Comedy Ladder Position: 32=
Points: 2
Over the years lots of people have told me that I remind them of the great comedian Jack Dee. I always took that as a huge compliment, until someone said 'no, you just look like him'. Yeah, thanks.
I've been watching comedy all my life as my Dad supports Charlton Athletic, but its the writing that I have developed a real taste for and I've written topical jokes that have appeared in newspapers, websites and a book.
Recently, I've been writing a variety of sketches and started writing a pilot episode for one of my many sitcom ideas. My dream is to win a 4Laughs Mug, failing that I'd like to write comedy full-time. Its the second* most enjoyable activity in my life.
* The wife might me watching.
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"Hollywood remake for nursery rhyme 'Three Blind Mice'"
"Rumours were rife that Karate Kid 7 was directed by David Walliams "
"No, I said 'after all that shouting you must feel prostrate!'"
"Radio blunder ruins launch of new Gator Clinic"
"Despite its popularity, some Americans still hadn't quite grasped the concept of the Air Guitar"
"Everything Beckham saw seemed to remind him of Victoria."
"After briefing the rest of the squad it was Aaron Lennon's turn."
"It seemed that America was behind every cock-up Blair made"
""So when they said they wanted a 'mange-touts', they meant they were hungry?""
"Hmmm... now that's a tasty sandwich"
"Rosairo: Hey Zoe, how's Fat Boy Slim?"
""Just because my name is Quentin, I'm with four women and I'm wearing floral headgear, doesn't mean I gay, darling.""
""Everybody's doin' a brand new dance now..." "
"Jennifer was beginning to feel a right tit, so she decided to feel a left one too."
"The organisers were delighted with the appearance of this sexy celebrity double-act, and Kirsty's weren't bad either."
"For once it was Jennifer that got her hands on the top hang-out"
"Unlike Jordan, Jennifer had a firm grip on reality."
"Jennifer was always going to be remembered for her two big hits"
"Jennifer regretted not letting the super glue dry"
"With such exposure, it was sure to finish with a happy belle-end."
"Unfortunately, residents have to wait two weeks for the next collection of trash"
"The government finally find effective crowd deterrent"
"Ironically, the queue size matched Jodie Marsh's IQ"
"Unfortunately for MTV, it was the only thing associated with Jodie Marsh that went without a hitch."
"Tony Blair admits feeling an old tit"
"If you think I've aged look at Cherie"
"Liza Minelli finally finds someone she can spend time with"
"Joggers prepare for the London Marinade"
"Spiderman could be a right bastard when he is pissed."
"All Saints were very proud of their music achievements"
"The museum of All Saints's music awards sounded like a good idea at the start"
"In a role-reversal it was All Saints that got the wood"
"I say, you buy one you get one free!"
"Simon Pegg wasn't impressed with the likeness"
"Disney deny that new Snow White was a bit too racy."
"Kate Moss rejects 'you are what you eat' claim."
"New controversy as models become sub zero."
"No matter what presents he gave her, Paul always got a frosty reception"
"No, we want a size zero model not a sub zero one!"
"Kate Moss would go to any length to appear more attractive to Pete."
"Kate Moss would go to any length to appear more attarctive to Pete."
"Anti-cloning posters rated most effective ever"
""I just love the big round smiling thing - and that yellow one too.""
"Cheryl Tweedy begins to realise that she's fallen for the classic 'its fancy dress' prank"
"In the aftermath of Ashley's injury, Cheryl Tweedy took 'try to put on a brave face' too literally."
"M and M's take advantage of the Ukrainian peanuts"
"Luckily, not all the rubber plane's faults were bad."
"Eskimo's deny that global warming is here"
"Jaws was delighted with his birthday present"
"EasyJet's no-frills channel-crossing venture was taking the piss."
"Basil wasn't the type of brush that Jordan was after."
"Foxy was becoming a pain in the arse"
"There was no denying that Jordan's new boyfriend was a bit of an animal"
"Peter Andre wins his bet that Jordan wouldn't notice him whatever he wore"
"Dressed as a giant fox, Brian was feeling a bit of an arse"
"Fox: So I just pull this cord here and she'll work again?"
"Basil Brush demonstrates to Jordan what it's like to be a puppet"
"David, why is Rory Bremner here?"
"Victoria: Why is Rory Bremner here?"
"It didn't matter where David went, bush would follow"
"Bush welcomes the Beckham's to 'the land of the fee'"
"Victoria: You can see Bush? I'll cover it with this Armenian flag."
"The dating agency knew they had their work cut-out"
"Honestly, its stuck to my hand with glue"
"Another man gets conned by street painters!"
"Mr Lugner couldn't help thinking that his painter had other things on his mind whilst doing his portrait."
"Paris proves that smoking can cause rapid aging and other physical defects."
"It was the boldest request the plastic surgeon had ever had."
"Slash: Hey have you come to get Beckham's autograph too? Dio: No, look behind you it's Des Lynam"
"At such short notice, only David Beckham and Des Lynam were able to make the audience."
"Slash, is it true that you're so rock n roll that even when you fart it comes out in a melody?"
"Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue."
"Hugh gets ready for another game of Strip Poke-her"
"Three lovely ladies and one stiff in the middle. Just how Hugh liked it."
"Hef, is it true you are going blind? Hef, we're over to the left."
"So ladies, he's got millions of pounds and he's fast approaching 80. Tell us what attacts you to him?"
"Brand finally finds something he can't stick up his nose"
"Sly is delighted to see another bunch of overpaid, underperforming has-beens"
"No one had the heart to tell Sly that it wasn't a home run everytime the ball went out of play."
"It was getting too much that the glue on his fingers hadn't worn off yet"
"What made him mad was where they stuck the third horn"
"Jeremy Beadle didn't like being framed"
"In response to the mugger, Busty Sarah said 'You call that a hooter...'"
"Sam was frustrated at having small hooters"
"And then Ted showed me that he was the one with Golden Balls"
"Jermaine thought he was looking at a ghost - or as he calls him: Michael."
"'No Jade, this your French Language Oral.'"
"Auditions for Hulk 2 were going well"
"Don't get me angry, you won't like me when I'm angry."
"Bob's shadow impressions during the projection display were proving a hit"
""How many people remember Boomtown Rats?""
"Who spotted 4Laughs's 'Make History Poverty Campaign' typo?"
""I've hurt my leg, has anyone got a band aid?""
"Unfortunately the dove had died during 'I don't Like Mondays'"
""How many people remember Boomtown Rats?""
"Not having much to say, Rio amuses Reid with his crap Stayin Alive impression"
"Not having much to say, Rio amuses Reid with his John Travolta impression"
"For the tenth time: I is not Ali G!"
"RIO: Is this a Gary Neville wind-up? You don't look like a secretary."
"RIO: You don't look anything like Frank from Eastenders"
"Craig Charles was shocked to see how advanced Robot Wars USA was."
"Producers deny that cost-cutting has comprimised new Darth Vader outfit."
"On the eve of their debut on Celebrity Big Brother, Jade's family hope to lose their 'cockney wasters' tag"
"They were never going to escape the muggers with the line 'I've got nothing on me'"
"Pigeons ruin family's day at the Opera"
"Jack Straw reveals his suggested alternative to veils"
"George Michael had to explain to his new assistant that it wasn't 'six large cockneys' he was after."
"The Pony family couldn't understand why they didn't make it through security at Heathrow"
"The anti-age discriminatoin act spoils another Pampers advert."
"It was going to be Supernanny's biggest challenge yet."
"Dame Edna, Ronnie Corbett and Bill Oddie are the surprise cast to join Ben Stiller for Dodgeball 2"
"Rumours of a fix in the first baby of 2007 contest"
"Producers discover drawback in using original cast for Look Who's Talking 10"
"There were some suprise contenders at the auditions for Cherie Blair"
"Trio deny having plastic surgery as they react to news that the film has flopped."
"It was getting difficult for Sly's Mum to keep convincing everyone that she hasn't been under the knife."
"V/O: Whose zimmer frames are these?"
"Status Quo were finally arrested for crimes against music."
"The mini version of Twister was crap"
"The Quo were very professional in their day job of cleaning up after Paula Radcliffe."
"Status Quo are awarded for their contribution to music, which was to retire in 1990."
"James Bond accused of running out of proper villians"
"Goverment deny education failure after 63 percent of teachers discover they are teaching the wrong theory of PI."
"Student picture reveals turning point in Ricky Gervais's career"
"Mrs Prescott was surprised at John's top fantasy"
"The Game was delighted that the human octupus could make it"
"The BNP realise that The Game they booked wasn't the collection of ex-footballers and celebs they had hoped for."
"Unfortunately for The Game, his fans really were zombies"
"Martine McCutcheon's rendition of Walk on By was deemed inappropriate by some."
"The Homeless revel in new TV show: Pimp My Doorstep"
"The effects of fading popularity were really taking their toll on Posh and Becks"
"Prince William couldn't make his mind up in the new TV show: Spot the Spy"
"It became obvious that getting Prince William to guest took 99 percent of the budget for Christmas Deal or No Deal."
"The Homeless revel in new TV shop: Pimp My Doorstep"
"Its official: London has the wealthiest tramps"
"Henry: What aftershave are you wearing? Hilfiger: Channel."
"Tommy, whats the French for anti-glue?"
""Do you Thierry Henry take...""
"Although it was quite funny last night, Thierry was hoping that the glue would wear off before the big game"
"Steve wished he'd remembered to do his flies up"
"Unfortunately, Colin's dance only managed to ground a plane"
"Competition was fierce in the Michael Jackson and Elizabeth Taylor lookalike contest"
"They were literally crying out for some deoderant"
"Auditions for the Village People tribute band were going well"
"Dorset farmers go on a lap of honour after winning the worlds biggest invisible marrow contest"
"The public react to the news that 'I'm a celebrity...' is over for another year."
"Russell Brand wished he was a bit clearer when he requested an army of ho's"
"Santa discovers the advantages of outsourcing."
"Arsenal deny that new home kit was designed to protect their foreign stars from English winter."
"Oh my god, I think I see someone with the same costume as me!"
"EMIR: No, 14 across is nine letters so 'the forename of the UK's Monarch' can't be 'Charles'."
"Oprah had put on a bit since their last meeting."
"Prince Charles regretted rubbing that lamp"
"EMIR: I'm so embarrased. I can't believe he's wearing white socks."
"Here we have The Prince of Wales, next inline to the throne of the United Kingdom. Shall we start the bids at 10 NGN's?"
"EMIR: Incorrect, the answer on the card says the ruler is Queen Elizabeth not King Charles"
"Ian made a hasty exit after someone had mentioned that a card shark was present"
"Simon realised that his cronic flatulence was going to be even more exposed."
"The US claims that fears over global warming are just hype"
"MARK: Oh Britanny! Sorry, I didn't recognise you with your knickers on."
"BRITANNY: This monkey looks so cute!"
"Unfortunately, Mark was about to discover that she hated marmite"
"Take That's comeback meant that the aging band could afford prettier opticians"
"It was going to be a pantomime horse with a difference"
"It wasn't the type of Bottom audition they were expecting"
"They might be getting on a bit, but with Jim in the loo The Corrs were all Rik's."
"Jim from The Corrs falls victim to Alzheimer's on stage"
"Mayall shows that its going to take a lot to be the new Cherie Blair."
"What a cute and cuddly pair... and the penquins are nice too."
"It was like being kissed by a wet fish... fantastic!"
"Poor Gloria was devastated that Britany had farted on her flipper again."
"Pingu's North Pole was about to suffer from Global Warming"
"Ant and Dec couldn't believe who they'd p-p-p-pulled."
"ACME's giant Blaine Swat is a big success"
"To everyone's delight, David had accidentally strapped himself to a hula hoop for the giant version of throw the hoop."
"There goes the spare change for the car park"
"David realised he should have been more specific when he said his next challenge was to live on a Giro for a week."
“ContainsNuts is really coming up trumps with our caption comps. Here is another deadpan triumph, perfectly juxtaposed against Blaine's 'wacky' antics.” (davina_e...)
"It didn't take long for Blaine to discover that there was a hole in his colostomy bag."
"Most of the male cast made a run for it after George asked if someone could show him where the toilet was."
“Vulgarity and an intelligent wit helps ContainsNuts to his inaugural comedy point. Well done old nut!” (cnorman)
"Most of the male cast made a run for it after George asked if someone could show him where the toilet is."
"TOM: OK, everyone start praying I can see my God - the Holey Bunsen Burner."
"TOM: Have I ever told you guys about the wonders of Scientology?"
"TOM: OK, OK, so my line is 'I Thomas Cruise take you Nicole Kidman...'"
"OK, lets drive straight through the press, use that van as a ramp and enter the castle through the main window."
"It was the worst present Elton John had ever received"
"John Leslie was delighted with his new x-ray glasses"
"A Tikka had left the king with the trots"
"A Tikka had left the king with the trots"
"The sun king wanted to meet the seasons"
"Quite frankly the Spanish version of Strictly Come Dancing was shit."
"Superman Junior was still having trouble getting his costume changes right"
"Jim fixed it for the whole nation to finally see Chico's Time run out."
"OK, I know whats got you so mad. Its the pink socks isn't it?"
"Honestly, I don't have a red flag on me."
"O/V: Does anyone need to visit the little boys room?"
"Programme title misunderstanding sees Jacko arrive for the return of 'New Faces'."
"Wacko denies making cutbacks as bodyguard 'flies' him into town."
"Michael shows that he's lost a bit of his musical timing during world-record Macarena attempt"
""Anita Dobson's looking rough nowadays""
"CLEESE: Jesus Christ! Is that ice-cream? BRIAN: Look, my name's Brian. Iced Christ anyone?"
"CLEESE: Look, we said bring us the body of Christ not a body well-iced."
"CLEESE: Actually, we are suffering from piles. I can't see how eating ice-cream will help. Although... No, its gone."
"News breaks that Rocky 5 is a flop"
"Disaster as Arnies muscle implants escape"
"COOPER: Would you swap your branded washing powder for these two non-branded ones?"
"COOPER: Nutcases? No I think these are cardboard."
"ALICE: Mine's 'Debbie Does Doncaster'"
"Brian May puts on a brave face as Madame Tussauds make wrong model"
"DUKE: So what is a grunge tank anyway?"
"Tin-Tong was about to do something with a ping-pong ball that the Duke would never forget"
"Tin-Tong was about to do something with a ping-pong ball that the Duke would never forget"
"John: Ah! No Jordan! The Koala's the puppet. You're supposed to put your hand up that!"
"Elephant: Its a lot bigger when its warm"
"Police arrest wrong type of ring leader"
"Pete Doherty hosts the easiest ever 'Guess what's stashed in my hat?' competition."
"Couple form new band: The Black Eyed Pete's"
"After their trip to the zoo, Dad begins to realise that he's no longer walking with his son."
""Hi Darling, look at this bizarre looking creature I've found," says the Elephant"
"Celebrity Makeover - Dumbo is delighted with his new ears"
"ELEPHANT: I'm not gonna forget you love!"
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