IN THIS FEATURE Off-road novice I thought it was an on-road SUV? Atlas shrugs Alien planet landscape Sand dune doldrums

Which is more than I can say for it when I did actually attempt a genuine slice of the Dakar Rally in it. The stone strewn stage across a part of the desert that looked more alien planet than English Patient didn't look difficult but it was littered with small, scalpel sharp rocks that destroyed two tyres in a hour. If we'd carried on, the Sport would have become stranded, miles from anywhere. So we turned around and found a nice twisting road around the edge of the desert where, between zero visibility dust storms, I was able to put its handling to the test.

And I discovered it's not so good at the corners, though given its weight, height and the fact that Land Rover has not taken the Porsche Cayenne's zero ride quality option, it's about as capable as you could expect. It grips well and will faithfully head for whatever point on the road you're heading for. It can feel cumbersome in slower corners but well judged steering and its innate stability means it's never unnerving, which is more than I can say for certain SUVs.

Tyre-swap necessary after sharp rocks gave punctures

But soon we arrived at the main event and saw the same landscape that's stuck in my head ever since that day at primary school when Mr Dent, my geography teacher, finally stopped talking about oxbow lakes and got around to deserts.

Here I discovered the true extent of my off-road incompetence. I drove into the very first dune this wondrous, beautiful, forboding and unimaginably expansive desert had to offer and was stuck like dog crap to a shoe within ten seconds. Of course with judicious use of the spade, the Sport's adjustable ride height and the merciless exploitation of not only the back-up crew but also several children who'd appeared from nowhere not quite able to believe anyone could be quite so stupid, I got the car free again. And stuck again. I was so bad that after two hours during which we travelled comfortably less distance than an arthritic granny could walk in two minutes, we gave up for the day, drove out of the desert and found some beer.