a bit too seriously."

"Wayne wasn't used to armed Escorts - unless you count the ones driving around Toxteth."

"Wayne couldn't believe the technology in Korea - he heard you could send email on a Blackberet."

"The Koreans couldn't believe Fergie had tried to smuggle a monkey through quarantine."

"STORMTROOPER1: Why did you take us to a martial arts conference? STORMTROOPER2: Someone said there'd be thai fighters."

"The girls seemed to be confused by the 'reusable bags only' sign."

"Jeff loved it when the fire alarm went off at the lap dancing club."

"'It's okay,' said Daniel. 'We always have to do this when JK Rowling enters the room.'"

"Hermione was keen to show that she didn't have a wizard's sleeve."

"There was an interesting reaction from cast members when it was revealed Pamela Anderson would star in the next movie."

"The trio humoured a request for Chewie, Luke and Leia to recreate their infamous 'compactor' scene."

"Everyone was wondering how Rupert, Daniel - and especially Emma - had made their 'wand prints'."

"That was the last time the girls ordered their 'Dolls' rucksacks from Toys R Us."

"Some joker had put cement in the fake tan again."

"'One thinks it rather ingenious that you fellows made a boat out of Madonna's bra.'"

"Wills: Loved that song about when you went into rehab, Mark. Mark: Which one was that? Wills: Have a little patient."

"Wills: Isn't one of you missing? Mark: What, Howard? Wills: No - Bilbo Baggins."

"Wills: You're not getting a knighthood yet. Mark: I know. Wills: Oh, sorry - I thought you were kneeling down."

"GIRL: My feet hurt. ARNIE: Hast though a blister, baby?"

"Poor weather and a disagreement with the umpire marred McEnroe's return to Wimbledon."

"Prince Harry's university friends added their own flavour to Royal Ascot."

"After seeing this lot, even Michael Eavis was hoping for rain."

"'You want to know why they're wearing shades? Lean closer and I'll show you...'"

"'...which led to full penetration, and that's why you're called Brooklyn.'"

"'...and this is the sign for "live long and prosper", as used by Vulcans and scientologists.'"

"'... and this is how to flick the Vs at your mum without her seeing.'"

"'I'm sorry, sir,' said the shopkeeper. 'I don't serve rude nickers.'"

"'I've come about the pyjamas, blindfold and nightcap you sold me last week - they keep getting me arrested.'"

"The alien paid good money to watch the Star Trek girls do the 'Vulcan sex grip' on eachother."

"Whoever had popped their cherry on the cake had left quite a mess."

"Following the unveiling of the 2012 logo, the London Olympic committee revealed how the winners' podium will look."

"John decided that the next time he needed the loo at Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's house, he would wait."

"Note to self - don't ask mobsters if they want to play 'piggy in the middle'."

"It was the most disturbing 'piggy back' John had ever given."

"'But if that's my penis,' thought John, 'what have I got in my hands?'"

"John couldn't wait to get bacon the toilet."

"John complained to the waiting staff about the 'pork medallion'."

"John wasn't enjoying the hog roast."

"John had heard that snout was a laxative."

"The butlers tried to clean the toilet - but they made a real pig's ear of it."

"John was hogging the bathroom again."

"John had the trots."

"Despite Jordan's repeated requests, the lads refused to use their horn or flash at oncoming traffic."

"Given that the boys' hands were full, Jordan was looking forward to see their indicators in action."

"Jordan demanded that they drop by at Halfords for a pair of furry dice."

"It was the same old story - leave your car overnight in Harlow town centre and the wheels get nicked."

"The new pope denied that he was trying to appeal to a wider audience."

"Following his England recall, David Beckham denied that he is demanding special treatment."

"Jordan was delighted to appear in the music video for Peter Andre's new song 'I bet you look good on sedan floor'."

"After a foul-mouthed outburst, Jordan had to be removed from the set of Celebrity Crystal Maze."

"The farmer was gutted with his crop - he hadn't meant to plant The Lightning Seeds."

"Day 1of Tramp School had gone well - but how would they fare when it came to stealing cider and shouting at their dogs?"

"The Green Party offered a powerful alternative to nuclear arms - 1,500 soldiers playing James Blunt songs."

"A field full of guitarists could only mean one thing - a thousand drummers were late."

"In a twist on the usual music festivals, musicians turned up to watch a student sniff poppers and urinate into a bottle."

"How times had changed for Take That - Howard's pecs were flabby and Robbie looked rubbish in a tux."

"Enid Blyton purists were disappointed with David Lynch's movie version of The Famous Five."

"By the looks of his balance, Tony had had one to many 'mixed doubles'."

"Blairs's dodgy backhand manoeuvres were finally exposed at a court."

“DrVole gets all political on us - like Ben Elton circa the 1980s - and we love it! Well done, you squeaky little rodent, you!”   (cnorman)

"Quentin was keen to win the 'Palm d'whore' award."

"Quentin had a cameo as 'Mrs Black' in his new film, Reservoir Bitches."

"Since being promoted from an evil sidekick to a Bond villain, Jaws had become very popular with the ladies."

"Jennifer's semi-detached property was deceptively spacious, despite the garish frontage and rising damp."

"Kirstie was glad she had downsized and bought herself couple of flats."

"Jodie didn't realise she had to be 'the ball' when she volunteered for Celebrity Croquet."

"Jodie didn't relaise that she'd have be the ball when she volunteered for celebrity croquet."

"Jodie confirmed rumours that she was close to being a fruitcake."

"'I guess this is my 'something blue'?' said Doreen."

"When Doreen asked for a simple, plastic bride to be placed on the cake, this wasn't what she meant."

"'When I said you should pop a cherry on the cake, this isn't what I meant.'"

"Doreen regretted asking Jim Davidson to make her wedding cake."

"The fried chicken megadeal included a large cake with the usual greasy bucket, battered legs and succulent breast."

"'I 'erd she were on illegal drugs,' said Doreen. 'No, love,' said Dennis, 'It's not illegal to be on t'marzipan.'"

“DrVole, like the loveable rodent he is, is starting to claw his way back to the caption kingdom. A witty and inventive caption, sir!”   (cnorman)

"'Thanks for last night,' whispered Tony. 'Tonight's winning lottery numbers are in my left jacket pocket.'"

"'I've lost my Cherie,' said Blair. 'Good,' said Mildred, 'I like a man with experience!'"

"Mildred didn't know what 'The Third Way' was, but she was keen to find out."

"'Tony, you've lost us money. You're fired!' said Margaret from the Apprentice."

"Judge Judy and Oprah were grateful for Blair's US TV appearances."

"Balir denied that Labour had courted the 'grey vote' by swinging to the right."

"Blair demonstrated that Labour would continue to give older people some much-needed support."

"In a compassionate farewell speech, Blair denied that his pensions policy had left him feeling a right tit."

"Dawn was keen to demonstrate the dangers of looking at a fly trap too closely."

"Gordon had always wondered what poo was in French."

"Now Dawn knew why it was called 'Pain' au chocolat."

"'Oh, Dawn!' said Gordon. 'I asked you to SIT on my face.'"

"'Maybe he's born with it,' thought Dawn. 'Or maybe it's milk praline.'"

"It was messy, but Gordon always enjoyed eating French."

"Dawn was not impressed with Gordon's Minstrel show - she prefers Smarties."

"The kids had found balloons full of hot air in every colour - including Brown."

"Now everyone knew that Pam's hare was grey underneath."

"Auditions were going well for the new TV detective show, Starkers and Hutch."

"'It feels like you're a viper,' said Claus. 'No,' said Gertrude, 'I alvays use the B-day.'"

"'It feels like you're a viper,' said Claus. 'No,' said Gertrude, ' I alvays use the B-day.'"

"Producers of the new-look Wheel of Fortune denied that they had dumbed down the show."

"Viewing figures were disappointing for the new show, I'm a Celebrity, Get Them Out Right Here."

"Jennifer never expected to get so close to Nelson's column."

"The Blasphemy theme park's 'Would You Adam and Eve It ' attraction was even more popular than 'Christ on a Bike.'"

"In the tight costume, you could Branson's pickle."

"After getting himself Lost, Richard dropped out the Sky, which wasn't popular with Virgin customers."

"Branson had been playing with his funny-shaped balls again."

"Having had lots of target practice in his cell, John was certain he had the right power and trajectory to hit the skip."

"The convicts wanted to lie low in the skip - but marathon organisers reserve the right to 'refuse entry'."

"All competitors were advised to take a dump before the marathon."

“DrVole's sharp rodent eye for detail really pays dividends with this caption comp, as all gags about zebras are ignored in favour of focusing on the skip in the background. Witty stuff indeed!”   (cnorman)

"The prisoners' race preparations were a load of rubbish."

"The escaped convicts decided to do some exercise - horizontal stripes do add ten pounds, after all."

"Most participants liked to start the marathon with a hop, skip and a pump."

"'Lads, I said skip bail, not bail a skip!'"

"Having eaten most of Amy's jeans, the Lemur was considering tasting her bucket."

"Visitors flocked to Bristol Zoo to get a glimpse of the tattooed beaver."

"Amy was surprised to bump into Pete Doherty in rehab."

"Solo was keen to leave the Death Star behind him."

"When you're a fan of hard rock, it's not easy keeping up with the Jones's."

"Harrison Ford was keen to promote his new film, Indiana Jones and the Planet of the Apes."

"Festival-goers came up with a novel way of scaling the fence - but they hadn't eaten enough baked beans."

"The crowd went wild at the audition for the latest TV talent show, 'The Eggs Factor.'"

"The Open University denied accusations of 'dumbing down science' following its TV series, Atoms in Ibiza."

"For a carpet fitter, John was surprisingly difficult to lay."

"Some joker had laced the Ultimate Fighters' energy drinks with heroine again."

"On their return to the UK, John and Dave had to pretend that special night in the Iranian cell had never happened."

"Brand and Fielding were paying the price for swallowing their bubble-gum."

"MFI bosses were starting to regret hiring Russell T Davies to script their new ad."

"Magistrates blamed the parents after deciding to place an ASBO on the country's youngest ever 'hoodie'."

"'Just stay like that for a bit and we'll add in the Playstation 4 later,' said the crew."

"'I like the Spice Girls,' said Becks. 'CUT! You can't call them that, David!' exclaimed the producer."

"'Can you click on astronomy.com?' said Becks. 'I want to see where the LA Galaxy is.'"

"'Blimey,' said the cameraman. 'I can see daylight.'"

"It was a sad moment - but Roger still couldn't resist a peek at her blooming lilies."

"In toasting Whittington, the Mayors all agreed that they had a great admiration for Dick and pussy."

"'Here's to Dick', said the Lord Mayor, 'or, as he's properly known, Ken Livingstone.'"

"Mr Bean had a lot to offer 'down under'."

“DrVole's impeccable eye for observation complete with an uncanny knack for some cracking innuendo has now notched him up his seventh caption victory!”   (cnorman)

"Rowan showed the girls why he was sometimes also known as 'Black Adder'."

"Gardening's all about multi-tasking, as John demonstrates here: water spray in one hand, hardy perennial in the other."

"'Modelling lettuce leaves isn't much fun,' said Alice. 'How do you think I feel,' replied John, 'I've got the cucumber.'"

"'Can we get some salt as well - I've just seen a snail trail.'"

"'Following a delicate surgical procedure, please welcome everyone's favourite 'TV' gardener: Alana Titmarsh!'"

"Gardening had never been so cool - suddenly, EVERY young man wanted green fingers."

"John had never witnessed salad dressing like it."

"'Lens cap on?' asked Sally. 'It's actually called a biretta,' replied Father Paul. 'And it's not Len's. It's mine.'"

"Controversy surrounded Father Paul's decision to take a part-time job as a heavy metal concert photographer."

"Bellamy was still suffering from Golf War Syndrome."

"The results had been messy but Mr Comwell was delighted that he had finally lived up to his name."

"Tracy Emin's latest pieces of art on display at the Tate were late for work."

"The men were delighted to have escaped the evil spider that lurks in the catacombs of St Paul's."

"The school was starting to regret hiring Frost, Pegg and Wright as sex education teachers."

“Our favourite doctor - after Dr.Fox and the disputable Dr.Gillian McKeith - DrVole clocks up another caption victory. A sharp eye complete with originality make this a great caption. ”   (cnorman)

"Pegg's sci-fi knowledge was incredible - he even knew 'Up Yours' in Vulcan."

"Pegg denied reports that his recent strenuous movie role had given him severe arthritis."

"After several failed solo projects, the re-united All Saints each came up with ideas for the new album cover."

"After several failed solo projects, the re-united All Saints each came up with ideas for the new album cover."

"The Arctic Monkeys' latest diguise ensured that absolutely nobody bothered them in the street."

"Despite the underwear gifts and romantic walks, John found his girlfriend was still completely frigid."

"The turnout was poor for the Eurythmics outdoor reunion gig."

"Guy Ritchie was praying for success with his new sci-fi B movie, 'Attack of the Killer Snowbints'."

"Fred couldn't work out what the snow woman had done with the carrot."

“Rude, rude, rude! DrVole makes this beautiful snow scene in to an absolute smut fest - well done!”   (cnorman)

"'I never thought I'd meet William Shatner AND Toyah Wilcox!' said Geri."

"While bird watching, Mr Happy spotted two red breasts, some gold-crested great tits, a possible shag and a vulture."

"The girls wanted to give their heart to a famous bald character with an annoying grin. But which one?"

"Hundreds flocked to Lourdes upon hearing that its spiritual waters could even cure massive piles."

"After trying the new 'kangaloo' spicy curry, the aussies jumped into the soothing water with their inflated red rings."

"Boxing fans without satellite TV have to recreate their own fights in the country. 'In the red corner..'"

"Boxing fans without satellite TV have to recreate their own fights in the country. 'In the red corner..'"

"Jethro had narrowed the mystery father of his wife's new child down to two contenders..."

"There were three dairy types on offer: full fat, extra mega acid and semi-chinned."

"With two bottles to show for his efforts, John showed he was a right winker."

"The sperm donation system is a lot simpler in the Westcountry."

"Katie was pleased to get a meeting with an executive from 20th Century Fox."

"Jordan attempted to raise her profile by adopting a mixed race child (half fox, half polar bear)."

"Basil Brush enjoyed feeling Jordan's 'Bom Bom'."

"Katie and her new boyfriend had lots in common, not least a penchant for sniffing arses and scrabbling in bins."

"Peter must have misheard when Jordan said: 'Bingo Hall? Where the f***s that.'"

"The landlord of the Fox and Hound Inn was delighted with his pub's new mascots."

"'She's meant to be the world's most celebrated IT girl but she could do nothing with my floppy disc and VDU problem.'"

"'She's called what? After the night I had, Morecambe Travel Lodge would be more appropriate.'"

"'Yes, this is her, officer. She stole my only can of orange pop. That's right, it was my last Tango in Paris.'"

"'That's the problem with these 10-year passports - the photos look out of date after a while.'"

"Not even Nicky Clarke could carry out such a challenging hairdressing task."

"Tonight, Matthew, I'm going to be..."

"It was only when he made the announcement that Lugner realised his hand was still stuck to the photograph."

"It was disappointing to see that Lil' Chris had got his greasy little mits on the certificates first."

"The awards had been signed by the artist formerly know as prints."

"The rockers were delighted to see that their certificates had been signed by Ozzy."

"Hugh was considering changing his surname to Heffer, since he was never seen without six full udders."

"Hugh was thinking of changing his surname to Heffer, since he was never seen without six full udders."

“DrVole ensures yet another Caption Competition victory with wit, observation, and a pun that has more layers than a Playboy model's wardrobe!”   (cnorman)

"This year's best female artist will get a shiny, surprisingly heavy figure to take home. And a Brit award."

"'Blimey,' said Russell, 'The last time I saw a helmet this feathery was after my one night stand with Emu.'"

"Smith was keen to promote his new film, The Way of the Amputee."

"The back end of the pantomime camel had obviously been drinking."

"Danielle was keen to impress Dirk - she likes older men who haven't been in the A-team for a while."

“DrVole writes the perfect caption: sharp, subtle, and very funny!”   (cnorman)

"'Oww!' said Danielle. 'I knew I should I should have swapped hands after quarter of an hour.'"

"Day 14. The housemates have told Jade that Kermit was not a real frog."

"Day 12. Jade has haemorrhoids."

"Sly Stallone's cosmetic surgery for his new movie had gone horribly wrong."

"The contents of the Chancellor's infamous black briefcase were finally revealed: a wicked set of 12" remixes!"

"Gordon rehearsed his pre-budget speech: 'I'm the Chancellor of the Ex check-check-check this out!"

"When Tony told him he'd be in at number 10 by 2007, Gordon didn't realise he meant the R'n'B chart..."

"This is heavy,' said Gordon. 'No, YOU'RE heavy,' they replied, you've unbalanced the mobile studio!"

"The rap collective gave the Chancellor a sneak preview of their new cover version, 'Gordon is a Moron'."

"'I can;t help looking at the shadow home secretary,' said Rio. 'Well, David Davis is gorgeous,' replied John."

"Rio was not impressed when he heard that Reid hadn't brought along his Chief Whip."

"'It's hard being bullied by an ageing Scotsman,' said Rio. 'Tony feels the same,' laughed the Home Secretary."

"George finally realised his Star Wars franchise was obviously flagging."

"The world's first 'Gimp Pride' march was going well."

"The pearly queen was so determined to win the novelty badge contest that she pinned a child's face to herself."

"The child's London background was weighing heavily on her shoulders."

"Take That obviously misheard when they were told they could earn lots of lolly by appearing in children's pantos."

"Bono and his U2 bandmates celebrated the knighthood with a badly-advised acid lolly binge."

"Hopes were high for the new Channel Five series 'Blackpool Baywatch'."

"The bobsleigh team took their drugs ban surprisingly well."

"'Yes, I've got a question,' said the one at the back. 'Just how long is this reindeer strike going to last?'"

"The boss got an overwhelming response when he asked: 'hands up if you want a bicycle clip.'"

"Sly's real wife was chosen to star as the robot in the new Terminator vs Rocky film, as she already has a metal neck."

"'It's not jewellery hanging off her ear, is it?' said Sly's screen wife. 'No. And it ain't hair gel either,' he smiled."

“DrVole, with those two fantastical graces of eloquence and vulgarity, grabs a well-deserved comedy point! Missyme25 narrowly misses out with her acute observation that, yes, Sly IS the spitting image of his Mum!”   (cnorman)

"The search for Parfitt's septum wasn't going well."

"The appointment of Boris Johnson as the next Dr Who was a let down - but fans greeted the return of Billie Piper."

"Brendan avoided disqualification from the pie contest by cunningly disguising his vomit as graffitti."

"'Lot 32 is a pair of Claudia Schiffer's novelty red pants, which I'm wearing around my neck. Do I hear fifty pounds?'"

"'Kyle. When I asked if you could you play any Spiders from Mars, I didn't mean hand puppetry!'"

"'I've got this fancy dress competition sewn up, honey. One bloke's come as Prince William but he's too fat.'"

"'Dammit!' said Lisa. 'Foiled again.'"

""No famous person has done so much to 'feed the French' since my namesake, Lenny," said Thierry Henry."

"John caused a massive queue at Gate 2 after telling the customs officer to 'lay off my blue suede shoes'."

“DrVole grabs his first comedy point with both hands after this great caption entry. Current affairs blended into a joke...mmmm, yes please!”   (cnorman)

"'I've got to hand it to you hobbits,' laughed Gandalf in his younger hippy days, 'that Longbottom Leaf is good sh*t!'"

"Liverpool FC's new club kit was guaranteed to keep the team's foreign stars warm during the English winter."

"She had a deeper tan and more facial hair, but Bet Lynch's return to the Street was welcomed by all"

"Girls are happy to take the stares when the lift is full."

"'The only way I'll live this down,' thought Palin, 'is if I travel around the world in 80 days.'"

“I like the idea of the pitching session, but wonder if varying the style of language between the characters might give them more differentiation? Love I'm going back to Archangelling! Don't think you need the line from Noah about going down with his ark, just get on with the punchline. ”   (tim_sear...)