13 Nov 06
When you get behind the wheel, however, and start driving, it soon becomes apparent that you are, in fact, driving a tank. Starting up the engine and driving in straight line is fine: the S-Guard is equipped with the S 600 biturbo V12 engine, which generates 509bhp and 612lb-ft of torque, so there's plenty of power on tap to pull the car along.
However, when you start throwing it around a handling course, you realise that you have to start rethinking your concept of braking. You're steering a 4,200kg car - and that's a lot of weight to try to stop when you need to. The inertia generated by such as weight means that if you try braking where you normally would when approaching a corner, you find yourself running out of road, an act accompanied by tyre-squealing reminiscent of an airliner touching down. Despite the agility that exists in the car's S-Class DNA, brake too late and you find yourself doing some WWF-standard wrestling with the wheel.
After a few minutes, though, you begin to get the hang of the car and can start cornering with speed and precision, while still managing to make the car squeal like a pig.
We also managed to get a sense of the quality of the car's driving dynamics when doing a bit of slaloming - but with a difference. Moving a four-tonne car through a series of bollards at 50mph is no picnic at the best of times: so you'd think that doing it with a flat tyre would be verging on insanity. Not in the S-Guard. The Michelin PAX run-flats mean that you can still manage to steer the car through all the gaps as if on the usual complement of four fully inflated wheels, the car responding to steering inputs with barely discernable difference. Very impressive.
So if you've ever been careless enough to incur a fatwa, have to drive through Colombia while directing the war on drugs, or are just unfortunate enough to have so much money that you and your family a target for kidnappers, you should seriously consider an S-Guard. You'll be able to relax for two reasons: first, the peace of mind in knowing that you're virtually impregnable while in your car; plus you'll be sitting in a car seat that can give you a massage which will make all your cares just melt away.
