"For once it wasn't the flags that the religious extremists wanted to burn."

"Michael and Michelle had reached the age where having a siamese twin had lost all its appeal. "

"This lad watered his Cabbage Patch Kids doll for 12 years and was delighted with the results."

"This lad watered his Cabbage Patch Kids doll for 12 years and was delighted with the results."

"This lad watered his Cabbage Patch Kids doll for 12 years and was delighted with the results."

"This lad watered his Cabbage Patch Kids doll for 12 years and was delighted with the results."

"The Borrowers' dawn raid on the Oscars went down without a hitch."

"The thieves thought they had escaped, but Spiderman soon had them in his webbing."

"Aled Jones' decision to 'sex-up' his live action remake of 'The Snowman' gets a frosty reseption."

"The Ministry of Defense deny claims that the British Navy is underfunded and poorly equipped."

"Dun-Dun...Dun-Dun...Da-Da-Da-Da..."

"Niel Fox is criticised for taking the 'Dancing on Ice' competition a little too seriously. "

"The British version of Sex in the City looks set to be a hideous disaster."

""Just hang on for another 10 hours David and you'll win another star for camp!""

"David Guest begins to wish he'd never gone on 'I'm A Cleberity' as he struggles with the latest Bush Tucker Challenge."

"The line up for the new X-Men movie doesn't quite live up to expectations."

"As Tom attempts to drive the car using his psychic powers, it brings a whole new meaning to 'Cruise Control'."

"And Gary had thought that lamp was just a piece of junk!"

"King Arthur sets off in search of the Holy Grail"

"Rafita had seriously misunderstood his Granny's advice to "go out and grab the bull by its horns"."

"Producers slam cliams that new Bond villains are too camp "

"Is that a woman bodyguard with Jako? Mike Newell would have something to say about that!"

"It was only after Michael trod in the dog mess that he realised wearing sunglasses in the dark was a bad idea."

"Where's wally?"

"After a terrible mix up at Madame Tussauds, Jako's waxwork is mistakenly whisked off to collect his award. "

"Terminator 4: Rise of the Killer Balloons"

"No one dares to tell Arnie his St. Patrick's Day celebrations are a little late..."

"Arnie celebrates, unaware the man with the yellow tie is plotting some kind of revenge, probably involving balloons"

"John suddenly realises one of his bad LSD trips has come true."

"The Queen seems less than amused when someone tells her she should have gone to Specksavers."

""Hey John, if you eat that koala's head I'll let you touch my melons" "

"Kate wonders how an 8ft man can have such a tiny....amount of talent."

"Casualty ups the action in desperate bid to win back viewers."

"Come on Charlie, lets get thoes Holby City traitors and pump them full of lead!"

"The Conservatives get ready to win votes by hosting a Haloween Party..."

"Things seemed a little grave after Robbie Williams' latest gig..."

"Things were quiwt in the town of Cambridge..."

"Maureen's wedding was not quite the classy affair her parents were hoping for."

"That's right, put your left arm in first...and tomorrow I'll teach you how to tie your shoe laces."

"After a quick check Borat reveals that these girls have decided to go commando."