17 Dec 99
Meece? Muce? Mace? Mooses? Wasted conjecture. There is, it transpires, no plural. Furthermore, strictly speaking, we're talking elk here; moose, though identical, all live in Canada and star in nature films. In the interests of trade, the Swedes themselves are wont to get this wrong too, since tourists know what a moose looks like, enjoy what saying it does to the lips and will buy the souvenir mug, but wouldn't recognise an elk if they drove full-pelt into one. Which, about 15 times a day in Sweden, is exactly what happens.
There are some 600,000 moose on the loose in this overgrown Christmas-tree plantation and, in some districts, they account for up to a quarter of all road traffic accidents. Indeed, 5 per cent of all reported accidents involving Saab cars cite a moose as the third party. Now, a full-grown bull moose weighs in at well over 1000lb, and is more than likely to have left his insurance documents at home. Saab has little choice, therefore, than to take pains to ensure that, while car and no-claims bonus may take a bit of a pasting, occupants do not.
So, every now and then, Saab's crash-test engineers wrap 850lb of assorted insulated steel cable around a 4x2 timber 'spine' with an old blanket, prop it up at moose body height, and charge it down with one of their latest models. In this case, a 900 V6 automatic with, I couldn't help noticing, full leather interior.
A moose, resembling a somewhat hastily constructed horse with the nose-bag permanently sewn into position and joke antlers, has excessively long legs with the structural integrity of a Twiglet. And when you assault one with a rapidly moving car, the legs offer no resistance to the front bumper whatsoever. The body, meanwhile, passes quickly through the involuntary bonnet mascot stage and immediately thereafter attempts, via the windscreen, to acquire passenger status.
This scenario is ably reconstructed by the test. With a highly satisfying thump, our hawser-intestined 'moose' hits the windscreen square on at 45mph. The Saab rocks violently back on its haunches but, thanks to appropriate moose-proofing (reinforced A-pillars and roof leading edge), the on-board crash-test dummies suffer no more than a brush with an errant sun-visor and a thorough dusting of powdered windscreen.
But there's more to moose than the crash test would have us believe. Eric Carlsson, Saab's oldest living, self-confessed crash-test dummy, rally supremo of the early '60s and still Sweden's favourite son, himself once had a spot of bother with a moose, highlighting one vital ingredient missing from the test. 'Late one evening in 1957, I was driving some friends home, doing about 70mph,' explains Eric, 'and I saw something in mid-air, coming from the bank beside the road. It turned out to be a big bull moose of about 1700lb, and that's more or less the last I could see because it tipped over into the windscreen. Both front tyres exploded, the valves shot out and the windscreen smashed. The moose split open and the cock and balls and all the shit went straight through the car and ended up in the rear window. None of us was hurt,' Eric recalls, 'but we had a whole car full of shit.'
And therein lies the problem. You can repair the physical damage resulting from a moose encounter but, apparently, you can't clean the upholstery and you never, ever get rid of the smell.
Effective moose control is no straightforward matter, either. Roadside fencing is rare due to a Swedish peculiarity of law known as 'Everyman's Rights', which allows the public free access to most land and largely precludes the fencing-off of property. Recent discussions on revising these laws stem more from the Swedes' frustrations at coming home to find a German tourist with his head in the fridge ('But I thought we were allowed to go anywhere') than out of a desire to keep moose off the roads. And the same German tourists have also taken to nicking moose warning signs for conversion to conversation-piece coffee tables.
A regular autumn cull accounts for some 150,000 moose a year. Plans to limit culling to a three-mile-wide strip either side of the roads would make matters worse by replacing the indigenous, relatively 'Green Cross Code'-conversant, moose population with an unruly mob that rarely, if ever, look left, then right, then left again before crossing. For the moment then, the regular moose-crash-testing of new-model Saabs seems the surest anti-moose measure. Even so, after learning of Eric Carlsson's experiences, I'd hate to be sitting in the back in any moose incident - particularly mid yawn...
