PROFILE

"The Royal Shakespeare Company would like to refute charges of lack of expression."

"Auditions to find the new John Inman proved unsatisfactory."

"Justin Timberlake would jump the queue for the latest Harry Potter."

""It's tough..." "Yeah so much violence." "Bloodshed." "Aggression." "But hey, no one said it'd be easy being a teacher.""

"Tony Blair and Gordon Brown on the way to butter up Mrs Thatcher."

"Just Bjork's luck to bump into Grace Jones on the way to the gig."

"There's three of us. May the fourth be with you."

"New government regulations tighten railway security."

"In the early 'nineties Salman Rushdie travelled in disguise with bodyguards."

"News of Bernard Manning's death reaches the inner cities."

"The police station was packed when Mick Jagger offered a millionth of his drugs stash for the return of his mouth."

"Rowling (off camera) confirms this is indeed the last ever Harry Potter book."

"How do you make this man's head as attractive as everything else here? Put a nipple on top."

"Must be the first time a guy passes a queue and his eyes go up and down rather than left to right."

"Alexei Sayle would like to deny accusations of selling out."

"Duncan Goodhew enjoys the latest set of buoyancy aids."

"Benny Hill returns from the dead and decides to upgrade his show."

"'Sun' photographer: Time to clock off now. According to those buttocks it's six-thirty. "

"The nudist colony was disgusted by yet another streaker and his perverse sense of humour."

"'Sun' journalists are confused over which of the above is the biggest tit."

"'Sun' journalists are confused over which of the above is the biggest tit."

"Billy Corgan took his rejection from the 'Playboy' auditions gracefully."

"Our new skin cream is so wonderful many women wear nothing else."

"Harry gleefully shows his chums the best position to feel up a goblin."

"As the Harry Potter stars raise their hands to be killed off, they still can't wipe those smug smiles off their faces. "

"Peter and Jane were jolly tired of having playtime ruined by Ginge and his 'Free Ale and Starry Hard-on' T-shirt."

"News of Harry Potter's imminent demise reaches the Salem Witch Society."

"Germaine Greer and her pals were sorry to hear of Bernard Manning's passing away."

"Thirty cocktails, twenty minutes and not one loo break. "

"They dance like crazy! 'Cause they don't know I'm using blanks."

"It was a cruel trick, covering the stage with water then switching the leccie on."

"Prince Charles goes to great lengths to float our boat."

"What do this story, this dinghy and this prince have in common? They're all leaking."

"Only the Flumps attended the tenth anniversary celebrations for 'Be Here Now'. "

"If Oasis can do it I'm sure we can."

"Take That are still desperate for a substitute for Robbie. Take Twat anyone?"

"Some people will do anything to get in the 4laughs caption comp."

"If Geri won't join, I'm sure Gloria Hunniford will!"

"You know you're getting old when the Spice Girls can't even get your flag up."

"Desperate to boost ratings, the BBC have brought some guest stars in for the next series of 'Grange Hill'."

"The Glastonbury Festival continues to pull the crowds."

"On set of the remake of 'Twins'."

"Victoria still hasn't forgiven Melanie for selling more records."

"The cast of 'The Wicker Man' return to wreak vengeance on Nicholas Cage for that appalling remake."

"This year's 'Live Earth' gig is a bit of a let-down."

"Yoko Ono (right) joins the cast of 'Big Brother' as they debate what to do with Bernard Manning's corpse."

"No matter how much we all take the mick out of the Village People, two bars in and..."

"McDonald's would like to deny reports that their food rots the mind."

"Don't try this at home kids... And stop reading Mummy's Satanic porn."

"News of Mrs Thatcher's resignation finally reaches the Isle of Wight."

"John would rather like Eric to take back what he said about the extent of Connie's contribution to Fawlty Towers."

"Don't do that eighties' sitcom Eric."

"James expresses his appreciation of Ricky's portrayal of the ex-military in The Office's Gareth Keenan. "

"The Revenge of Stan Laurel."

"Proof you can have your cake and eat it."

"Tickets for the festival are selling like hot tarts."

"Bananarama just aren't the same since Siobhan left."

"Finding a sixth member for the Blue Peter team proved a little harder than expected."

"Rock experts doubt the authenticity of the newly-uncovered copy of the legendary Beatles' butcher sleeve."

"Slaughterhouse Live were a sensation at this week's mother's union meeting."

"Comedians try to make a bit of cash by pretending to be the Beatles' ultra-rare Butcher sleeve. "

"Now you know what happened to the Oompa Loompas."

"The guy on the left's a bit of a stiff."

"Like Michael Jackson, Jordan's managed to become rich and famous without letting it change her in any way."

"To counteract rumours of ghostwriting Jordan gets herself photoed amidst pencils packed with lead."

"Fat bastard (bottom right) always has to go one better."

"Pete Townshend's in for a smashing afternoon."

"All together now lads... Twinkle twinkle little star..."

"Whenever Ringo takes over the stage the audience give him a subtle hint."

"'Prithee remove thy sequins,' quoth Robin Hood, 'We're Merry not Gay.' "

"Take that take a well-earned break from filming the video to 'Patience'."

"James Gordon Brown's cabinet reshuffle shows his fondness for good British tradition."

"John wanted to see the dog's bollocks. Only Eric understood."

"How many copies did you say Victoria's album sold? That's briliant!"

"For JTimberlake, the humiliation of being Blair's love-child is only matched when his forehand smash's still adolescent."

"What's that I just threw away? My career?"

"Ever wondered what it's all about? Well you put your left leg in, your left leg out..."

"The only way for Quentin to distract journos from the girlies is to have a tree growing out of his head."

"Jen and Kirstie walk around Hyde Park for a good cause. Well done ladies!"

"Bill Oddie's fave snap of four great tits nestling in their parkland habitat."

"Kirstie chortles merrily as Jen demonstrates the age-old 'feel a right tit' gag."

"Which of the above ladies is more likely to get an extension on her overdaft from her bank manager?"

"Dawn I didn't reciognise you! Have these back, they're massive."

"It's no good Jen, you got Dawn's by mistake."

"Jodie proves she's a piece of cake."

"Dawn French and Adrian Edmondson regard the future of British comedy with despair. "

"Martyrs sure have gotten tastier since Saint Sebastian's day."

"Call her a national heroine and she thinks she's Joan of Arc."

"Looks like the next remake of 'The Wicker Man' is gonna be even worse than last year's."

"Auditions for the new Spice Girls were more fun than expected."

"Tony celebrates the one thing New Labour have changed about Britain. The standard of contestants in 'Blind Date'. "

"Benny Hill's funeral was a tragic occasion for all concerned."

“You've got to give it up for Bruceboy, not only did he write a witty li'l one-liner, but he did so without making any reference to the breast size of the fine ladies pictured (unlike most other entries)! Well done!”   (cnorman)

"Dawn proves she would do anything for Dairy Lea."

"Some guys'll do anything to get women to stick to their diets."

"Dawn realises to her horror someone may have had more cake than her."

"When Gordon asked the Vicar to send in her thesis, she realised too late she misheard."

"Sorry Gordon, I was meant to leave you with EGG on your face..."

"Give us another thirty years and we'll remember our lines."

"Gosh Billy Bunter's lost his spectacles! A big squeezy hug from Gordon should make up for it."

"Hugh Hefner's latest recruit didn't go down so well."

"The new season of 'The Really Wild Show' got rather higher ratings."

"He once got the Sex Pistols and The Spice Girls on Virgin. Now sexless girls get to spice up his virgin pistol. "

"Pull your pants up, it's the police."

"The sities were all about rebellion. So when Mummy said 'Get thee to a nunnery' Amy defiantly hit a monkey house."

"Darwin was right."

"Mick Dundee triumphantly brings back slavery to New York and asks if anyone's seen his pet koala's other one."

"An orange-clad Melanie C valiantly raises aloft a hair-bristling mammary gland amidst a sea of bollocks. Girl power!"